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Original poster

Am I the one being unreasonable - co-parenting ?

14 replies

Fedupofbeingcold · 18/02/2023 16:20

I have two young DC with ex (6 and under). They’ve been with their dad since Thursday morning, he’s only had them one other weekend this year so far as he’s ‘had other stuff on’. I asked if I could speak to them today, I haven’t spoken to them at all since they’ve been away. He said no. It would have been a couple of minutes, 5 at most. He also won’t let the children call me when they ask him, they’ve told me that before.
Do other single parents on here go completely no contact when their little DC go to their other parents? People around me think it’s completely unreasonable but I would really like an unbiased view.

OP posts:
YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 18/02/2023 16:23

I can't speak as a co parent, but when I was a child I didn't speak to my mum when I was staying with my dad. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong here.

Rtmhwales · 18/02/2023 16:41

DH has the kids 50/50 on a 2/2/5/5 pattern, they often don't talk to the kids during the 5 part but depends on the week. Their court order specifies they're allowed to call though.

I'd do the same when he asks to call next time. Just say no.

soboredtonight · 18/02/2023 17:02

My ex and I don't see eye to eye on anything. We have seen eye to eye on this.

He's a prick on many levels but he or I wouldn't stop our dd from speaking to the other one if our dd wanted to.

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FT123456 · 18/02/2023 17:03

I don't co parent but I think he's being unreasonable if the kids themselves are asking to call you and he won't allow it.. don't think that's particularly fair on them.

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 17:04

I dont contact my son when he's with his dad but if he was away for longer than a weekend I would. I would be mortified if my sons dad didn't allow me to do this or if he didn't allow my son to speak to me on the phone.
I do sometimes message him to ask how son is and I always get a response. I wouldnt be happy if I didn't!

Original poster
Fedupofbeingcold · 18/02/2023 17:21

Thank you for your responses, when it’s just a weekend I don’t contact them but every time it’s been for an extended visit I’ve been able to call them before. He was funny about me speaking to them last time they went so I should have expected it really. He said I upset them when I call, he definitely has an issue with them missing me. I did notice my youngest is very quiet so I don’t push it but I asked him if he wants me to call or if he wants to leave it because he gets sad and misses me but he insisted he wants me to call even if it makes him sad for a little bit. I obviously don’t want to upset him. Their separation anxiety is off the chart at the moment, no idea if calling them makes it worse or better!

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 18/02/2023 18:01

Looking at it from the other view, they haven't got into a regular routine with him therefore they are probably not that settled at his. So when they speak to you it unsettles them more by thinking about home and you.

When we were establishing a routine for my step children it was really difficult 😞 f they rung home for sometimes hours afterwards. Although I see the point you want to know how they are- I think until he establishes a regular routine that feels like home they will be unsettled. We are nearly five years in and it's only been the last 6 months where I can confidently say ringing home wouldn't create drama.

Also rather than just ringing randomly I would discuss a rule with your ex about ringing at a certain day and time, if he has them for a extended period of time. It might be easier and more ordered that way.

Original poster
Fedupofbeingcold · 18/02/2023 18:36

Yes, I absolutely see your point. I think I’ll leave it for now and have a conversation with the children before they go next time. I’m sure they’d understand that it might be best when they’re away for a short time that I don’t call them as I don’t want to make them think about and miss home. I just would have appreciated a heads up that it would be like this so I didn’t promise to phone them. Ordinarily we would agree the best day/time for me to call when I drop them off but I couldn’t do that this time. We’re over two years in and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier, quite the opposite.

OP posts:
mumyes · 18/02/2023 19:39

I think your ex is being a dick.
But I'd also - as long as your kids are happy /safe / ok - try to leave them all to it when he's got them.

Littlepaws18 · 18/02/2023 19:51

He isn't communicating well with you at all. I can completely see why you are angry at him simply refusing without any explanation. It's not a nice feeling thinking that you can't easily get in contact with your children.

We also have that issue too! The kids have asked to ring my husband and it's not happened and he if he is more than ten minutes late for his allotted phone call she won't answer, or if it needs to be moved it usually isn't and ringing outside of allotted times is never picked up!

It's so stressful sharing parenting- I can't wait until they are 18!!!

HVPRN · 18/02/2023 19:52

Hello. My 12y old is next to me. I read out your question as he has been going between houses since he was 5y. He said, he would miss me too much and he definitely recommends they are able to FaceTime you or speak to you as they would be upset even more without the contact, no matter how long they have been going to dads, because your mum is your mum.

I personally bought my eldest (8y) (at the time of original split) an iPod that had WhatsApp on so they could contact me whenever they wanted. I told them they could do the same for dad when with me. This significantly reduced separation and abandonment anxiety. At the end of the day, it is about their feelings and needs and not that of the adults.

Original poster
Fedupofbeingcold · 19/02/2023 15:16

HVPRN · 18/02/2023 19:52

Hello. My 12y old is next to me. I read out your question as he has been going between houses since he was 5y. He said, he would miss me too much and he definitely recommends they are able to FaceTime you or speak to you as they would be upset even more without the contact, no matter how long they have been going to dads, because your mum is your mum.

I personally bought my eldest (8y) (at the time of original split) an iPod that had WhatsApp on so they could contact me whenever they wanted. I told them they could do the same for dad when with me. This significantly reduced separation and abandonment anxiety. At the end of the day, it is about their feelings and needs and not that of the adults.

Please could you tell your son I’m really grateful for his insight, it makes such a difference to hear it from a child and made me realise that I barely go a day without speaking to my own mum and couldn’t imagine what it would be like for little children.
I know how they’ll be when I pick them up later, but the next time will be Easter so there’s time to attempt a civilised conversation about what the best approach is by then.

Thanks again for everyone’s help x

OP posts:
HVPRN · 19/02/2023 16:16

@Fedupofbeingcold My son said you're welcome 😊

Exactly (as adults we speak to our own parents regularly if we're lucky to still have them/have good relationship), really hope it works out for you all. Good luck & take care.

Lkydfju · 19/02/2023 16:19

We always used to let DSD call her mum whenever she wanted although I have to admit that when her mum would call her at bedtime (prompted my mum, not DSD) and say how much she missed her etc then it would often result in tears that we wouldn’t have otherwise had so we did try to discourage that but by suggesting earlier phone calls rather than none at all. At other times of the day it probably helped get settle more than anything and DH hoped that her mum never stopped her phoning him so did the same with her

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