Anxiety taking toddler to playground, help needed!

[GetMeToThePark]

NC as you do, and before anyone states the obvious, I know this isn’t normal hence posting.

I have a DD who’s 2yrs7mths. I’m a SAHM and just about getting used to this. It’s only just come to my attention through hypnotherapy that I have actually been holding onto to a lot (and I mean A WHOLE LOT) of parental anxiety and I’m working through it, slowly. Didn’t even start with DD. There’s a 15 year gap with my brothers and when they were babies/toddlers I was similar. Eased up as they grew.

Anyway, we have a park near us that is pretty perfect for little ones. Some equipment is for slightly older kids. BUT I find the whole experience terrifying. She’s super adventurous, energetic and a little chaotic at times, think leaps before she looks kinda thing. But nothing I’d deem unusual for her age and she’s pretty capable, brilliant at communicating but not always listening.

I just see danger everywhere, every wobble. I tried to ease up before and was doing ok, then she took a massive tumble down the side of a tall slide. She was fine and the thing is built so it’s not a straight fall, but my heart was in my throat.

I’d love to take her there every day, but I really struggle. I find it not just mentally but physically taxing because my heart is beating out of my chest the whole time and I’m holding myself together wandering around after her trying not to look worried and trying not to hover. When there’s lots of other children there it’s even worse.

She’s still little so I don’t expect to be the mum sitting at the benches whilst my kid gets on with it just yet. But I’d at least like to relax a little whilst we’re there so we could go more often. I know if we did she’d also learn how to navigate things better and maybe learn to take a beat before leaping.

Any tips? Any former playground anxious parents found a way through?

Thank you!

Oh so as not to drip feed too much, don’t even get me started on soft play!! 😖

Are you anxious no matter what the height of the equipment is?

I would find a park with toddler height equipment first and get her started on the lower climbing frames. These are generally at a height that you can reach up and intervene if needs be. She won't hurt herself if she falls off it. Tell her she can't go on the big biys and girls equipment just yet, because it's too high. Once she's OK on the smaller stuff, work up to the bigger frames.

Hi, sorry you feel this.

The playground every day is a very high bar. I'd advise a) starting smaller so once/fortnight and b) get her dad to do it if you have a specific issue.

Also find a smaller park with less intimidating equipment. Or soft play.

It sounds like you possibly had excessive responsibility for your brothers? Not sure if I understood that bit. Long standing issues can be resolved but takes time.

Not exactly the same situation with anxiety about the park but I have definitely experienced anxiety at some times in my life. Do you find it helpful to name it as anxiety at the time? So I would say to myself, that's anxiety speaking not what I really want to do. I'm going to do that thing anyway. And if you want to go frequently could you build it up? Go for a short time, recognise what was successful about the visit then go for a little longer?

I think the awareness that you have sounds great, a great basis for fixing this. I don’t get anxious about this kind of stuff at all but do about other things so no judgement.

I think the main thing is owning it, that this is your issue, and that you are seeing things that are probably quite safe as highly dangerous. A therapy like cbt could be helpful in picking apart the thoughts at play, but like you’ve identified there are often more long term examples that we’ve seen that set up this anxiety.

I think accepting that the worst could happen is helpful with anxiety. Like what is it you actually fear? That she will get cut, concussed, things like that? It’s good to accept that these things will happen on occasion. Or is it greater, do you think she will have a more serious injury? Even that is a possibility but very rare. It’s worth picking apart the details of the lies the anxious mind tells you and being ready to refute them when you are in the situation.

Also at 2.7 it would be usual to be hovering next to them most of the time IMO. I was not anxious but I was always there. 2.7 is still incredibly wobbly. You stay where you can intercept.

I understand this. For different reasons, my son is autistic and I've never known what he understands and he doesn't follow instructions. I still need to be with him constsntly at playground. It was very scary. I would say what helped is just going all the time, the more we went the more I realised he was okay and he became familiar with the equipment. I'm still with him at every point though he is 4 but that's OK.

The way she will learn to judge risks (look before you leap) is by taking risks. So you need to set her up by letting her take small risks that won’t have catastrophic consequences if (when!) she gets it wrong. So let her climb on appropriately sized equipment. Let her walk along low walls and borders and fall off. Don’t let her climb things that present a really serious risk if she falls - just say ´that’s for older children’. If you can’t judge this well yourself, use the age recommendations on the playground signs as guidance.
Some things that might help you:
Playgrounds are much better for climbing than furniture at home. The equipment won’t break or fall down and usually the ground is made of something fairly soft and bouncy.
When kids fall down you can wait a beat before reacting. Wait for them to get up on their own, and come to you for a cuddle if they need it. Half the time they just get up and start playing again, nearly half the time they time they need a little cuddle first, occasionally they’ve actually hurt themselves and need a scrape cleaning/ an injury investigating. You can tell if a child is fine or actually injured by how they react. But not if you immediately rush in assuming the worst.
Get her a little tricycle with a parent handle to steer. And a crash helmet. Go to the park together and just leave the helmet on at the park while she’s on the equipment.
Swimming is another good risk taking activity - but the water prevents injuries from falling! Are you comfortable taking her to the pool?
It definitely gets easier as they grow and get more capable. 2 year olds are often ridiculous balls of energy with no sense of danger but major fear of missing out.

Just popping out so will respond properly later but just wanted to say a huge thank you to those that have responded so far. It’s already making me feel better to know that I’m not some, that there’s maybe something I can do and that it will (hopefully!) get better. Thank you x

*not alone

Honestly, I would scrap the park everyday plan - yes of course it’s important for you child to have fun and stimulation, but if it’s at the detriment to you, it’s at the detriment to her too. It’s so easy as a parent to very young ones to forget that sometimes it’s okay to prioritise your needs. I realised this far too late into my own parenting journey!

Try not to worry about other people watching you hover, I wouldn’t in a million years think it was unusual or even notice another parent doing it. I still hover a fair amount by taller equipment with my 5 year old who has no fear.

Would something like a zoo or country garden membership be possible? Your kiddo will get to run around and tire herself out and you might find it less fraught? And there’s often a park on site for the days you feel up to it.

Could you join her up to a toddler gymnastics group? I take my 3 yo & it's great- they're taught to climb/roll/jump/swing safely & they gain confidence while you can help/watch but it's in a safe environment with people who are used to teaching these kinds of activities.

I hated taking DC to the park, found it incredibly stressful. I limited it to a maximum of once a week (once a day is madness, don't do it to yourself) and got DH to take them on his days off. He really enjoyed it.
Once they got bigger it was fine but I don't think they've been scarred by my lack of park visiting in the early years.

Is that the I to thing you have anxiety around? It sounds like you are having a panic attack, but I wonder if there are other triggers. Crowds? Traffic?

@GetMeToThePark totally understand with the anxiety over playgrounds! I was also hovering over my DD at that age!
She's now 4. And I'm still doing it but have got a lot better!! I also stopped saying "be careful!" Instead I say something like "what do you need to do now" or " is it best to grab here or stand there"
I also joined a sport group for toddlers to preschoolers ...playing in a big sport hall with soft balls or toddler sized gymnastic equipment is great fun and I felt less anxious..

Also going on a nature walk will also benefit your little one....

Soft play? Went once...never again! Just don't like it ... DD wasn't that fussed.

Good luck you sound an incredibly caring mumma
Xxx

Going to the park daily is a great aim, toddlers sleep and eat and behave so much better if they’ve had fresh air and exercise.

I’d suggest working up, not a big bang approach. Start weekly at quiet times, and work up to daily, as you get more desensitised to it. In practical terms, do you have a friend to go with? Ideally a friend with a few older kids who you trust? It may help to see how an experienced and less anxious mum manages their kids in a playground.

2 year olds should he hovered over. Do you stand at the bottom watching her play? I used to play on the equipment with DD and teach her how to use the equipment. Learning how to do risky things safely is how children become more resilient.

Other places to try are tumble tots or your local climbing centre (you might need to wait until she's 4 for that one) or toddler gymnastics clubs.

Soft play I would be on the (bigger) equipment with her too and playing with her. Once when I took DD a small child got their hand trapped in the netting walls, he'd been there a while and was crying it's only because I came across him that an adult noticed.

I am NOT saying you DD has additional needs at all but keep an eye on the 'no fear' side of things as no sense of danger can be a sign of some neuro diversities that she may need support with later in life or she may just be a natural risk taker.

I had adventurous toddlers and would hover. I would judge the parents who’d be sitting down not supervising because you just can’t take your eye off them for a second at that age!

I would rarely take them to a play park when it was busy and prefer to go to a bit of the park with trees/stones etc. they’d spend hours digging, picking up sticks etc. much better for all concerned.

But it’s worth exploring and dealing with your anxiety as it may manifest when they’re older.

Also go prepared for some scrapes. Once DD could walk I kept a small first aid kit in my bag with the basics, it meant if she ever fell over I could deal with it then and there and wash the cut out and, wipe it and get a plaster on it. I was a walking disaster zone when small and always covered in bruises and I remember having to walk home from the park several times with cut up knees which is a totally normal part of childhood. Of course being prepared meant that my own DD has managed to get to 13 and never ever grazed herself but it was useful for other children who hurt themselves.

@Dacadactyl im ok-ish with the smaller stuff, things she’s learned to navigate, but it’s in her nature to seek a challenge at the moment 🙄
But it’s a good point, we have another park that is smaller with smaller equipment. That could be my training ground :)

@watchfulwishes thank you. I wouldn’t say it was excessive responsibility but some. In my culture it’s kind of expected for older siblings to be involved in childcare and I was also the oldest cousin of a tight knit extended family which meant expectation of responsibility for a lot of little one’s 😅 You’d think that would make me more relaxed and I am with day to day childcare (although tantrums still frazzle me!) and emotional needs but physical danger is a bit out of my comfort zone. Aware part of it is generational as I remember the thousands of ‘be carefuls’ and numerous explanations of why and how things go wrong from elders. I’m working through it, though.

@User9088 i think you’re right, naming it and having a word with myself in the moment helps

@Beginningless thank you and yes similarly it helps to own it, you’re right. As much as it seems like ‘a thing’ now that I’ve labelled it since doing so I’ve realised I’m becoming a bit more (just a little so far) relaxed because I was carrying all this around on my shoulders silently before and now it at least feels like I’m slowly unloading it. CBT is a great shout! I had it in my early 20s for something else and it was a great turnaround. I will explore this again.

@doadeer im glad you’re both ok with it now at 4. That was my thinking behind going more often too, that’s she’d get more familiar with the equipment

Soft play might be better for you to start with as it soft!

I say I'm okay but I could never just sit on a bench and watch him. I always have to be involved there with him. But it is a lot better and he has learned a lot of confidence. I agree though with others that soft play is a little less scary.