Have I done the Wrong Thing?

[ljhals]

My children's father doesn't currently have a lot of contact with them, just once per week for a few hours due to PSO from the courts. He previous had them round about 3 times per week. However, after a build up of things then things exploding one night due to neglect/safety issues, I now have the children full time following taking things to court.

My son is a fairly level headed 9 year old. I'd gotten him a phone yesterday to text his mates/me/his dad, that sort of thing. I did not discuss it with his dad. I saw a text he sent to our son saying "I would have thought your mum would have discussed with me about getting you a phone. I will bring it up with her." However, he is blocked from my phone due to derogatory messages he sends, we have a community resolution order in place. He has blocked my partner and my solicitor from contacting him. We have CAFCASS involvement, just waiting for their visits after their initial telephone assessments. He has send the children several inappropriate messages about me which social have advised him not to.

Have I done the wrong thing by getting the phone without discussing it with him first? I honestly didn't think it would be an issue but am now doubting myself.

He is young for a phone, but its your call - I wouldnt have given the father the number though, if he known to be abusive

Well no you’re not required to discuss it with him, but it’s still a bit of a questionable parenting decision. 9 is very young for a phone.

Seems like he is downplaying what he has done and believes you should have a conversation to see if he is in agreement like any other separated family, forgetting that you are not any other separated family. Does he do this in other ways?

No, you did nothing wrong getting him a phone. My DC had an old phone at this age. I see why you allowed the dad to contact him but I would now think about blocking him on that phone. I'd ask advice from the professionals.

Well, what you have done is given his dad a direct line to him. Which he is already shown he is happy to use to get at you.
9 is young for a phone. And if his dad now has a direct line to manipulate him I think that is a bad thing, yes.

He is a sensible boy, and I am obviously ensuring the phone is used appropriately.

My question is more regarding whether or not I did the wrong this in not discussing with his father first.

@KendrickLamaze I think you might be right re: blocking him?

@GreenLeavesRustling Also think you're prob right. Think he is using the situation for manipulation now.

I think if his father wanted to be an equal partner in parenting and decision making, then he probably shouldn't have behaved sufficiently awfully to warrant the measures in place around his contact with your children.

Personally, 9 seems a bit young, but we don't know or need to know the details of your circumstances which could influence decisions. You know your son better than we do. I remember I got a basic phone when I was in my last year of primary school, as I was going to be walking home alone and letting myself in to the house, etc. But it didn't have internet access, and once I got home it just went in a drawer or on charge - I didn't use it other than that. You might want to consider a phone without internet or with parental controls on what your son can access.

As his father seems to have his number, I'd suggest changing his number and blocking his father's number from the phone.

I think the way your parenting relationship sounds it hasn't been very smooth and he has made some questionable decisions which has led you taking the bulk/ all parental responsibility. So no I don't think you needed to ask him, you have obviously risk assessed it for yourself. I would monitor whether having his dads number is working especially if he manipulative.

Also having a phone at 9 is a bit young for me but actually 20 odd years ago I had a phone at that age because I walked home from school. Also most people will give their children an ipad with no parental restrictions but criticise you for giving them a phone, they are pretty much the same thing nowadays.

Why did you put the dad's number in the phone if he's already sent the children inappropriate messages?? You bought the phone yesterday, so basically the very first thing you did was put in the dad's number and encouraged/ told your DS to text him. It seems like such a bizarre decision to put such a young child in direct contact with a manipulative, abusive man.

My brother has said the same, how am I meant to discuss it with him anyway when I've had to block him and get police involved, and he has blocked my partner and solicitor? And of course I would ensure his safety when using the phone and ensure it's used appropriately. There is an app on my phone that connects me to his phone so I can monitor everything and put usage limits on it. He would really only be using it to ring/text me when he is at my mum's, he uses my mum's phone to do this anyway, or my daughter's phone. He might have a game or 2 on there but as mentioned, what's the difference if he used a tablet, which he hasn't got.

I think the suggestions regarding blocking his dad might be the way forward. He was warned in the CAFCASS report that involving the children in adult disputes was not appropriate and potentially damaging to relationships.

It's a pretty difficult situation with their dad and he pushes back over lots of things, even when he has been advised otherwise, by professionals. I just feel like I've done the wrong thing by not discussing with him now.

I also think 9 is young for a phone. Your child may be sensible but what about his peers. Other parents don't always supervise well 'invasion of privacy' argument. Also depends on whether you enabled internet access etc or if it is just for texting.

That said, if Dad doesn't get involved with day to day parenting, then no need to consult him on phone decision.

Yes, you're probably right. Gave him the benefit of the doubt I guess. Social worker said texting was okay provided it was appropriate, even with everything that had gone on. Little man had said he misses dad, so thought it might be okay. The content is generally okay when he messages my daughter, but he does send some messages directed at me. This seemed to stop after CAFCASS. And because he had been warned in CAFCASS report about involving the children he might have listened. Clearly not.

I got my DS a phone at 8 specifically so he could text me when at his dad's as he was very reluctant to go otherwise.. I think in these situations it's completely normal for a child to get a phone a little bit younger than normal.

Having said that, DS's is locked down so only people I've approved can message him, so I would do that, and I would also keep on keeping an eye on the messages sent to him.

And I didn't even consider discussing it with their dad - I have 99% of the care for them, I decided it was appropriate for him to have a phone, none of his dad's business.

You haven't done anything wrong re. consulting his dad.

But it was a really bad decision to make him directly contactable. Nine is young for a phone anyway, but the last thing a nine year old with a problematic father needs is a direct line! Let him use someone else's phone for the odd time he needs to make a call.

Yes, think you're all right. Poor decision to allow contact with dad via phone. Just thought with CAFCASS report specifically saying it was inappropriate of him to involve the children and for SW to say messaging is alright as long as appropriate it might be alright cos he does miss his dad, and dad might have taken heed of SW advice re: involving children However, think dad has crossed the line again here.