Hello! I'm new to Mums net but wanted to share with you some of the things that I think work really well when it comes to step-parenting.
Don't get me wrong, step-parenting is never a walk in the park, but I wanted to help some positive vibes in terms of things that I've found are really important/work well in case anyone wanted any tips. Things I've found to be super important:
-
Discipline – kids being disciplined, and you being empowered to discipline when really needed, really important that your partner backs you up when you do so
-
Routine – a fixed routine which everyone is on the same page with. If the routine is going to change on a particular week, open communication with your partner to agree it upfront before telling the ex-partner the idea.
-
Children liking you – ideally meeting them from a young age so that you become part of the furniture
-
You liking the children – a lot of this will come down to the next point – whether their upbringing is aligned to your morals and values as well as how/why/when they’re disciplined
-
Values regarding upbringing – truly being on the same page around what you define as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parenting e.g. bedtimes, diet, activities, manners etc.
-
Finances – not feeling like you’re expected to pay, even if you usually are without actively doing it.
-
Make sure you’re a team – don’t undermine eachother in front of the kids. If you’re not happy with the way a situation was handled, pick it up offline.
-
Participation – Actively participating, doing your own thing as and when you see fit, organizing one weekend a month that you all enjoy. Really important that both parties are on the same page with when you can have time to yourself vs. when you’re expected to participate e.g. movie nights etc.
-
Roles & Responsibilities – I know that some may disagree here but I personally think it’s really important that you’re not expected to take on mum responsibilities. Sure, if you want to cook dinner, put their clothes in the wash or if your partner is running late from work so you need to do the school run then fab. But you shouldn’t be expected to play Mum nor should you try to play that role
-
Picking your battles – There will always be things that annoy you, but you really need to define what are the non-negotiables vs. what can you let slide. Simple example but breadcrumbs all over the counter after breakfast every morning vs. not flushing the toilet after every use. Or bigger examples, such as the ex-partner refusing to do all of the travel. Sometimes it can be so frustrating but you really have to think, ‘what is it worth?’ – if it’s keeping the peace then maybe it’s better to drop it
-
Ex-partner – life is so much better when the ex-partner is playing ball. So much of this has to do with the routine and being on the same page with it.
-
Seeing the child for who they are – Letting go of any resentment that they may remind you of the ex-partner. They didn’t ask for any of this and would love nothing more for their parents to be together. Be kind, and compassionate