Ex requesting videocall after not bothering with son

[PastelAdvice]

Me and my ex split almost 3 years back, i took full custody of our ds, i kept up with videocalls, texts about their progress in full detail then i noticed the dad stopped asking about him one time it took his 3 weeks to ask for a call or text in general. I started slowly replying in full detail just breifly text back. Then when they were in call he would barely ask anything and would be a waste of time. Then eventually he stopped asking to vidcall and would text every 2-3 weeks the same sentence how he is, sleeping/eating and school. I would then reply with small detail with photos. He hasn't seen his son inrl for 2 years and the last time he did i paid for my ds travelfare and my ex's plus pocket money for food etc. The excuse for him not coming to see if money, he says its easier for me to get money although i work 20 hours a week as a single mom living alone in a new home. I focus on my ds needs, pay my bills and work plus having to keep up with this parade of him not caring for his son. He would only send some presents around his birthday/xmas but last minute and ask specially what to buy. Therefore he doesn't look himself. Last time we tried to arrange videcall was 3 months back with my ds auntie (ex's sister) which i agreed to then she sent abusive voiceclips to my phone, saying how bad of a mother i am. So i instantly blocked her and his entire family. Now out of the blue he has asked me to start vidcalls BUT with his mom on HER phone.. i know if i do this she'll shout abuse down the phone to me and ask me a million questions which i do NOT need. They only want to know my ds when they want, am i wrong for NOT wanting to take part in this for the sake of my son? He doesn't ask about his father anymore i try keep him alive in his memory. But i can see his frustration if i start the vidcalls or phonecalls it will just get him all exicted again and his father will lose interest again.

Yanbu. It isn't fair on your ds. How old is he? Will he still remember his gran?

If he is still little, I wouldn't tell him about the call in advance. Set a date & time, if the call happens, just say 'there's a call for you' and pass it to him.

Any abuse or nastiness, end the call and tell your ds the connection failed.

he's 7 years old and has autism and adhd so his understanding is 100% He remembers them but doesn't ask of them often only i bring them up to keep them in his memory.

so his understanding isnt* 100%

Well if they are likely to be flaky in terms of reliability with ds or abusive in any way, I simply wouldn't bother. If its no benefit to ds and if it may cause issues down the line when they get bored again, I don't see the point. The vid call they are asking for is for THEM and not in the best interest of your ds necessarily.

I'm not sure how to respond to the text if i decide to not do the call.. which i don't i would rather them just ask about him more frequently then show some interest in my ds. I feel if i do as they ask they will abuse it and flake on my ds.

Can you ask to start with videos? With an agreement to progress to calls once ds is ready.

Ask your ex to do a video for your son and then son does one back. Ex’s mum can then be involved too if she wants.

when the video arrives watch it privately. If it’s fine show son. If not delete.

That at least let’s you control the first couple of interactions…..

I would simply reply that DS needs to build up a relationship with his father first before videocalling his grandmother therefore you will videocall him for x number of times first but if he starts being flaky then your not risking exposing your son again.