Am I wasting my maternity leave?

[ecossegirl91]

Had my first baby in oct 22 and they are now 4 months. Challenging baby who is unsettled /grumpy and a loud crier!

due to this (plus winter and not having “mum friends” available during the week) I spend a lot of time in the house. I do go on a walk every day for my own sanity plus baby gives good pram naps! And I meet my folks once a week for lunch. But haven’t done classes as as little one cries too much Altho in saying that I’ve said up for a little taster course of baby sensory shortly.

question I suppose is if I’ve wasted my leave so far? Four months already gone but I feel like other mums are out and about all the time but I feel it’s not been possible due to baby… just anxious about wasting precious time off I guess! Feels like it’s going to fast ( and slow)

I guess I just feel other mums are doing much more with their content babies…

You're doing great. Baby is still very young, you might find in a few months you might want to get out and about more but don't put yourself under so much pressure. Mat leave is for you and baby to bond, and to do whatever works for you. There's so much pressure on new mums to attend everything going so baby is stimulated and learning and socialising but honestly all baby needs is you.

If you want to socialise with other mums baby classes are fine (I never liked them, found them quite clique-y) but actually there are lots of more informal options out there too like groups at your local library, buggy walks etc. You could also look on the peanut app to see if anyone local fancies just meeting for the odd coffee.

Enjoy your mat leave, at your own pace xx

My sister does an Activity with her kids twice a day every day, but I find it just TOO MUCH.

You are not obligated to spend your leave the same way as every one else. Get to know your baby on your terms, not society's.

Are you looking after and taking the time to get to know your baby?

Are you looking after yourself?

If you can answer yes then the answer is no - you are not wasting it.

No. I had a baby in lockdown and couldn't do anything I'd planned. Not wasted though. Get those cuddles in.

DS is 18 now and I did all the baby music, swim, tumble tots etc. I don't really regret it as I met some long term friends there and I knew DS would be an only so I wanted to make sure he got used to other babies and children BUT if I could go back to the tiny baby months, I'd just spend the entire time snuggling him 24 hours a day!

If you are happy with how you are spending your time that is fine and you’re not wasting your maternity leave.
That said I wouldn’t let your baby’s grumpiness put you off, you won’t be the only one dealing with a grizzly baby at groups.
I am not the most sociable person but I did get out to one group each day and they were my saviour. If I then went to the park (obviously when a little older) I would normally bump into someone I had sat next to at a group and it was an in to a friendly chat. If there were people I didn’t know I was used to the patter and would make interested noises about their child to start up a conversation. Maternity leave would’ve been very lonely and boring without all of this.
It then followed through as my child went to preschool with others we had met at toddlers and then school.
If you don’t make mum friends it makes it harder to arrange play dates etc when they are older. If you show your face around the circuit now it does make it all easier later and I say that as a socially awkward person.

Oh, OP, I could have written this a year ago. I had my baby Oct 21 and when I’d make it to a baby group I’d cry on the way home because I’d just spent 90 mins walking, shushing, patting and consoling my absolutely furious baby in a church hall. The other content babies made me feel so sad and I worried that I was ‘wasting’ my mat leave and not enjoying it enough. I tried to focus on the pockets of happiness as they happened: baby staying asleep in the buggy after a walk so I could wee without balancing her; cuddling her and reading in bed as the winter sun warmed the room up; the occasional bf when she latched on properly without shredding my nips… and somehow that for me through a miserable winter.

Those content babies are now catching up with my daughter’s attitude as toddlers 😂

I started post natal classes at three weeks. I went out every day. I found babyhood really boring so took any excuse to get out - really unlike me, nowadays I'd much rather stay home, but then I was out all the time.
But that's me - do what you want. Bonding and getting used to your baby is the point of maternity leave.

I understand OP. I had a 2nd baby boy in Oct too.

My 1st was a dream content baby but was born in 2020 so sadly nothing much for us to do. Was determined to ‘make the most’ of this maternity leave and do all things available - swimming/baby cinema etc. I keep signing up to things thinking maybe he will have chilled out in a couple of weeks time but they always end up pretty disastrous due to him being so unsettled.

I feel like I should have had my babies the other way around but in the last couple of days I have just accepted the way my 2nd is and have stopped putting pressure on myself to do things.

I’m looking forward to chilling on a picnic blanket this summer with him, I reckon that might be more his thing :)

oh everyone you’ve really made me feel so much better! Thank you all 😄

My baby is almost 3 months. I had a c section and spent 9 weeks in agony unable to leave the house. Although in pain, I have been able to enjoy relaxing on the sofa and bonding with my baby. As long as your mental health doesn't suffer staying in, don't stress about baby groups or being super mum. I am not worrying about any groups or activities but if it comes to a point of feeling lonely then I will. Talking and playing with baby regularly (toys, play mats, stories) taking them out in fresh air is enough stimulation in my eyes.

This.

I didn’t go to groups until 6 months. I promise you “other mums” aren’t getting out and about as much as their social media posts indicate.

Do what makes you happy don't do what you think everyone else does or what is expected of you. I hate groups, I do go to them as my boy is a toddler now and needs tiring out. But it's the same people, same old patter, me chasing him around as I'm scared he will snatch a toy offending thus offending a mum or get twatted by the bigger more mobile kids.

I have 5 children.

baby no.1- we did ALL the groups. Sensory groups, bookbug, baby sign language etc.
baby no.2- we did the same groups but I found it awkward with 2 under 2 and stressed myself out.
baby no.3- by then I had 3 under 4. We did the local toddler group and the odd bookbug class. I felt incredibly guilty at how little we done compared to what we did with baby no.1. Covid closed the few things we did manage to do.
baby no.4- covid baby. We were in lockdown more often than not. Did nothing . I loved it.
baby no.5- We will do the odd bookbug group and that’s it.

I prefer being home. I like the little things like skin to skin, baby massage at home, the night feeds where it’s just me and her sitting up watching TV shows like Narco’s that I can’t watch when the other kids are around.

I think you're putting yourself under pressure, I went to baby massage classes (5wks) and I fed baby for two of them, had to sit him upright to just watch everyone else for two of them because he screamed when he was laid down and he slept clean through the 5th. But i went anyway because babies do these things and I got the learning of what to do so we can practice at home when he's in the right form for it. We'll have one day in the week where we'll go out and do messages and go for a walk 2 other days to get out and that's really it. I try to make my time at home fun, so we'll have tummy time (hates it with a passion) time on the floor on his back, read, sing songs etc and we spend a lot of time nursing and I'll do housework or sleep or have a cuppa when he sleeps. I honestly think going with it and trying not to compare yourself or your child is the biggest kindness you can give yourself on maternity.

Your maternity leave is for you to spend time with and look after your baby, which you are doing, so it's not wasted.
Spring is on its way and the baby should be getting a bit easier and you will both enjoy getting out in the fresh air.
If you want to join a group or 2, then do , but it's really not essential. Your baby will enjoy getting out and about with you, but it's up to you what floats your boat.
For example I always hated soft play , so mainly avoided going there , but was quite happy going to the park or woods.
If you want to meet people, do the same thing regularly, whether that's the park, the library or something else.
I liked a bit of variety but also a bit of structure, so did a baby massage class once a week, and a messy play session once the baby was a bit older. I did get out most days somewhere green because it improved my mood, but do what you enjoy.
You cannot be wasting this time spent with your baby, because you are spending it with the baby., helping them thrive. It's not a waste at all!

The only thing I consider pretty non negotiable for everyone's sake is fresh air and a bit of exercise (for you)....and you are doing that so relax and enjoy the break as much as you can.

I have a 4 month old too. I went back to work at 12 weeks but only did a baby group once and it was so boring.

You aren’t missing anything.

I had a baby like this. It gets easier. The last 3 months of my mat leave (I took the full year) were by far the best and most scuffed

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