Can't manage my child's behaviour

[antihero89]

I am at the end of my tether. My 3 year old is so, so defiant. She has absolutely no respect for anything I have to say so we end up in these situations where we are at complete loggerheads. I've tried all sorts, not a single bit of parenting advice has made any difference. If she doesn't want to get dressed for example then there's nothing which will change that. Just about the only way to get her to do anything is to bribe her but that's not sustainable and I feel like she shouldn't be able to dictate everything on her terms.

I know it's totally normal 3 year old behaviour, I'm just looking for any tips of things I can try in case I'm missing a trick or there's something she responds well to which I haven't come across yet. Thanks!

My three year old is a bit of a bugger with clothes she likes to pick her own which are generally princess dresses in winter…
have you tried talking to her, I mean actually talking her through why she needs to wear something etc or give her an option of two things, so this or this to wear to the park say…?
im probably not being much use but didnt want to read and run….

My 3 year old has been terribly defiant and contrary almost from the exact day he turned 3!

It's been a few months and I have noticed some better days followed by some worse ones. I think they all go through something similar.

I've found stating facts and telling rather than asking help for things like getting dressed, tidying up, brushing teeth etc. "It's time to " rather than "can you please"

If you look up oppositional defiant disorder you might find some of the tips useful. I'm not saying your DD has this. I think it's a normal phase but the techniques do help.

Thanks @NapoliTutti I have, she's just turned 3 and her speech is not great so it's hard to engage this way. But it does work for getting ready for nursery as I can explain she can't wear PJs to nursery which she understands but for example today she didn't have nursery and there was just no reasoning she would accept, she just point blank refused. She even chose her own outfit just wouldn't put it on!

Sorry

• "It's time to xxxxx" rather than "can you please xxxx"

Worse age so far. Had so much of this.

Ive bought this book and it has some really good tips in the back you can print off and stick around. “How to talk so little kids will listen”.

I’ve found the best thing is to give them choices “do you want the red or blue top?” Then make it a game. “Ooh let’s put it on like a snake!” And pretend to be a snake putting it on. Or get a toy to put it on them. Involve them in EVERYTHING so they’ve chosen things they do or eat or have, have the patience of a saint 😂 and nothing is a big deal unless it actually is dangerous.

Wont put coat on? Ok that’s fine let’s see how you feel outside. It’s a little cold now let’s try again. ANY attention is good so ignore whatever bad behaviour you can, fix it if needs fixing ie swiftly remove thrown toy, then move on.

Phrases that are positive like “you seem proud of yourself when you do that”, “I like how you’re eating that”. Nothing over the top and focus on effort not result.

And I actually disagree with your final statement. People forget how little choice kids have. Let her be her own person, she’s learning. Just be calm and firm with the things that really matter.

I’d they like a tv show like peppa, make it about peppa “ooh this looks like peppas top!”

I found a timer helped. I searched for kids 10 minutes timer on YouTube and then we have to race against the clock to get ready - we're a very competitive family though so this might not work for everyone. Choices are good. Stinky sock monster came out a few times. Pick mummy's clothes in desperate situations also did the trick though you do spend the day dressed like a cbeebies presenter.

I also found picking my battles worked. If you're not going out for a few hours getting dressed isn't necessary. I used to find my DD would eventually take herself off to get dressed, especially if I reminded her that she couldn't go in the garden in her pants.

If you have serious defiance you need to pick your battles.

Are you quite a bossy/particular person? Try to answer honestly as you may be starting/engaging in more battles than you need to have.

What would have happened today if she did wear pyjamas? Would anything really have happened or would you just have been annoyed at 'losing'?

I would just let more things go and let natural consequences do more of the work. This would preserve my energy for non-negotiables e.g. medical, seat belts, road safety.

I never get why its the terrible twos as three is much more defiant.
I quite like '1,2,3 magic' and 'how to talk so kids will listen' as books. i also like a timer and visual timetables and something from the SEN world called 'now and next' language. So now we put in clothes, next we go to park.

We're well into terrible twos and almost threes. Here's my tips how I manage my DD

1. Tantrums - if they're dragging on IGNORE them. Don't talk, but use pointing to communicate if necessary through the screams. Pick up your child gently but firmly when needed.
2. Start talking to a Teddy and pretend it's whispering in your ear. Talk about the child as if they're not there oh yes I know xxx is a bit upset right now, but yeah...
3. Safe space I.e. sit them in their bed etc with books and let them calm themselves down. Leave the room.
4. If your routine for getting ready for e.g. is slowed because she's not cooperating, leave her be and get ready yourself. She'll panic and then start saying she wants come to and will suddenly be ready to cooperate.
5. Alternatively get her ready first including coat, hats and shoes. Most likely she will be in stand by mode.and more willing to follow small instructions to help you hurry up. Can you get mummy's purse etc.

I absolutely agree with the advice to pick your battles. I have a three year old too so feel your pain. I wouldn't have had a battle about getting dressed though if there's no need for it. Yesterday my DS decided that nothing would do other than getting into his pyjamas in the middle of the afternoon. So I let him. I have basically turned into the laziest, most CBA parent in the world at the moment.

Thanks @Newnamenewname109870 we have that book and she responds well to things initially but very quickly gets 'savvy' to it then won't respond any more.

With the coat thing we tried that but she'll get outside and be cold then will still refuse to put it on. The only way we've got round it is for her to wear fleeces instead as she point blank wont wear a coat even when she's shivering!

As a PP said, pick your battles. If she wears pyjamas it's not the end of the world.

@watchfulwishes she did end up going out in her PJ top today. I worry I pick my battles too much such that she knows she will get what she wants in the end and wondering if that's part the issue.

Bottom line = no coat, no outside.

With the coat thing we tried that but she'll get outside and be cold then will still refuse to put it on. The only way we've got round it is for her to wear fleeces instead as she point blank wont wear a coat even when she's shivering!

If she’s wearing a fleece then she’s fine. That’s good enough.

Know your limits and stick to them - this is particularly important for dangerous stuff or teeth brushing etc.

When my DD was 3 she generally just wanted to be contrary, so a lot of the time the easiest thing was to not engage and not give her attention. So if she wouldn’t get dressed, I would just get up and say “ok, come and find me when you’re ready to get dressed” and leave the room and basically ignore her. Sometimes she’d come through right away and sometimes she’d have 10 mins of faffing before she came through, but it was still less stressful than 10 minutes of arguing and bargaining and wasn’t really any slower!

@Soapnotshowergel haven't tried a timer. Might try that, it would definitely work for a short while as she is quite responsive to that sort of thing but I imagine after a while she'll just decide she doesn't care if she misses the timer and will go back to her own terms. That seems to be the pattern!

It’s tricky isn’t it because the mind of a child is a complicated thing and often the way we’re told to parent is simplistic eg no coat, no going out.

i have an autistic six year old and an almost 4 year old who may have SEN but is in any case very defiant.

my 6 year old wouldn’t wear a new coat I’d got her. But she could explain it was because of the Velcro (sensory issue I think) so I removed the Velcro and she wore the coat. I reflect on this a lot as it dawned on me how much harder that would have been if she hadn’t been able to explain to me.

anyway….I try to reduce demands as much as possible. I draw the line at safety issues and health eg brushing teeth. I mainly rely on empathy, humour and logic. And also discussing what the problem is and trying to find a solution together. But my youngest is extremely articulate so that is easier.

also I see that the stronger my relationship with my kids is the more they are willing to do as I ask so I try to do lots of focused special 1-2-1 time. Just like ten minutes of colouring or play dough or whatever but complete focus on the child.

Rotate your techniques. If she responds to one for a bit and then it gets boring, just switch to the next one. If you have 5 or 6 techniques the first one will probably seem new to her by the time you get back to it.

I found a timer extremely helpful. I tried to empathise with it as a struggling with transitions thing. Mine needs to be told what we are doing that day and given plenty of notice when we are changing activity.

Tell her the coat is too big for her so she can’t have it…

That would have made my daughter put it on just to show me I was wrong 🙄.

I took mine to kindergarten in her pyjamas with the clothes in the car. Miraculously by the time we got there she was dressed. Never had that particular issue again.