Not feeling love towards my children?

[Lostinthewoo]

I understand that it’s a harsh topic and probably shouldn’t be said out loud, but I am at my wits end and still hoping to change the situation, perhaps you could guide me towards some ideas despite me sounding horrible! I am a full time working mum to 4 young children, elder DS and DD are primary school aged, and younger DS and DD are 2.9 twins.

Thing is, since the twins birth (which was quite traumatic being in the midst of lockdown with no support, babies admitted to NICU without any clear prospects for their future wellbeing and all that) I haven’t had a single day thinking that I am not enjoying my motherhood anymore.

I used to be very content with my elder children (which have always been and still are as good as gold) - well-behaved, kind, supportive, and into a lot of things. We used to go to day trips as a family, visited loads of small towns, museums, exhibitions, events - you name it. Twins are totally different. They are healthy and happy toddlers, but they are very active, not always listening, and it’s simply impossible to take them places - we attempted taking them to a museum couple of weeks ago, where they nearly knocked down an ancient stone despite being supervised! It’s nearly impossible to eat out, they won’t sit still for a second, they are very loud and always make their presence known despite all our efforts!

I know I sound horrible, but I am constantly in a state of high alert with them and simply stopped enjoying my life. My eldest are suffering lack of attention because we (me and DH) are always distracted by the youngsters. Being home is difficult too - they fight with each other, their brother and sister for attention, I just don’t know what to do. DH is working long hours and is often abroad on business trips, but I can see he’s exhausted too.

The twins are in a lovely village nursery full time, never had any complaints from the stuff so it must be my problem, not theirs.
I am always down, my life is split between work and few hours at home when I try to survive until kids bedtime. Worst of all, I know that I am massively letting all
my children down! My biggest wish is to be a loving and caring mom for all of my children, they really deserve it. Do you think it can be some kind of depression or is it just early years? I’ve never had this feeling with my eldest, this really is killing me and I don’t know what to do. Please, please help..

And yes, forgot to say it’s my first post here although I am a dedicated reader of mumsnet, especially aibu 😂

Didn’t want to read and run @Lostinthewoo, sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m sure you’re a fab mum! 4 kids is bloody hard work especially with toddler twins. Cut yourself some slack. I don’t have experience in this myself but hopefully someone with multiple dcs will be along to offer advice soon.

Toddler DTs (they’re my only kids!) damn near broke me, so I can only imagine just how much harder it must be with two older ones as well.

It isn’t you, it’s them. It really is. They’re ‘good’ at nursery same as mine were for ages, until they grew more comfortable and had their usual twin full on fights. I’d warned nursery beforehand that that’s what they’re like, once they’d witnessed it firsthand they just let them crack on with it to a degree and it was barely mentioned to me unless I asked!

I read online somewhere about escalating twin syndrome where they basically don’t need a parent’s approval because they have each other’s, and spend the time egging their sibling on to do more and more destruction/craziness. I could scream until I was blue in the face with mine (theoretically, I never did!) but they just didn’t care, because their sibling was laughing their head off.

And then, they turned four, and it was like a switch flicked. They went back to generally being my delightful children like they were until they were 2 (and they became feral beasts).

To be clear, it’s not you, it’s them. Ages 2-4 are the reason I’m not risking more kids, because I can’t face going through that again! Lower your standards as low as you can go, remember this will pass, pick your battles (and stick to areas they can cause destruction without costing you money!) and hopefully they’ll come out the other side as little delights.

My mum had me (eldest), my sister 20months younger, then my brother. Wanted a 4th, 4th were twins. 3 kids under 2. I have no idea how she managed it, but she did get through it. We're all grown up now and love love love each other to bits. Toddlers are soooooo hard- let alone two of them PLUS two older kids.

You are a fucking hero for managing it all, keep telling yourself that. When days with my son are difficult (I only have one for now!) I keep saying to myself over and over that I'm a fucking hero. I can imagine that toddlerhood is going to be the most brutal bit - as they get a little older it'll become much more manageable.

It sounds like you're a decent, loving mum who is finding it all very challenging. You're not letting them down - you're doing the very best you can.

I can think of plenty of mums who darent go to a museum with their twin toddlers so good on you for trying. Can you take them somewhere they can really let loose without worrying about things getting knocked over? Park, playground, feed the ducks?

You're burnt out. what capacity do you have to cut your work down? Go part time or even take some sick leave? Keeping the twins in nursery, while you just have the day to day household stuff to deal with and can actually recharge while the kids are in school/nursery. You need some breathing space. Your DH (while i get that travelling can be tiring) will be getting full nights of uninterrupted sleep and be able to unwind before sleep etc when he's away.

Oh my goodness, our 2yo is going through the worst toddler "NO MEEEE" stage and I can only imagine how difficult life would be if there were two of him. Honestly, this will pass, but it must be exhausting. You don't have to love it. You just have to get through it. I'm sure you're a great mum. Have all the wine.

Thank you everyone, all your kind replies reduced me to tears 😭😭 (sorry I haven’t mastered “reply to all” function yet).
Unfortunately reducing work hours is out of the question, as the eldest is preparing for 11 plus exams (we live in the area without decent comprehensive school, and cannot afford private, so this is the only option for us as he is a bright kid).
DH is very handy when he’s around, to the extent my friends can’t get what am I complaining about. My worst fear is what sort of memories do I create for my childhood now - aways tired, nervous, irritated and grumpy grown up without any real interest into spending time with my own children (no matter how hard I try).
It’s also hard for me to understand if I feel it because I am tired or is there any other underlying reason- perhaps I am just a shitty person and all I needed to show my true colours was a little bit of stress, or can it be depression?…

Children, not childhood…

You’re totally right- they are nagging each other into trouble totally ignoring me or dad, it looks like they’re enjoying our desperation!

Please have a chat with your doctor about counselling/pnd/ptsd. As you said the twin’s birth was traumatic. The pandemic has affected people’s mental health and your experience was more traumatic than others. It sounds like you haven’t had the time or space or support to process what happened. You are an amazing mum. It will get easier but do get some support x

You can't pour from an empty cup. You need to talk to your DH about getting in more help when he is away. The only way you will have more to give to your children is if you have time for some self-care. At the moment, it sounds like you're in a state of constant stress so of course you're going to be switched off emotionally... that's part of how you're coping with it.

I have teens now but remember that stage just before age 3 well... I think things will improve with time especially once they start preschool and school.

Hang in there!