Almost 4yo regressing - how do I handle this?

[thecatwiththesilveryfur]

My almost 4yo has always been quite a gentle soul and quite attached to me, but he used to be really confident and sociable. Over the past few months, he's started regressing really badly: he's started calling me 'mama' again, constantly tells me he loves me, always wants to be sitting on my lap. If he doesn't want to do something, he'll shake his head, go silent and shake, making a little whining noise. He can speak really well, but is doing a lot more whiny noises than explaining what he means at the moment. He's also become really resistant to everyone else, including people he usually loves like his dad or my mum- he basically only wants to be with me.

Obvious causes that I can see: he has a sister who has just turned one, and I've gone back to work, which he absolutely hates. I try really hard to give him special time by himself without his sister, talk a lot about our feelings, tell him I love him. What else can I be doing? This has been going on quite a long time now and I'm getting worried.

Nursery say he doesn't do it there.

Any thoughts welcomed!

How long have you been back at work?

It’s quite likely he’s feeling a bit unsettled because of that. It might help to explain that you miss him when you’re at work but you have to do it because x, y, z and anything good about working (if does pay for things!) plus let’s plan some fun things when I get home, at the weekend etc. A bit of time will sort things out as he gets used to the new arrangements.

What specifically are you worried about? There is nothing to be worried about IMO.

Just keep being patient and trust he will pass through the phase. He has had two changes then - a sister and you going back to work.

I would indulge within reason and also try to offer fun things to do.

Never ever talk about being a 'big boy' or any of that stuff. Older siblings get a lot of pressure to be the big one and it often backfires.

Regarding talking - I would just ignore and avoid asking him direct questions so that he is not put on the spot. Just try to include him in conversation. So you say 'Oh that looks like a great picture, I love the colours' and leave a gap for him to speak if he wishes, but don't say 'What is your picture about?' as he may just not want to speak.

One key thing is he is fine at nursery. Your first objective is therefore to not make things worse by putting pressure on at home.

These are reassuring replies (thank you!). I've been back at work since just before Christmas, so I thought he might have settled into it by now. Same with having a sibling; I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd found her being born hard, but she's a year old now: he can't even remember before her!

I suppose I'm worried because he seems less sociable, less confident, less happy. I don't want all of his happiness to be wrapped up in sitting on my knee. (That's lovely, of course! - but surely there should be other joys for him!)

Thanks for such kind replies

The sibling issue gets worse as the sibling ages, so the jealousy at the beginning when they are basically just a blob is less than when they are more identifiably like a person and engaging and everyone wants to talk to them too. Plus he is older so more aware now too. It will then recede again when he realises you do in fact still love him and it is quite boring sitting on your knee. If you are reliably there, he will hopefully stretch away from you.

Also 'just before Christmas' has only just happened! You have very recently gone back to work, it is presumably not even two full months.

Yes, the sibling jealousy between my two started when the youngest turned one.
DH and I had been smug gits who thought we'd somehow bypassed sibling jealousy, but as a pp said it kicks in the more 'like a real person' the younger one becomes.

Does it seem most likely this is a sibling jealousy problem, then? That seems less worrying!

Most cases online seem to ee of younger children- especially toddlers - and only last a few weeks. This has been going on for a few months now. Is that still within the bell curve of normal?

Could he be anxious about starting school in September (assuming you're in England and he's coming up to school age)?

I don't think he's really aware of it. His nursery may be doing some prep work, but it's not something he's mentioned at home, and when we have mentioned it, it's not been a big deal.

Sometimes they can't vocalise what s wrong with them at that age.
Are you sure he s settled and happy at nursery and happy with his companions there ? Sometimes the simplest thing can throw them off too.

I used find it helpful to have a short bit of 1-1 activity with mine each evening - so I had sand timers (Amazon) and would
Put the timer on for our 15 minutes - and we used play colour/ play Lego/ something where they had my attention, when it was 13 mins gone I would remind them that oh our play time
Is nearly finished but we can do it again tomorrow.... and then go make dinner / get on with the rest of whatever I needs to do. Often I d hear about who/
What wa bothering them as they coloured or played.