I don't want to be a mum anymore

[LittleMango]

I'm well aware that this is going to be a horrible, unsympathetic post and for that I am sorry.
I don't want to be a mum anymore and I'm not sure if I ever did. I have a 3 year old and I regret it so much. I desire freedom so much and I feel so trapped. I do have time to myself and I do have someone to watch him at night if I wanted to go out but it's just not enough. I'm so selfish I should never have had a child.
When I was pregnant I had just come out of an incredibly abusive relationship and my child saved me in the sense that I'll never be in those relationships again.
Without him I'd still be in those situations.
I had a traumatic birth (Born at 31 weeks, pre-eclampisa, emergency c-section) I didn't even want to see him the 5 weeks he was in the hospital. I hated going to see him, I had so much anxiety and I really kept my distance.
I spilt up with the childs dad when my son was still in the hospital and it caused something awful. I was sleeping around and my childs father broke into my flat and assualted me. Social services were involved for just over a year. The first 5-6 months of my childs life was awful. I was so alone and I made an attempt on my life.
Things got better as time went on but I have never got to grips with being a mum ever. And I feel so guilty. He's behind on his speech and I think it's because I don't engage with him enough. Potty training is still ongoing several accidents a day and he's nearly 3 and a half. We never go out because I just don't like doing it.
I just want to spend time away from him because I feel like I can finally breathe. I feel so bad saying all this stuff but I hate being a mum.
He has no contact with his dad but sometimes I feel like just messaging his dad and saying have him because I don't want to do it anymore.
My son deserves a better parent than me. I don't even meet the bare requirements of parenting - I begrudge every single responsibility that comes with it.
My head is always filled up with stuff and then adding parenting ontop of it I can't do it. Don't get me wrong we have good days sometimes but I don't have the mental capacity for it. I can barely look after myself and my responsibilties are all wrong. I feel so sorry for my son. I never should have had him and I don't know what to do.

wow this sounds very hard. Sounds like a very traumatic start to becoming a mum with the abuse and medical issues.

Do you have anyone else who helps care for your son who could help take on more of the care and give you some space?

Have you been to the GP to get mental health support in case this is an issue?

Sounds like you need to self refer to social services, you need some intervention asap.

It sounds like you have trauma issues you need to address. This is why you feel you don't have the mental capacity to look after your son. Agree with PP you need intervention as soon as poss.

It gets easier as they get bigger and more independent. You’ve honestly done the hardest part, those early years are tough and you will get far more time to yourself once he is in nursery / school.

Can you make an appointment with your GP and see if they can help you? I don’t know if this is trauma or depression but I would really advise getting help.

It sounds so tough but right now you and your child really need some support.

Agree with @Kate8990, my DD was premature and I also hated going to the hospital, the whole experience totally shattered any bond I felt and it took years to repair it, with a lot of hard work. That's one traumatic experience you've been through and then add to that the situation with your child's dad and previous relationships, it all stacks up. When you're traumatised you don't have room in your brain or body to give to other people and that makes being a mum really hard. Would you try going to your GP or health visitor and explaining the situation? Or you could refer yourself to early help at your local authority?

I felt like this when my dd was little. She’s now 19 and has no idea I ever felt like this and we are very close. I would say if you’re not already in work get a job and put your dc into nursery - it will give you time to be yourself and they won’t be missing out on anything as they’ll be getting all the attention and stimulation they need from nursery. The rest of the time you just have to fake it to make it and eventually it will get easier - toddler time is a really horrible, lonely time to be a parent if it doesn’t come naturally to you. I completely empathise. Oddly enough I had a second child ten years after my first and felt very differently then - so much so I became a stay at home mum and loved it. I can’t really explain why. I think I was just at a different time in my life. But it’s okay to feel this way - it’s a lot more normal than you think.

I am very wary of having social services involved. While some social workers are very kind (which I did end up having) at the beginning of their involvment I had a very nasty social worker who was looking for any reason for me to have my child took off me. I do not think my child will be better off in a system. Plus my family would be incredibly disappointed in me that I have got social services involved.

For all intents and purposes I should be coping. I do have time to myself and I have someone who can take my child overnight if I needed. I'm just so selfish, fed up, trapped, lazy, impatient. I'm not someone who can do this.

Sounds like you had a very difficult start to motherhood through no fault of your own, and that is making it hard for you to enjoy it now. Have you had any counselling to help you come to terms with what happened?

@LittleMango Call the GP tomorrow morning OP. You need help and support in dealing with your trauma.

Could your parents or relatives help out more?
To give you time to deal with some of the trauma.

I just say that from 3 and a half it definitely gets easier. When he starts school you might find you turn a corner.

I struggle with some mental health issues and it makes it so much harder (my son is also 3 and a half)
Really wish you all the best

Could you get a more formal/regular agreement with the family member that helps you (I’m assuming it’s your parent). Maybe open up about how you are feeling and see if they can do 3 days a week care every week for a while. This would give your child some interaction with someone who might be more well to meet their needs and give you time to work on what you’ve got going on.

I echo everyone else suggesting calling the GP to ask for therapy. I suspect that loving has been risky and has had negative consequences for you in the past. Could part of you be very very scared of really loving your child? It leaves you so vulnerable and open to hurt. Sorry if that’s overanalysing nonsense.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org.
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Honey I feel for you. I was in a very traumatic time when I was pregnant. My ex left me by email when I was 20 weeks. I has pre-natal and post-natal. Post-natal I was on a lot of medication. It did help for a while. I then got mastitis and had to have an op to remove my milk glands from one breast. I had to stop breast feeding which was my one way to connect. Then medication helped again. It’s a long process to connect if trauma is in pregnancy. I hope you got there xx