Men get to go to the pub while their wife is at home with the baby?

[Cleanqueennot]

We have a 6 month old baby. My husband is by no means the worst husband. He works all week and does cook and clean. He is great with the baby when he is at home. I’m just left feeling a little lonely and annoyed that at least a couple of times a month he goes out drinking with friends or socialising and it’s usually for most of the day but is back home before midnight. He does text while he’s out and I’ll often get a FaceTime, photo or video of their antics.

I don’t have the option of doing the same as I’m breastfeeding and tbh I wouldn’t want to be away from my baby anyway. I have no family or friends that live near us as they are all 500 miles away, so I guess that doesn’t help.

AIBU to expect him to also not want to be away from us? I just think that my life is different now that I’m a parent and I don’t see the appeal of getting drunk anymore. Plus who needs a hangover the next day when you’ve got the baby to deal with! Or maybe it’s different when you know your partner will just deal with the baby by default 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do I need to have a word with him or should I stop being so bitter?

Sorry for the long post!!! X

Sorry OP YABU! He isn’t stopping you from having a break, you don’t want one, so he isn’t doing anything wrong here. A couple of times a month, home before midnight is not pushing his luck at all. If you don’t to go out drinking don’t let him hold you back though.

Hmm couple of times a month so that’s 2 out of 8 weekend days ? I’d say that’s a bit too much personally. Once a month ok.

Now that your baby is weaning it should become easier for you to go out and have some child free time, ok not the whole day but several hours.

I do think you are partly feeling this way because you don’t have nearby friends though, so I am guessing you look forward to having company from DH at the weekends. Now is a good time to go out to baby groups or other places and try to make local friends. You don’t want to be solely dependent on your husband for adult company.

Yes, generally it’s at least 2 out of 8 weekend days with the occasional additional Friday evening session. I do feel like it’s a bit much too, and I had no problem with it before we became parents as I could always join him and get on well with his mates. I just feel as if my life is different now whereas he has kept most of his ‘old’ life if that makes sense.

I do go to baby groups etc and have met some other nice mums but they all seem to be busy at weekends with their own families.

Baby has started weaning but it has made life 10 times harder not easier. Now we have to encourage baby to eat solids, then after he gets frustrated or bored of that we have to quickly get him cleaned up a bit as he wants to breastfed straight after, even if he’s been breastfed before the solids! Im sure it’ll get easier but for now all I feel like I’m doing is feeding/cleaning the baby 😅

AIBU to expect him to also not want to be away from us?

Yes, YABU.
Perfectly reasonable to go out a couple of times a month.
I did too, when all of ours were small. I mean, not drinking for all those hours as that isn't my preferred activity, but I felt (and do still feel) it is incredibly important not to martyr yourself, and incredibly important to go to something where you are 'just you' and not 'parents of Baby X'

Twice a month is quite normal.

Why don't you go out? It doesn't need to be with friends- get a hobby that takes you out.

His body and outlook hasn't changed because he hasn't given birth. He probably thinks that you could go out too if you want to because men simply don't get it. Be grateful he cooks and cleans as my DH didn't.

That’s a good point. Maybe my problem is that my desire to go out has changed. Maybe I need to think of a new hobby that I’d actually like. Can’t think of any that don’t involve socialising or spending quite a bit of money (that we no longer have while I’m on Mat leave) 😂

I don't think "you wouldn't ever want to be away from us". It's reasonable, I also don't think creeping to every week him being out for much of I've whole day is reasonable either.

Can you talk to him about quantity? That you feel abandoned being home all day off a weekend whilst he's out living it up, it cuts down on family time and it's you were to suddenly do the same, you'd never see each other.

At the same time tho, work on making some space for you. You said matt leave so I assume you're returning for work. Never having had any time away from baby then being out 8 hour days isn't going to help.

I've she's fed, how long until she needs feeding again? Can you literally feed her, get dad to clean her up, you go on the car and go out? Coffee, a movie, just a drive in the fresh age if it comes to it lo

Seems absolutely fine to me
Start thinking about getting out yourself as your child is moving from the newborn stage Should give you some perspective

he needs to be reciprocating, even if you can’t leave in the same way. So if he leaves around noon on Saturday and comes home just before midnight, I would say an equivalent is him taking Sunday 6am to midnight where your only responsibility is when he brings you the baby to breastfeed. You get longer since you get interrupted and can’t actually go out for real. The rest of the day you should get to spend on hobbies, watching tv, taking a nap, and just having down time knowing that he has taken over the role of primary parent and caretaker of the home.

I could speak to him about how often these days out are. I do think he would listen and yes, if I were to do the same we would never see each other or have family time, so it’s just feeling unfair because it’s just taken for granted that I’m always here.

I will be returning to work part time once baby has turned 1 so I’m not too concerned (yet) about leaving him then. Plus, I’m lucky enough to be able to work almost entirely from home.

At the moment, even if he’s fed I can’t really reliably leave him. Sometimes he will need feeding again 1.5 hours later but sometimes needs feeding again 2 or 3 hours later. I don’t believe in cutting out his feeds or anything like that as he’s not a heavy baby at all and I want him to keep gaining weight healthily. He also won’t take a bottle. I hate expressing milk anyway so we have just found our way breastfeeding is best. Obviously that put all the pressure on me though!

If you’re on maternity leave and with the baby all day five days a week, yes it’s too much – it stops you having any kind of break. I used to be desperate for the weekend for adult company from DP but also breaks – babies are relentless and 24/7. He’s literally leaving you holding the baby. And even if you could do the same, it wouldn’t quite be the same as he would get a mixture of work and a day with the baby and a family day. Whereas when he goes out all day your week is five days with the baby and a day with the baby and a family day. Nah.

What’s he like in the evenings? Does he do bathtime?

Sounds like the problem isn't so much that he had his thing but that it's unusual because you don't have yours.

You need to just go out for a walk or a coffee by yourself for a couple of hours. Take a book, sit in a cafe, enjoy night being touched. Your baby will be fine and probably settle better for your husband without you there. I have a similar age baby who won't take bottles and he can do 4ish hours fairly easily when I'm not there so likely similar for you.

Once you've had a bit of time you'll see how the balance works and can decide if you need a chat about him cutting down his pub days. Perhaps you could go in the day and take the baby home at dinner time? Appreciate it's yet more cost.

Yes, that’s exactly what I feel like. I look forward to the weekend so we can have family time but it also gives me a breather to have time to do simple things like shave my legs or wash and dry my hair properly. Otherwise it just feels like all week I’ve been doing everything for the baby and the weekends when he’s out I actually feel like I hate my life and struggle to cope. This is on top of waking up every 2 hours each night to attend to the baby so I’m shattered. Of a weekend, if DH is up early he will take baby in the morning so I can have a lie in but if he’s drank too much that also doesn’t happen, so another reason for me to hate him going out.

When he’s home from work in the evening he cooks and cleans as baby tends to be fussy and I can usually keep baby quiet with my boobs 😂 so I’m obviously stuck with the baby again. For bath/bedtime, I do it mostly. DH claims it’s unfair for him to do baby’s bedtime routine as well as all the cooking and cleaning. I see his point but this literally gives me NO break at all. He argues that he gets no break either as he gets home from work and has to cook and clean and at least I get to sit on sofa with the baby 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, he probably thinks that because she could, but chooses not. The problem is that she wants to be to choose for him as well.

I do agree I could make more effort to go for a walk by myself or go for a coffee etc but to be quite honest I spend most of the day walking around with the baby in the buggy as it’s the only way to make him nap. I don’t really have the desire to go
out anymore. I’d much rather be at home enjoying a hot bath or curled up with a good book, but much harder to do that if I can hear baby crying in the house.

I have joined DH occasionally for a couple hours on his days out but evenings and eating dinner alone at the weekend feels quite upsetting to me but maybe I just need to get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t mind him being out during the day but I always feel like the cold dark evenings are when families should be together. Maybe I am just a soppy fool lol

It sounds like you haven't got much of a social life. I don't want this to sound mean, but as you don't have many friends and family nearby you might start to feel very lonely. Instead of resenting him for his social life, I think it's worth putting effort into building one for yourself. It won't be long before baby will go to bed at a set time and sleep will be more reliable which will mean you can go out more.

I think it's unreasonable for you to expext him to be stuck at home all the time. A couple of times a month is by no means an excessive social life.

Please work on spending some time away from the baby for self care. I know it's full on now at 6 months but I promise it will get eaiser. Start off small - just an hour here and there. Ever for a quick walk around the block to shower your head. It's also not good for YOU to be stuck home with baby all the time.

I used to feel this way when I first met my DP I already had a son and we together had no children, he would go to his local pub 5 nights a week. To begin with he was just a casual boyfriend so I didn't really bother me I'd been a single mum for years so was used to being alone. But at things got more serious and he met my son he would do this and then come back and stay at my house afterwards, this is where I drew the line. I said that my house wasn't a hotel and I would allow this, if he wanted to do that he was to go back to his mum afterwards. He cut down to 3 times a week, when we found out we were expecting our first baby again I had a conversation with him that not only was I feeling lonely but the cost implications with a baby on the way were ridiculous, so again he cut it down to just the weekend. Then covid hit and he stopped and I was so relieved 😂 which sounds bitchy I know, When things went back to normal he started going once a week which was fine for a while then he started golf. So he'd go out from 7am to midnight every Saturday only home for an hour for a quick change and a shower, pisstaker. 😤 again we spoke and I said look not only is this a joke it's costing like £80 a week. I do nothing and go nowhere because we can't afford for me too and it's not fair. The other issue I have is when he'd come home from work on a Friday when I expected he'd be coming home and chilling and drop it on me last minute he was off out, and then that's it im alone unexpectedly. I
found this really hard.

so now he goes out maybe once or twice a month and as long as he tells me the day before it's not a problem. Maybe I sound like an arse but we now have 3 children it works for us, everyone's happy.

he also says to me that before he met me he was heading down the path of becoming an alcoholic and throwing his life away, now he's a hardworking dad of 3 and he is happy and now I go out once a month with my friends too so I'm happier, the whole dynamic is a lot more healthy