Please help me

[Itsmeitscathyivecomehome]

I have a 2.5yo and a 8 day old.
I am destroyed already.
please tell me how to do this?
baby wants to be held all the time and eat every two hours.
toddler is sick, also wants to be held all the time and tantrums are so frequent.
my house looks like a bomb has hit.
my toddler is rejecting me.
my body is so sore.
I’m formula feeding which has broken my heart.

I just can’t balance everyone’s needs. My toddler still needs rocked to sleep for her nap, but then baby is left to cry.
baby needs to be held and fed, toddler is left to cry. I just feel like everyone is miserable.

it’s breaking me already 💔 and my husband goes back to work in one week.

I got so depressed after my first baby and I can feel it creeping up on me again. I’m terrified,

Hi OP those early days and weeks are rough.

If your OH is off work, he should be doing absolutely everything else at home that's not "baby". Including taking care of the older sibling and the house.

Take care of you and the baby for now!

Take care of yourself and the baby. It is difficult for all to adjust to a new family member. Have some time with toddler when baby sleeps a couple of times per day but otherwise ask husband to attend to toddler. Toddlers often love helping.
Organise for a daycare or grandparent to have toddler twice a week for a few months.
Prioritise house hold chores and have husband do the main ones as best as can be completed per day. ie food shop, cook, clean kitchen, wash clothes, dry clothes.
Visit with your maternal nurse once per week until you feel like you are coping. Have your mother or a friend to call on for company when you are feeling especially low.
Sometimes going outside for a walk in the fresh air is just what a baby, toddler and you need.

Thank you for your suggestions.

My husband is doing SO much all cooking and cleaning etc but it’s just never ending. Toddler is such hard work though constantly trashing house and like a caged animal at home.

I wouldn’t even have the confidence to take them both for a walk alone. My toddler runs off and is so wilful and demanding. She’s such a handful.

Your husband could tidy the house and then take you toddler out to the park? That will leave you with a tidy house and hopefully feeling a little less overwhelmed to spend some time with baby.
Its so hard but it will get easier. My two are almost 6 and 19 months now and whilst sometimes it feels out of control, it mostly is OK. My 6 year old was 4 when her brother was born and so she had more understanding but she us very clingy to me and found it difficult at first in having to share.

OP, I am so sorry. It is utterly shit at this stage. You've hit the hormonal low that is dismissively called the baby blues - a week after the birth. This is a new life for everyone. You are sleep deprived, have no routine yet.

First - of course your house is a bomb. Is there anyone who can help to tidy and clean it - a friend, family member, hired help? Just in the short term while you and your partner are exhausted.

Can your DP take the toddler out at weekends for some one-on-one time? Can you give him some treats and toys that are 'only for big toddler boys and not for babies'. Focus on what baby can't have but you and he can have: you and he can have lovely biscuits (or fish fingers - whatever. You and he can do jigsaws/drawings etc - just to reassure him that you haven't forgotten him and that he has a special irreplaceable role in your life and the family.

Please don't beat yourself up about formula milk. As my lovely sister said when I felt so guilty about FF: it wouldn't exist if millions of babies didn't thrive on it. And she's right. The advantage is that someone else can do the feed.

You will get through this. Tip of a house, formula feed, brink of tears, clingy baby, monster toddler - all these are temporary. they will pass. Hang in there - all fed, none dead is the mission. Soon you will settle into a routine.

Oh I wish I could give you some practical help, which is what you need the most, but I think you need to know that this is all so normal, and it will pass. I used to hate these things being said, but it’s so true! Your toddler is suffering a lot just now, world turned upside down and she’s showing you in how she behaves. It’s hard for her but this is the time in any siblings life when they start to learn about sharing mum and it can make them so sad, angry, confused. Agree the best thing is for DH to tidy up then take toddler out, and leave you cuddling on the sofa for a couple of hrs, take a nap.

We were all terrified the first time we took them both out alone, did bedtime alone, the fear is real. But I promise you will learn how to do it. I think a lot for me was organisational skills actually (not my strength) as you already know a bit about looking after babies and toddlers.

With toddler, if possible buy some new special toys, fuss over her, acknowledge verbally that it’s so hard having to share mummy but daddy can give good cuddles too…etc.

Didn't want to read and run OP. I feel you. I have a 3 year old and a 12 day old. Also still recovering from a c section and constantly BF the youngest which takes me away from my eldest.
We're still figuring things out and muddling through - it's not easy but I know it'll get easier.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone ❤️

We've literally just been through this same age baby is 4 months old and life is so much better you will get through this take one day at a time .I can now take them both out no problem getting in a routine and you will get there to !

Baby is 10m here, and DD just three. It gets so much easier! It’s actually enjoyable this time around. Baby is napping on me at the moment while DD is having a rest with her dad and watching TV after lots of excitement at the park.

Practical things. Does your eldest go to nursery at all? Are there any beloved family members/family friends who can spend time with your DD? Do you have a double buggy? Don’t worry at all about baby’s routine, just stick to the toddler’s routine. Try to wear a sling when baby is big enough, and don’t worry about how much TV the toddler watches for now! You’ll be back on top of it all before you know it, and it’ll be worth it I promise.

I have a 4mo and 2.8 yo, I promise it gets easier.... just hang in there.. even in a couple of weeks it will feel easier.

Thank you so much for your messages they have given me some hope.
I had totally forgotten how relentless the newborn phase is. I’m so heartbroken to not be able to give my eldest the same attention too.

My toddler doesn’t go to preschool yet. I can organise a couple of times a week for her to go with family hopefully.

i think I’m so anxious about when DP goes back to work and I have to do everything for 9 hours a day alone. I just can’t imagine. We’re struggling to do it all between the two of us at the moment.

Little one is so unsettled too 😭 won’t be out down 💔

Thanks for your words. I guess I just have to try and survive x

Hi OP, just wanted to say I’m in the same boat - 3 yo and 9 week old. The first weeks felt absolutely horrendous.
The sleep deprivation, constant juggling and feeling like I wasn’t being a good Mum to either child. Some days are still so so hard but it’s getting easier each week. I second a sling, baby sleeps in there whilst I cook tea, do jigsaws with eldest etc when DP is at work.

I have only been out with the two of them alone TWICE because I can’t imagine a screaming baby and tantruming toddler on my own but I remain positive it won’t always feel this way.

When they’re both crying I just have to prioritise who needs me most in that moment, it’s all you can do.

I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job, be kind to yourself 💐

It’s hard. I feel ya! My advice would be get a sling for the newborn. Hands free to deal with your toddler but baby will still have that cuddle they need. Hang in there. Lack of sleep and generally feeling like you have been hit by a bus from the birth will be making everything else seem much worse. You will get there. Sending hugs ❤️

Can your DH take her out and tire her with some fresh air/park/soft play?

Do you allow her some screen time? Get her a few new toys or stickers to play with while baby feeds

Do you have a sling? Id have the newborn in that and try and do a bit with your toddler. Just a walk etc / bit of play. It's hard work!! There is no easy way to say it.

You say you're broken hearted because of FF. You can still BF if you want, not too late if you can put baby to breast/skin to skin and/or pump to get supply. Lots of info on KellyMon or La Leche website about this.

OP, you summed it up perfectly. The word here is relentless! It's so tough. Today I broke down to my husband and MIL and they really stepped up and had baby for me in between feeds whilst I slept. I feel so much better for it. Is there anybody that can do that for you?

Sorry but on a side note - for those recommending a sling, I bought one to use for my newborn so I can be hands free and do more for my 3 yo. It says minimum weight for baby has to be 8lbs. How set in stone is this? Baby was weighed at 7lbs 2oz yesterday. Would it be a massive risk if I started using it now? He's getting weighed again next Friday so I could always wait until he's closer to 8lbs.

I can't wait to use it and like OP, want to feel less mum guilt for not being able to do as much with my eldest!

Get a playpen. Life saver for me when I was on my own. Put baby in to keep him safe when I was dealing with toddler. Put toddler in when I needed him contained when feeding or changing baby. It was a big octagon one and helped massively.

I increased DC1 nursery hours at this point. If your DD is 'such a handful' it really wouldn't be fair to hand her over to family.
This saved me until DC2 reached four months then I went back to work, the equivalent of my salary funding childcare for two for two years.
Twenty years on I have never regretted outsourcing the shittiest bit to paid care.

Oh don't worry it'll get so much easier, your homones are still out of whack at 8 weeks PP I have the same age gap and a 7 year old too. I remember when I first had my now almost 5 month old baby. My 2 year old autistic daughter seemed to hate me. She wouldn't come near me, then one day she shouted mummy and threw herself at me. It took weeks for her to come around. Things haven't always been plain sailing but I find it helps to plan your next move, take a minute to look around what needs done and in what order?

baby needs fed
change both nappies
toddler needs lunch
(Remember to feed yourself) it's easy to forget about yourself in the thick of it in this stage

once everyone's needs are met try and set them up for half hour, maybe some tv or get some toys out to give yourself small breaks through out the day just long enough to have a cup of tea even. You've got to make time for yourself or you'll go mad. It's okay to put them down

just know your doing great, and it's really not easy. Sometimes I dread waking up. I'm home alone all day with the two little ones once my oldest is off to school. There's washing and cleaning, caring for them. Trying to play with them enough so they develop and work on my autistic daughters speech as she's mostly non verbal at almost 3. It's a lot. Luckily my sister takes my son to school as I don't drive and if I had to do the school run too I'd be done for 😂

I usually have a list on my phone of things I need to do during the day and I include basic needs of my children, because even though duh. It gives you a little boost to tick them off. Changed a nappy, tick! Maybe I'm just weird 😂 you've got to entertain yourself somehow. I also sometime set an alarm on my Alexa and try to clean something against the clock. Half hour for upstairs for example. You do it quick because you want to beat the clock. And you don't have time to think about how much you hate what your doing.

again maybe I'm weird 😂

Thank you so much for this reply. Now 2 weeks in. I took them both for a walk today alone so that feels like a massive win.

thank you for reminding me this will all pass. You forget how difficult it is with no routine in the early days.

Im still so tearful and hormonal but I will have bookmarked your reply to look at when I’m having a wobble.

thann you x

OP, I was you about 4 months ago. It gets easier. Not really sure how but things settle down and you work out how to juggle things. House is still a mess and quite often feel a bit of guilt that I'm ignoring one or the other BUT it's got so much easier. Hang in there and ask for/take any help.