Reception woes and behaviour

[Ozzyskye]

My little boy is 5 in June and started reception last September. He's an only child and has come from a small nursery of about 12 kids to reception with 60 in the year (2 classes if 30). Initially he was doing quite well but things seem to have gone wrong over the past few months.

• listening and acting out has been an issue, he will refuse to listen/mess around and need removing from class at times

• he will have emotional "meltdowns" and will cry or go to hit out if for example someone walks past him and knocks him - he's very good at apologising if he does it but with someone else he doesn't accept it's not on purpose.

• there's another little boy who he has an intense love hate relationship - they're best buddies but wind eachother up until it's too much or they egg eachother on with messing around and disrupting the class.

• he does have other friends which I've encouraged but seems to latch on to a child very strongly and becomes very possessive. He's got a friend he has done this with and the friend is feeling very overwhelmed that my D's doesn't allow them to play with other children and it's not fair for them.

At home, Ds is entirely different. He's an only child so obviously gets a lot of one on one but he can play happily by himself too. We don't see meltdowns beyond usual 4 year old fast resolving frustrations. Dh and I have a great relationship and ds has a strong secure attachment to us both. We have boundaries in place but do pick battles and don't give in to every whim, and talk about emotions and feelings. Ds is very good academically but emotional intelligence has always been a bit slower to catch up. There are no additional needs.

Some of the above I think is normal behaviour given age. School have been good with communication and have started a book of how the days gone so that he and I can discuss (I emphasise he's not in trouble it's just so we can see where things have been difficult for him and try to help him with this) and they've started encouraging him to go and have some calm down time if he's getting upset or messing around. He always has a "reason" for behaviour, which of course i take with a heavy pinch of salt, but discuss other things that he could do to make better choices.

I don't know what else i can do and I suppose I wanted some reassurance from parents whose children have been similar! Part of me thinks it's a waiting game for his emotional maturity to develop but I don't want him to be seen as the naughty child or for children not to want to be his friend in the mean time. He's a lovely boy, clever, funny, confident and a little bit cheeky and it's painful to hear that the whole world don't necessarily get to see that.

Hopeful bump?

It is very hard when they struggle like this. It sounds to me like both you and school are doing lots of good things to help him.
What is happening when he ‘hits out’ or ‘doesn’t let’ his friend play with others?
I would also be careful about how much time you spend discussing his day at school. The communication book is fine but should only really be shared with him for serious incidents. It should also have lots of positive things in it.
If a small child is finding school hard the last thing they want is to spend their time at home rehashing the day at school. Home should be a safe space where life is easier.
Keep your boundaries and expectations consistent. Keep working on social skills and building multiple friendships. I would hope that he will grow out of most of it if it’s handled well.

Thanks @Smartiepants79 there are positives in the book too and I make sure to end with one if they're not in that order if that makes sense. We also don't spend a huge amount of time on it, just 5 mins and I always highlight he's not in trouble. If I don't mention it hell just say he had a good day or denies having been silly.

I think at school they try to redirect or he has some time to cool down in another room.

With the meltdowns I think he literally hasn't yet got the ability to regulate once he's up there so hopefully taking the time will help him in the interim.

We have been walking to school with the friend he's been possessive with but we're gonna take a break from that after half term because it's not fair for them to feel upset, I'm not going to address this yet though, will do nearer the time.

Ds does seem popular despite this - other kids are alway shouting hi to him when were walking and are pleased to see him.

I've also spoken to him about how people are allowed to decide they want to do something else and that we can only control our own behaviour, not others (in relationship to the friend he can be influence by/influence to be silly)

I would say there’s a chance he’s neurodivergent OP and something about school is overwhelming for him and making him lash out/not listen. It’s not uncommon for children to start showing signs like this when they start school with lots more children and different demands than a smaller nursery setting.

How does the double class work? One of the primaries near us does something similar and I’ve known a number of children struggle with it and find that many children just too much. Depends on the set-up really. Is there somewhere he can go for calm time within the classroom or does he have to leave? In ours they put it in a quiet snug area with cuddly toys which is like a little den so there is always somewhere the children can go to calm down.

Quite a few of the boys in my daughter’s class really struggled with reception and year 1. Some additional needs at play but I just don’t think a lot of them were ready. They are still so little and there is a lot of expectation.

@Summersummersun I know why you've said that as when I spoke to the teacher I said that if I didn't know him, I'd think there was neurodiversity or behavioural disorders at play, however I/my husband/everyone else that knows Ds just don't see any signs. The teacher also said she wasn't suggesting this but of course I wouldn't rule out any support or assessments if that changes.

@bunnycat they're split in the morning and can play in either in the afternoon, D's does have friends in both classes though more children he plays with as opposed to not wanted those children out of his sight like with some.

Oh and there is a third smaller classroom where they go for group work, otherwise he goes into the cloakroom to calm down

I would talk to him about the friend who is feeling overwhelmed. That really does need dealing with, and that must come from you.

I would ask for meeting with teacher. Suggest matching with other friends to assist in solving the above issue. And ask for teacher guidance and support in resolving all the issues. They are all solvable, minor now, and hopefully can be nipped in the bud.

So we had a really good couple of weeks where Ds was telling the teachers when he was upset and was doing really well with listening. We had lots of positive bits in the book and we raised these lots, told him how proud we are, spoken generally about good choices and tried not to focus too much on the school day. Obviously there were some episodes of messing around but I'd expect that at his age.

then this week it's all gone wrong again - he's lashed out at several children and has hit them, he's been uninvited from a party because he hurt a child and called them names, and we had one really out of character tantrum at home. Nothing has changed, he's a had a bit of a cold but that's it.

I think it's harder having had a good spell.

School have said they don't think it's anything neuro divergent, they've said how forward he is with his maths and reading and that a lot of the behaviour is normal for his age, he's not the only in the class like it and he basically needs to emotionally mature. When they ask why he's lashed out he says it's because x y or z child has annoyed him.

I know I can't expedite the maturity but Im so sad about it, for the other kids of course, but also for him and I don't know what else I can do to help him. We have a simple gem in a jar reward system at home that we've introduced with good effects here - he lost a couple of gems for throwing things when he was in a mood as mentioned above but has gained them back and understood why. We talk about our feelings generally, if he's upset we talk it out and try mindful bits to calm down, with good effect. He sleeps well, he eats well, he's fine in smaller groups. He's enjoyable to be around and we have fun. We've started doing physical activities at the weekend which he likes.

Any wise words?

Sad bump

OP I don’t have any wise words I’m afraid but just some solidarity really. My DD is doing the exact opposite! She’s also in reception & behaves perfectly at school but we are having a lot of behavioural issues at home- big meltdowns, lashing out & throwing things. It’s so tough. We have met with the school & I’ve also arranged to speak with the GP as I do wonder if she could be neurodiverse. My friend has also given me the name of a private child & family psychologist but it isn’t cheap! I think all of these avenues take a while to get results from based on what people have said on here. It sounds as though you have been dealing with it really well so I really feel for you.

Also just to say we reached breaking point after a similar period of things being really good & then going downhill again. The school said regressions like this are very common. Let’s hope it improves for us both! DD is also an only.

Hi OP.
it’s hard and I hope you are not feeling too overwhelmed by jt all. I really don’t think it’s that unusual and really not always a sign of anything. The environment is overwhelming for a lot of children.
some kids manage to contain themselves well.. my son did, but would melt down 30secs after leaving.

I wonder what tools the school are gibibg him.
i remember my son had ‘regulation stations’ in the class and the playground. They were encouraged to recognise if they were in ‘amber’ or whatever it is was and they’d help them find ways to then get themselves back down to Green. They did yoga and meditation etc.
a book is good for communicating with you but I’m wondering how much they are helping him..

I just read your post and and I would say be prepared your child might be neurodiverse, this is not a bad thing! I work with children of this age and the school would not be able to say that as they cannot diagnose. I would want to know what the school are doing to support him in class and pre empt situations where he is overwhelmed or struggling. They should be pro active in managing the environment so he is not lashing out.

Thanks for the posts, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and had a bit of a cry and feel a bit more even.

I absolutely don't have any qualms about neurodiversity if that's the case, and I would 100% seek support and help in any way I can. Bit of a drip feed but I've got a background in working with send and some in early assessments, and though I acknowledge I can't be objective with my own child, he doesn't hit any threshold for referral based on what I see or what the school have reported. I have said I'm happy to have ed psych in if needed but they don't feel it's necessary.

School have given him the option to go for some time to calm down in another room when he tells them he's feeling angry or frustrated or generally up, and they're introducing some sensory circuits for a group of the more active boys for afternoons. They're giving lots of praise for when he recognises he needs support and obviously they're communicating with me and dh. I've got parents evening soon so will revisit.

We had a lovely snuggle before bed and listened to a kids meditation together till he fell asleep . I know this will pass one way or another, it's just hard right now.

Sympathy OP. I think some kids just aren’t ready to start school at only just 4. Just anecdotally it can be harder for boys too when they are younger. My DC is a May birthday and seemed so much less emotionally mature than the autumn born kids when they started.

His behaviour has been fine at school but we do get a lot of naughty behaviour at home when he is tired - he will wind up his little sister deliberately, doesn’t do things when asked and if told off for that has been known to lash out. Obviously we have boundaries in place but I think it is normal when they are still so young and probably exhausted. I’m sure it’s a phase and hope it passes quickly.

School should be observing for triggers and preempting these moments of lashing out. Children don't go from 0-100 in a moment, there will be something which has made them tick, and a moment where an adult could have diffused the situation before a lash out.
I teach children of the same age and have had behaviour plans put in place for children which have been highly successful. For this to be successful we knew the child's verbal and non-verbal signs that they were going to blow or where boundaries would be pushed.
We had a plan in place for every one of their triggers, I.E we knew they occasionally became overstimulated in a noisy classroom so he had a quiet tent outside of the classroom. Therefore we stopped the incident by noticing when it became too much.
Within 6 weeks they were a different child and I had staff members who did not recognise the child because of the difference.
This was not a troublesome child but one who struggled to communicate their emotions in an appropriate manner, he was actually an incredibly sweet and loving child.

I suggest a meeting with school's senco. A plan of some sort should be put in place. Your DC may not be neurodivergent but school should be putting more things in place than a communication book. I would expect school to be doing more.

I agree with the last post. A space to calm down pat being worked up is far from ideal. Young children need support in building their emotional literacy and tolerance. I spent 15mins in my sons classroom the other day and I could see why he feels overwhelmed after. It’s how I feel after being on the central line in London on rush hour day after day.

im glad you had a good snuggle and I hope this all eases.

Hi OP, I know where you're coming from with not suspecting neurodiversity because of any other signs, but it's great you're open to it.

I've been round in circles with my own DS and I still don't really know, and he's 7, so it's hard.

What I would say is if your DS' behaviour doesn't improve consistently by a set time - I would say the end of the school year, or maybe part way through Y1? - insist that school refer him for assessment. Schools quite often aren't very well informed about ND, and so unless a child has the stereotypical signs, they don't "believe" it. Especially if your DC is clever and doing well on the academic side. My own DS' only notable sign of ND really has been his behaviour in school. We've never had lashing out nor hitting, but he has not been able to conform the way other children do, sitting still quietly, doing what he's asked first time, that sort of thing.

Either way you don't need a diagnosis for school to help the situation (my DS doesn't have a diagnosis but I'm pretty sure he's ND). In terms of now, I'd recommend meeting with your son's teacher and the SENCO as soon as possible, together. Fight his corner and be clear that you know there is a reason for his behaviour - all behaviour is communication, your DS isn't lashing out like this to be spiteful, he's clearly overwhelmed by something/trying to communicate something. Ask them to look out for triggers, what works well, what makes things worse. Ask what adjustments they can make. Document all of this so if things do work well, and there is a cover teacher or a change in your DS routine, they can refer back to positive strategies to use.

Be prepared for a fight, it's taken me until halfway through DS being in year 2 and happening to have an understanding, flexible teacher together with a new SENCO who is more on the ball than the last one, as well as me being belligerent! But my DS has just had a fantastic term since Christmas, because his teacher is doing little things like regular movement breaks, letting him fiddle while she's talking (because she's learned he is listening, he's not being rude), pairing him up more carefully or with a close friend. This is all stuff that school have agreed isn't "additional" so there's clearly plenty of flexibility around the way children can be dealt with. I still don't know if the teachers take me 100% seriously because they often point out DS knows right from wrong as he will apologise for answering back or for messing around. They don't seem to grasp that a ND child could misbehave even though they know it's wrong!

Good luck OP. It's really hard. You're doing the right thing with having lovely close time with DS at home. My own DS and I are very close and I think a child feeling secure that we love them no matter what does really help.

Thanks @Summersummersun sorry I didn't see your reply earlier! I'm just about to go in for a chat with teacher so wish me luck! We've had great days just us and one day at school where he got a jewel for not lashing out but it's an ongoing process! I'm hoping we can have a really lovely Easter together (dh is a teacher so off and I'm off for a week, we've got a few things planned Ds will probably be) and re-enforce all the really lovely things about him so he's not just getting negative messages all the time.

Really enjoy not probably be, what a strange auto correct

Good luck OP! You're doing a great job being on the case for your DS. Enjoy the Easter holidays too.

Wondering how things are going now?

Hello! It's been a bit up and down but we seem to have hopefully turned a corner!

He had a really good first week or two of year 1 then started getting a bit overwhelmed (noisy transition times seem to be a trigger). We had someone come and observe and make some suggestions of strategies teachers could use to support. We also got some ear defenders so he has something he can use of the noise is too much.

This week they've been breaking the day down in to 9 times to coincide with lessons and breaks and he gets a sticker for each one where he's been able to sit still and concentrate and engage well/behave. He's got 8+ stickers every day and is ever so proud of himself 😁

His teacher has also said he calms down quicker when he has a big feeling and says sorry without prompting. We still have some maturing to do and I'm aware there might be set backs but it feels like positive progress ☺️