Am I being precious or is she being too much?

[Aldisfinest]

Hi.
Backstory, I'm due to give birth to my second child in a matter of weeks. This will be my first child with my partner, he also has a child from a previous relationship. So before becoming pregnant, I wouldn't say I was particularly close with my partners family but we got on really well and I would see them at least a couple of times a month. No problems there. We were together for a year before becoming pregnant.

So since becoming pregnant, my mental health has took a horrible nosedive and has become debilitating. I've dealt with a few health issues on this pregnancy which has made it all a bit harder for me, I did deal with it in my last pregnancy and it got better after I had my baby. Because of this, since I was 3 months pregnant. I've been very antisocial and I haven't spent any time with my partners family at all. I do feel guilty about this but I just haven't got the energy. I drop my child to school in the morning then come back and sleep all day until I have to get her. During the weekends, I have help with my other child from family. I would say Im finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now that the pregnancy is nearly over so things are slowly improving. My partner tries to understand and be empathetic but he just doesn't really get it tbh.

Due to this, my partners mum has took it terribly personally and decided that because I haven't seen her, I don't like her and that means she will not see the baby when she's born. I've explained to her and my partner multiple times that there's no issues and I do like his mum. I'm just struggling but once I have the baby, it will improve and I will make sure her and her granddaughter have a nice relationship. We've been maintaining a relationship through text and phone calls at the moment and have been in regular contact.

So a couple of days ago, my partner told me that his mum ( and his auntie, who are very close) intend to come to visit AT LEAST three times a week when the baby is born. At first I didn't really say much, but I've been thinking since then and I'm worrying this will all be a bit much. For the first week, I really did just want my other child, me and my partner to have some bonding time with the baby. But my partner thinks I'm being precious as it's his mums grandchild, she should be able to see her when she wants. I know how difficult it can be with a new baby and I don't really want to be entertaining visitors at least three times a week. On top of other family members that will visit later on.

I received a message from the mum yesterday saying that she's ordered a Moses basket for her house and she can't wait to be looking after the baby and how she can't wait to meet her. I've said to my partner, that he needs to make it clear to his mother that I probably won't feel comfortable leaving the baby there for the first few months alone, he said he gets that and he will talk to her. I just replied that, yes I was excited to meet her too.

I can all see it becoming a bit too much, I'm so glad she wants to have a close relationship with her grandchild but it's all a bit overbearing. I want to set boundaries but I don't want to upset her. I do believe she's coming from a a good place. What do I do ?

Oh, yikes.

First of all I’d ignore her attitude to your MH - she obviously doesn’t get it, and probably won’t. If you’re confident you’ll move on after the birth, just let it go. Worrying that your partner doesn’t get it: are you talking to your midwife about MH support? Make sure your partner is aware you’re a prime candidate for PND.

With the Moses basket: doesn’t mean you have to leave the baby with her. Just treat it as a useful thing when you visit with the baby - somewhere to put them down if they’re the sort to be put down. Just because MIL intends to look after the baby, doesn’t mean you have to let that happen.

Put your foot down re the visits. Three a week would be far too much for me. Especially in those early days where everything hurts and leaks and nobody’s sleeping. The good thing is you can use that to escape people – just hole up in the bedroom sleeping with the baby. Be as rude as you like if people come round uninvited.

@bussteward thanks your for reply. Yes my midwife is very aware about my mental health struggles, I've been offered support and i'm currently doing some CBT which I think is helping.

When it comes down to the visits, I know I will upset her if I try to put my foot down, which I really don't want to do. But it may have to be done tbh. My partner doesn't seem to understand that it may be too much and thinks I will appreciate having his mum around. Which I definitely will at times, but not three times a week.

Could these proposed visits be to help with washing, cleaning and cooking, leaving you to rest with your new baby?
If not, perhaps you DP could essentially plant that seed in her brain, it might discourage her if that isn't her intention?

it's his mums grandchild, she should be able to see her when she wants

that is the biggest issue, no, she does not get to see her grandchild when she wants, she gets invited round.

I think your partner needs to read up on parenting and understanding that for most of us we are not comfortable leaving the baby with anyone, even partners/husbands at times. It may not be rational but it is how we feel. It is almost primal. His Mum doesn't get to dictate how many times a week she will visit. You invite her when you feel up to it.

As you can text her I would set this up now, tell her you understand she is excited but you cannot commit to 3 days and will need to decide on the day if you feel up to visitors as you have no idea how you will feel. Ignore the Moses basket bit for now, just use it if you visit her, it doesn't mean you have to leave your baby there.

Thank you both for replying. I don't think she's intending to come to help out necessarily, I think more so to spend time with the baby. I think sending her a text could be an option, I do know that this will probably upset her a lot though. I have no problem with her coming round on regular basis. Three times a week just seems too much and too final. There could be some weeks where we see her once and then other weeks we could see her four times! That's okay with me but I want to be able to have a say in that. My partner thinks I'm being too precious about the baby and only think that she's my baby. I don't.

Oh my lord

her relation to YOUR baby does not give her any entitlement to your child. She is massively overstepping the mark here OP and I say this as someone who speaks from experience, please please please do not let her overstep your boundaries. Do not bend them even once to please anybody else. Stick to what makes YOU most comfortable.

I am full of resentment towards my in laws for how they were. don’t end up like that.

your partner needs to back you up.

I think that since you arent seeing her in person at the moment, its a good time to set some boundaries ! Maybe send her a text, be kind and welcoming, but be firm that you do not want her turning up unannounced and you will invite her over. You also have no plans to leave the baby at her house until she is much older and although these things might change, you hope she will respect your position as the babies mother.

Also be careful about what you know because she told you or texted you herself and what you are hearing second hand from your partner. Sometimes things get mixed up in translation, maybe ask her if what your partner said was accurate or did he get the wrong end of the stick

My mil was like this. She wanted to come round every bloody day. I wanted to get established in my own routine with DTs and she was basically a hindrance. In the end I said ok one day a week, come for the day, I was able to go to the gym and get some shit done in the house. She used to come around 10-4.

Put some firm boundaries in place, now.

Just assume she's there to help. When MIL arrives, you shove baby at her and use it to have a nap or take a shower. Or you say " so glad your here to help, can you pop the washing on the line/run the hoover round?". She'll either step up or step back.

What was she like with your DPs first child? Was she already all the time then, so is wanting a repeat performance, or was it that she didn't get to spend much time with the first grandchild from her son so wants to spend more time with this one?

Would it help if she felt reassured your family won't be seeing the baby any more than she will? So your DP making it clear its a blanket rule and only the two of you and the two older DC will be around most of the time, with visits from all family when convenient.

I have to admit in my first few weeks/months of motherhood I was thrilled about anyone coming and holding the baby for a bit so I could have a break/sleep. Do you think MIL could be quite helpful?

Yes, she was like this with his first child. To be fair, in my opinion she does overstep the boundaries fairly regularly with DP and his child. There have been instances of her DP getting into arguments because she doesn't agree with his parenting method. One time DP's child was at our house, had a lovely day took both the kids swimming. It got to about 10pm and DP said to both children that it was time for bed. Fine with me. His daughter (9 years old) then had a huge tantrum. Cried and screamed that she wasn't going to bed as she goes to bed later at home. In the end DP called her mum, who sided with DP and told her to go to bed. Amongst all this, DP's daughter managed to get her phone and call DP's mum. She called DP and got into an argument with him for upsetting her grandchild and said why did she have to go to bed. DP's daughter stayed for two more days after this and I honestly felt like I was walking on eggshells. After this, if DP said anything to upset her or try force some boundaries. She would call his mum and essentially get him told off. I never got involved with any of this but I did say to him, he's the father so needs to tell his mum to but out. He never wanted to argue with his mum so just allowed her to do this. So I can see her trying to become over bearing with the baby.

Anyways I've sent her a kind text explaining that she will definitely be able to see baby regularly but I'm not committing to anything yet as there will be days when we just want to be together as a family. No pressure kind of thing. She's read it and not replied..this was an hour ago. Hope she's not too upset !

Honestly as harsh as it may sound it doesn’t matter if she is upset. We didn’t take baby to visit anyone until he was around 2 weeks old and then he started classes at 3 weeks old. I made it clear that I wouldn’t cope well with surprise visits. We visit grandparents around every two weeks, sometimes more often, sometimes less depending on what we’re doing. I was told that they weren’t happy about not seeing baby for the first couple of weeks (they met their other grandchildren at the hospital) but it’s not what I wanted so it wasn’t/isn’t what happened. It matters far more what you want and what you are comfortable with as this is your baby, not hers. As long as you are not stopping them from ever seeing the baby or letting your family see them all the time but not them then she will just have to accept us at the way it is going to be whether she likes it or not.

Thanks for replying @StopGrowingPlease
No it's exactly the same with my family, I've agreed that DP's mum can visit at the hospital as my mum will be there at the birth. No problem with this. My mum will visit around once a week, I haven't even spoke to her about this but I know she gets it and will be able to take a step back. As she did with my other child. I plan to tell all my other relatives that they can visit after the first two weeks, which I know no one will have a problem with. Except her. Another issue is on most of these visits she will be with her sister. They are extremely close. So Instead of being able to rest, it will be like I have to entertain guests while being tired and leaky.

That's rough, I'd ignore the chat about visits and staying at theirs. When babies here invite them round at times convenient/comfortable for you and make it clear to ur dh he needs to manage it. If they ask to come and you don't want visitors say no sorry not today but how about.....

The problem is your partner. Why have a baby with a man who can't even parent the child he already has? Phoning his ex because his daughter has a tantrum over going to bed is pathetic. And even worse he then allows his mum to dictate how he parents. He should have just told her it is none of her business, she's not to get involved and then told his daughter the same about trying to involve her grandmother.

You will need to set really firm boundaries with both your dp and his mother. I think you will also need to make peace with the idea of this woman not liking you. Good luck.