Missing work on mat leave? / Identity shift?

[Janedoelondon]

Hi mumsnetters

Sorry for the multiple posts today.

I absolutely adore my little boy (5 months) and love spending time with him, so please don't read this as anything otherwise.

However I am now 5 months into mat leave (7 months remaining) and am really missing work. I miss the mental stimulation work provides me with, as well as my old 'identity' at work. Before baby, work/career were always very important to me and were a key part of who I was/am.

I have a very active time with my little boy - we go out for walks, coffee, play dates, reading together etc. I love spending time with my little boy but I feel like part of me is missing, like I am just 'mum' not the pre-mum me.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Whenever I ask friends about this they look at me as if I am barking mad (some aren't going back to work).

I want to take the full year to enjoy time with my little boy and will return to work on slightly reduced hours as I would still like a day a week with my little boy in addition to the weekend.

At the same time, I feel such 'mum guilt' for feeling this way and worry when I do go back to work my little boy won't remember me/our bond will be impacted. So struggling with both sides of this.

Anyone else? Tried talking to friends about this but no one seems to relate

You are not alone! I loved being back at work when I returned. I work in a specialised sort of role where I get to use both physical and mental skills and it was lovely to flex and hone those skills again and get that part of me back.

And equally I love getting home to my beautiful little baby at the end of the day. I returned part time and I love the balance between both.

Yep. Gave up fighting it at 7 months and went back to work. Instantly happier. Sure it's hard work, but I felt like 'me' again.

Thank you - if you don't mind me asking, how many hours did you reduce down to, to get this balance?

I completely get this and really enjoyed being back at work after mat leave. That's not to say I didn't enjoy my time off with my daughter, it just made me realise I enjoy working. I went back full time compressed into 4 days. Its full on but it enables us to continue our lifestyle which my daughter definitely loves.
I'm on mat leave awaiting the arrival of my second now, I felt more sad leaving work this time as I enjoy it, but at the same time also know that I will enjoy going back again!

You're not alone , go back early if you think you need to. Ignore everyone else

I felt like this and so did several of my friends. Consider going back earlier than planned, or doing some KIT days if you'd like.

I went back to work when my first was 11 months, but was ready when he was 6 months old. And then with my second, I went back to work when she was 3 months old. I still breast fed both until 13 and 11 months respectively. Babies were just not my thing. I did so much better from toddlers on....and I even like teenagers. I worked 3/4 time when I went back and that was good until my kids were in elementary school and my ds was so sick (rare genetic disease) that I had to reduce hours to 1/2 time and then 1/4 time and then 5 hours a week because I couldn't manage both caretaking and work.

A happy mom is the best one, so if you need to return to work to be happy then do that!!!!

Yes! I've changed my return date to be earlier. I was going to take the full 12 months but I'm going back after 10 months now. I miss the mind stimulation, talking to adults and a lunch hour to myself! I'll be going back 3.5 days a week which feels like a good compromise.

With both of mine I ran back to work after 9 months off. Adore my kids but mat leave was boring, and I did all the groups and coffee mornings etc etc. Not working and being at home with babies made me stir crazy.

We did shared parental leave. I went back at 9m and DH was off until 12m. It was good for me to get back to work. I have worked 3 or 4 days since.

Both times I planned 12 months off, felt the same as you and went back after 10. I was so much happier after that and feel like a much better mother for it.

I was the same. I don't think your feelings are that unusual, and they are certainly valid. My DC are young teens now, but I used to be so envious of DH going to work every day!

The important thing is to throw away the word should and think about who you are and what will bring happiness for you and your son.

You enjoy work and you love your son. This is actually brilliant.

If I were you I would look for some kind of training/learning I could do at my own pace during the rest of mat leave. I did a course during my mat leave, pretty low key, but it gave me a thing to use my brain for.

Putting a kid in nursery and not caring is an entirely different thing emotionally for a child to putting them in nursery and their mum being attentive when they are together. Do not confuse the two.

Also remember mothers feel guilt whether they stay home, do both, or work full time. That's what society does to mothers. Truth is all three can be brilliant, or dreadful, for children - it depends on how you respond to your kids when it really matters.

my job was such an important part of my identity before I had my first DC that I found it really odd not to be working and although I missed my DD when I went back I felt ready for the mental stimulation and to have a bit of me back

It's totally normal have you set up some KIT days? You can do up to 10 I found this a great way of having a day where I felt more me!

I was the same, i knew very quickly that i could never be a SAHM, and i didn't want to spend 24/7 with my child. I couldn't wait to go back to work at 9 months, and am going back even earlier this time round with DC2.

I love going to work and being me, as none of my work mates have seen me with my child so only know me as 'me'.

I think it is important to retain some of your old self and not just become 'mum'

I felt the same. I'd planned three years off with my son and to be a full time mother until he started nursery.

I did 5 months before I applied for a 'casual' job and loved it. I felt I'd lost so much being away from work.

I then went part time and felt that was the best of both worlds for me.

Yes felt like this 3 months in and was so excited to have my return to work chat! I ended up going back at 7 months and was a lot happier, if not more exhausted, after that. I went back to 24 hours a week which I still am on a year later, I find it the perfect balance though am lucky to be able to afford it. My friends seemed to want to continue mat leave forever so I also felt like the odd one out! Why don't you find out if you can go back early at e.g. 50%/60%? Probably would earn more than mat pay anyway.

It’s totally normal OP. Like others have said, such a lot of my identity is my job and I felt lost without it. I think my PND with DD1 was partly loneliness. I work with people all day and I suddenly found myself stuck on own with only daytime TV and a grumpy baby for company. I couldn’t wait to go back. I do 30hours and love my weekday off. It’s the perfect balance.