Nearly 4 year old: tantrums, controlling behaviour, very clingy

[BelJo]

Dear all,
I'm sure this isn't a new topic but I'm nearly at my wits' end with my DD, who is nearly 4 yrs old. She cries as soon as she is told 'no', which often escalates into a full tantrum. She will then be pretty manipulative - insisting I go upstairs to get her, or carry her somewhere, and will scream when I refuse. We will then get, 'Fine, I won't put my shoes on then' or some similar 'threat' (blackmail!). Basically, I would understand this behaviour in a 2 yr old, but my concern is she's a pretty bright cookie and is displaying quite complex behaviour (as far as I can tell), to which I'm not great at responding. I try to be patient and consistent, but it's tough. I've been wondering whether to talk to a child psychologist so that I know how to react, and support my DD.
Has anyone else experienced something similar, and what did you do, please? Many thanks for replies.

will scream when I refuse. We will then get, 'Fine, I won't put my shoes on then' or some similar 'threat' (blackmail!)

So what do you do then? What is the consequence?

I have lots of sympathy as my almost 4 year old sounds exactly the same.

She was a delight until she hit 3, then turned into a nightmare. Constant tantrums, crying and whinging over nothing. It’s really hard to deal with at the minute.

Child psychologist? Seriously - read some books on normal child development.

This is completely normal for a 3yo.

This is not 'complex'.

She will then be pretty manipulative - insisting I go upstairs to get her, or carry her somewhere, and will scream when I refuse. We will then get, 'Fine, I won't put my shoes on then' or some similar 'threat' (blackmail!). This just sounds like a classic battles of wills. You've modelled saying no, she's doing it back.

Pick your battles, stop being so strict unless necessary, dial it down.

Having experienced 4 year old behaviour I don't think there is anything wrong with your own 4 year olds behaviour and certainly nothing that would necessitate seeing a child psychologist or other medical professional either.

In suggesting a child psychologist you are perhaps starting to see your child's behaviour as something that needs fixing. It does not. She is acting like a perfectly bright 4 year old. Don't worry.

I found that giving advance notice of a couple of minutes that something is going to happen helped dilute the objections e.g. we're leaving the house in a couple of minutes to go to xx so you need to put your shoes on now.

Try setting goals such as 'I bet you can't put your shoes on faster than mummy'.

I would suggest from the details you have shared here that she is testing boundaries. So you need to be firm as others have suggested already but do pick your battles.

Don't react to her screaming and yelling verbally yourself. Just act calm. If you are out in public I know that is especially hard to do but you must not rise to it.

Be consistent. You need to decide what is acceptable and what is not and communicate this consistently each time tantrums happen.

If she is starting to demand that you do things for her that she can do herself tell her you're going to go and play and you'll see her in a minute then, or something like that. Is she an only child? It's hard to not be immediately available for your child but that is what she is testing here so you need to resist doing things for her that she can do for herself otherwise she'll just escalate it.

Reading up on child development might help give you some other ways of coping and working through this. It's hard but like everything it is just a developmental phase. Hopefully this isn't blotting out the good times having a 4 year old can be for you.

Hope this is helpful.

Mine was a nightmare at 4, it was a real struggle. No naughty step as she would just throw herself off of it. No advice as nothing worked really she just grew older and learnt how to regulate her emotions more sometimes 😅

It’s pretty normal. Collaboration rather than butting heads. All they want is to feel like they have some sort of control in their life, and boundaries make them feel safe. I’d recommend Big Little Feelings on Instagram.

Thank you, everyone. The psychologist angle was more for me, to check my responses are correct/give me better ones. She's been like this since around 1 yr, and with working and having her older sibling too, I find my time/patience ratio to be squeezed...! I completely get this is boundaries, typical for a 3–4 yo, but she does seem to be more 'extreme' than other children of her age, and I'm aware my response is not often the best.
Thank you Abouttimemum for your Big Little Feelings tip - this looks like just what I need.
And, as usual, thank you to the Mumsnet community. It's a great place to come when needed some support/advice😊