What should I expect from my 11 year old?

[OddshoesOddsocks]

Dd1 is almost 12 and my eldest. I’ve always thought that I expect too much of her but from day 1 she’s been such an old head on young shoulders plus she’s ‘the guinea pig’ as I’ve never parented a child of her age before. Such is the life of an eldest child I suppose.

She has her issues and is awaiting assessment for ASD/ADHD and this is certainly affecting her executive function skills.

Her next sister down is 7, also has issues that affect executive function, is young for her age and is the complete opposite to her big sister so they are incomparable however you can’t help but compare.

I have accepted that as their mum it’s down to me to do the bulk of the donkey work, that’s fine, part of the job but what should I actually be expecting an 11/12 year old to do?

Bare minimum what I’d like her to do in her bedroom is to put her dirty washing in the basket, litter in the bin and close drawers after she’s opened them.

If she could put her clean clothes away properly and keep her desk tidy this would be a bonus.

If she could keep her bedroom tidy that would be amazing but that’s a pipe dream.

Is this too much? I’ve spoken to people IRL who’s NT children don’t do this so I feel bad expecting her to do more than what her NT peers seem to do but putting her pants in the laundry bag but it’s so basic!

What do your 11/12 year olds do? NT or ND, what should I be aiming for?

I have a ND child much younger than yours and he is expected to keep his room tidy and clear away rubbish and dirty clothing. As you said, there will be plenty of NT kids who don’t do these basic tasks because they are not expected to do it. I would start making it a strict rule that certain jobs are done. Look at it as supporting your child to become an independent teen and adult. At first you may need to nag and remind but it will become second nature.

So at 11/12 my kids sort their own washing, sort sports and activity kits ahead of the day of the activities, keep their bedrooms clean and tidy. Get themselves breakfast if they’re up early, clean out their lunchbox and thermos daily. Basic jobs for their own daily lives so they’re aware I’m not the house slave and they have responsibility for themselves.

This was the kind of thing as a ND child my parents expected from me at that age. All seems reasonable to me

I have a fairly mature 9yo. She tidies her room, puts her washing away, empties her washing basket and helps out with cooking/tidying/cleaning ad hoc. All of this requires prompting sometimes multiple times but she does tend to take a bit more pride in her room than she used to.

I expect lots get these tasks done by the parents but I expect some sort of contribution so am prepared to nag to get there.

my 7yo is expected to do the same but needs a lot more help and prompting.

The people saying their NT 11/12 year olds don't do this are the ones that will be complaining in a few years about how their teen is selfish, self absorbed, treats their house like a hotel and never lifts a finger to do anything.

I'd say work out "why" you want her to do things, as this will help you pick your battles.

I can't comment on how your daughter's executive function issues may affect what she can do, but for an NT child I'd expect

(to your points)

Putting dirty clothes in the basket - basic respect. But don't nag. Offer the natural consequence that only clothes in the basket get washed.

Keep her desk tidy - is it a communal space and the mess annoys you? Otherwise, if her desk is messy, that's her choice.

At this age my DC folded and put away their own clothes after washing (by 14 DD had progressed to leaving them in a pile on the floor, but went back to away in drawers by 16. Her clothes. Up to her.), laid and cleared away table for meals, packed their own bags for school, got themselves up and ready (and often to school with zero interaction from me when I left earlier than they did), chipped in at weekends to help with a general house clean.

I dont think any if your expectations are unrealistic for either of your kids ages in a NT child. You need to consider what the ND change.
The only bit I disagree with my 13 year old is about what constitutes a tidy bedroom. But he can find everything quickly, so I concede that it works.

Mine (11 and 13, but its been like this since we moved in 2019) load/unload the dishwaher, help peg out the washing, sort it afterwards, put their clothes away, vacuum. Recently they wash up too. Make own breakfast. None of this (except dirty clothes) is a daily thing.
I think you are not helping your kids by doing so much for them.

I'm following because I'm in the same boat.

I wouldn't stress too much about tidy rooms. Most kids don't do this, and tbh there are more useful tasks she can contribute to that would benefit the whole family.

• set and clear table
• load dishwasher and put clean dishes away
• sort her own PE kit
• washing in laundry basket
• help sort clean washing
• hoovering
• putting shopping away
• getting drinks at mealtimes (filling water jug etc)

DS is ND and the same age. He CAN put his clothes away and in the laundry basket, but I have to remind him 5000 times. He empties the dishwasher - also something I often have to ask for repeatedly, but he can and does do it. I have to remind him but he will collect plates and cups around house and load in the dishwasher too.

Theoretically, he could start helping me with cooking but he's not great in the kitchen and actually, that's time I like for myself. I feel a bit bad about that.

He doesn't help with daily cleaning but he can do windows/vacuuming/mopping as necessary. But it's a battle to get him to do it.

At this age, depending on the child, I don't think it's necessary that they do loads of chores nor do I think it's weird that any chores they are supposed to do are done halfheartedly. But I do think it's important to keep on it, keep insisting etc so that they know it is considered normal and important.

My 10yo (and 7 and 4yos but they require prompts) puts his dirty washing in the wash basket, gets his clean clothes out for next day and packs bag, puts his clean washing away, tidies his room and will happily help me with chores such as dusting, washing up etc. He is also able to get his own and his siblings breakfast if needed.

Yes sometimes I need to prompt but he knows what he needs to do and when. It helps having a routine with it, if it was just willy nilly, he would forget. He knows after tea it's time for homework, tidying, shower and getting ready for the next day.

Thanks for all the replies everyone, it’s really interesting hearing such a variety of opinions!

i completely agree with needing to set her up to be a functioning adult and that’s the ultimate aim but oh my goodness the nagging is soul destroying!!

OP this is Mumsnet - you're going to get lots of people posting that their 5 year old organises the weekly online grocery shop, cooks dinner for the family most nights (from scratch of course), and does all the ironing.

Meanwhile in the real world, most kids are lazy and getting them to do boring chores is a right slog!

I mean nobody is saying a 5 year old does the whole grocery shop. They’re saying it’s not a huge stretch for a secondary school aged child to pick up their own dirty pants and put them in the laundry basket.

Is she Yr7? My DD (DC1 and NT) went through quite a transformation in Yr7. I have no idea why or if it was just age but she finally began to be a bit more considerate and appreciative. She is now Yr8 & 18 months or so older than your DD and things she now does are

• make her own packed lunch (amazing!!) and often makes my sandwiches too
• gives me notice of school events, especially if they impact on drop off & pick up times
• thinks about the washing a bit so will say that she needs her sports kit clean for a particular day, remind me nearer the time etc
• puts her clothes away, eventually
• interested in learning to cook more (last showed and interest when she was about 4!) and makes dinner one school night a week and lunch one weekend day

Things which she seems completely unable to do

• hang her school coat up
• put her school shoes on the shelf
• hang her towel up after a shower
• shut her wardrobe door
• not leave a trail of destruction through the house when she is doing homework