Should I have spoken to my mum about what she said?

[HildasLostSock]

Apologies in advance if its a bit garbled. I have 2 DC, - DD age 6 and a baby. DD doesn't much like my parents anymore. We visit them fortnightly and DD won't talk to them until she's been there at least an hour despite their efforts and its been like this for at least a year (DD was more receptive to them when younger). Usually my dad just keeps trying to engage with her whilst my mum says leave her be. Last time just after we'd arrived and DD did her usual hiding behind me won't say hello or answer questions about school my mum started talking to the baby saying your big sister is miserable, she's so unfriendly she won't talk to Grandma no your big sister is nasty yes she's miserable and unfriendly (repeat several times). I said to DD to ignore Grandma but I've since been wondering if I should have spoken to my mum asking her not to speak like that in DD's hearing. I get that it's frustrating that DD doesn't want to engage and as a child I would have been forced to speak to the adults but I don't insist (perhaps I should now that she's getting older? I hated being forced to hug adults that I didn't like as a kid so I don't force DD to engage with grown ups but then again talking is different to hugging). Should I have said to my mum please don't talk about DD like that even though she wasn't talking to me or DD? Mum would probably just say well its true DD doesn't talk to us, which I can't deny. My mum used to call me names when I was growing up which I found hurtful so I'm perhaps over sensitive to it and DD likely doesn't care what my mum says. Should I ignore it or speak up if it happens again? And/or should I try to force DD to speak to my parents? Thanks

OMG that is terrible of your DM.

I think I’d have said ‘and she’ll want to speak to you even less when you’re talking about her like that!’ and would have told her in no uncertain terms that DD is NOT nasty, miserable and unfriendly. Appalling of her to say those things.

My DN didn’t speak to any other adult apart from her DM for a very long time as she had selective mutism. We never made an issue out of it or pressed her to engage with us, always waiting until she was ready. It was lovely when she finally turned into a chatterbox.

Your parents sound a bit weird.

Id have piped up - told them to behave and grow up. And if/when they responded with anything other than a sheepish acknowledgment and a bit of an apology - i’d have got my kid ls out of there.

I wouldn't let them round my dd at all anymore.

Mum would probably just say well its true DD doesn't talk to us, which I can't deny.
No, but she's a child, and she may be doing it for many reasons. Not talking is a way of expressing what she's feeling.
It is wrong and poisonous to 'talk to' children (or adults for that matter) through a baby, a pet or anyone else. I'd say very firmly to your mother that she is not to use terms like that about your DD in her hearing. You can acknowledge that yes, you'd also like it if your DD spoke to them, but you are working on it with her.

I actually think you should be giving your DD some expectations. She needs to greet your parents at the very least and you've let it go on too long imo. Once she's used to doing the pleasantries then build it up each time in terms of what you want her to do. She's now in a habit and you need to help her break it.

Yes your mum could've phrased her comments differently but she is frustrated.
.your DD can't decide just to not talk to people, it's not how the world works.

Oh and before anyone asks, I'm not some granny with grandkids who don't talk to me, I'm 37 with 2 kids.

Your DM is wrong for voicing this in front of a young child as it's counter productive.
Does your dc behave like this in front of other people or is it just with your parents?

That’s pretty mean of your mum. I wouldn’t want to talk to her either! Are there toys around, is it a kid friendly environment, or is she just supposed to sit there and answer questions interview style?

I think you should let your mum know she was completely out of line criticising and shaming your daughter to her face like that and that there will be consequences if it happens again.

She should have spoken to you separately instead, said she’s upset about this, and you might have been able to offer some advice. But given she called you names too, maybe your daughter has good judgement in trying to avoid someone who sounds pretty mean?

Bit odd of your mum but equally why doesn't your dd have basic manners? She should know by 6 that she should smile say hello/bye/please/thanks etc. it's up to you to teach her social skills. No need for unwarranted kisses and hugs.

Sounds to me like if you not careful your dd will turn into your mother.

You can't change mum but you can teach your dd.

Thank you for your responses. DD has been like this with my parents since very young. She used to be like it with everyone e.g. on a play date with her best friend from nursery at age 2 or so she wouldn't speak to her for the first 45 minutes, she had to "warm up" first. She gradually got better as she got older with other people, she no longer needs to "warm up" with anyone other than my parents now but daft as it is I've only just noticed how different she is with them vs everyone else. There are toys but they're mostly baby ones that she's long outgrown (she brings a couple of her own from home with her), and she says bye its just the hello that she never does. My mum has never made any effort to play with her (my dad has always played with DD and puts a lot of effort in, occasionally he says to mum why don't you join in but my mum says no need, I'm happy to watch her play). My mum's usually busy in the kitchen (preparing lunch or washing up the dishes afterwards- I've offered to do one or both so that she can spend time with the grandkids but mum always says no). Otherwise interactions consist of my mum telling her not to run across grass because she'll fall over and hurt herself, watching her play with my brother or asking about school, so I can see why DD might find my mum boring (she actually finds my mum weird she told me so - my mum uses a funny voice to talk to DD for some reason, think Gollum from Lord of the Rings - that sort of pitch and she also calls DD my precious) but I'm puzzled as to why she doesn't speak to either of them until she's been there a while. As adults we have to speak to people we might not want to so I've been wondering if I should just explain to her that she has to at least say hello and respond to questions even if with just a yes or no.

Should I ignore it or speak up if it happens again? And/or should I try to force DD to speak to my parents? Thanks

I wouldn't give them the chance let alone wonder whether to speak up. Your parents are absolutely toxic. Walk away from them.

I wouldn’t be taking dd around there anymore

After all if your dd is a nasty person then your mother and father won’t want to have anything to do with her.

All those saying the dd should be polite.

Why? What is that teaching her ?
She must be nice and smiley and polite to everyone, even those that she is unsure of, or those that don’t like her and mean her harm or those that call her names in-front of her.
She is supposed to be chatty and polite and do as she is told to these people

I shudder to think people still teach children to do these things.

Well, for a 6-year-old to be shy and sensitive is very normal. However, not saying hello or answering the questions it's a bit strange.
Do you tell her to do it, or just leave her be? I know there is a new style of parenting that "if you don't want to talk to adults you don't have to" but personally, I don't agree with that- and I get why previous generations wouldn't either.

Regardless, your mother singing like that to your baby about it is very rude and horrible. I must have a conversation! Your mother can feel whatever she wants but telling that to a baby about their sibling is unacceptable!

You should have called your mum out at the time and in front of DD, it's important the she knows what Grandma said wasn't ok and that you will stick up for her.

I would have said, calm but firm, 'No, she's not nasty or miserable, she's just feeling a little bit shy right now and that's fine. She'll let you know when she's ready to chat'.