Advice needed please

[MummyStorm]

Hi, new to Mumsnet so unsure of character numbers so will try to be succinct
Mummy to 3, 12F, 9M and 2M.
Father diagnosed with stage 4 brain tumours 2017. We married 2018 as he was given 6mo to live. He's still here. God bless the NHS.
We separated following a difficult lockdown
To covid, I lost my dad & 2 grandparents, and subsequently a dear friend to cancer, unrelated to covid.
Children understandably have MH issues.
12 yo hormonal but old enough to remember the dark times.
9 yo too young to remember specifics but is showing many signs of anxiety.
2 yo oblivious but suffering from the strain of me dealing with the older kids.
Incidentally the 2yo was unintended, but not unwanted. Just put a lot of additional strain on things, as he was born very prematurely during lockdown and has minor developmental delays.
Hubby and I separated for 2 years and largely OK, but occasionally it is very acrimonious.
Questions related to the older children.
I'm concerned with the 12F high anxiety. New territory for me, as my first born.
And 9M seems regularly upset, for silly and genuine reasons. He too appears anxious but also very confident in other ways, e.g. football team.
They generally go to bed 8.30pm, so no apparent sleep deprivation.
What can I do to improve our relationships?
We haven't told them Dad will probably relapse and won't recover, so I'm not sure the prognosis is on their mind, and reluctant to open that can of worms until I need to.
Sorry for war and peace. Its been a long time coming.
Any advice greatly appreciated, particularly how to address any MH issues before they escalate.
So much more to this story. 13F witnessed so much they shouldn't have. Brain tumours can do horrible things to personalities.
9M also did but probably can't remember specifics from when he was 3/4.
Should I arrange counselling for them, or might this make them feel worse short term? Should it be left until their Dad is gone?
Sorry so many questions.

Hi OP, really sorry to hear everything you’re going through. Sending hugs xoxox

I certainly don’t have any experience in any of this at all so please take what I say with a pinch of salt but here are my thoughts…

I wonder whether it would be helpful to get yourself some counselling or at least someone to talk to before you do anything to differently? I sometimes wonder whether we, as adults, project onto children and we overthink certain things. We are also very quick in this day and age to worry about children’s MH in a way that perhaps is too deep…

Of course, I’m not dismissing what your DC have been through or experienced at all, I am sure it will be impacting them… but I would hesitate before I sent them to counselling. There are all sorts of things going on in DCs lives when they are at the age of your elder two… school, friends, hormones, changing understanding of the world… etc

have you tried creating a calm space to talk to them yourself? Not just about all the ‘issues’ but just generally talking to them to see what is going on in their lives? in our house we recently stopped turning on the tv during breakfast and dinner times and made sure that we had conversations when we eat together… it’s actually had a huge impact on our relationships… dinner now takes a full hour and we all enjoy each others company as we chat. I didn’t realise we were even really missing this.

Have you tried to plan some ‘family time’ or ‘fun’ things (don’t necessarily mean things that cost lots of money… even things like a movie night at home with some sweets or a walk somewhere…) to do at the weekend that will just allow you and your DC to enjoy time together doing normal stuff?

I really think that sometimes we need to go back to basics: talking to each other, listening to each other and spending quality time together, having fun together. Our MH improves when the basics are a solid foundation in our lives.

sorry for the long post. Sending hugs.