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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Contact with father

24 replies

xx200xx · 07/02/2023 20:36

Hello everyone,
I recently wrote on this page to say that I have had to leave home with my 1 year old into a refuge due to domestic abuse.
So now it's got to go through to solicitors and stuff before my sons dad sees the baby, as I can't guarantee he will bring him back to me.

Does anyone know how long this could take before he can see him again? I'm not going to stop him seeing his dad as they do love each other and that side of the family. But I don't want to contact him again.

I spoke to a solicitor today and she's doing and emergency application. What are the chances of him getting 50/50 with it being a domestic abuse case? Could something be put in place soon for them to see each other? I'm not having any contact with his dad or grandad so I'm just slightly concerned what there doing on there part to try and get contact with him... my anxiety is so bad at the moment. I feel so awful doing this but it was for my own mental health and my baby being away from a very toxic situation. Can't help but blame myself :(

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/02/2023 22:29

I'm sorry @xx200xx, I don't quite understand the situation.

Has your exP applied for a Child Arrangements Order?

Do you want your child to go to him 50/50 knowing that:

A he's abusive and
B this would mean that you won't receive any maintenance from your exP

Original poster

xx200xx · 07/02/2023 22:42

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/02/2023 22:29

I'm sorry @xx200xx, I don't quite understand the situation.

Has your exP applied for a Child Arrangements Order?

Do you want your child to go to him 50/50 knowing that:

A he's abusive and
B this would mean that you won't receive any maintenance from your exP

Sorry I forgot to add, I don't want him having 50/50, as I don't trust him and we won't be in the same area as his dad.

I'm just wanting weekends or set days. But a court order to say he has to be returned to me. I'm just not sure if that could be put in place?

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 15:11

So has he applied for a Child Arrangements Order?

If he's abusive I'm not sure I'd be letting him have the baby just yet?

ironhelp · 08/02/2023 15:23

I am so sorry your in this situation.

If he was abusive to the baby I am sure he will not get any access at all

However from my personal experience, if he was abusive to only you, that is not of any interest to the courts.

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 16:24

ironhelp · 08/02/2023 15:23

I am so sorry your in this situation.

If he was abusive to the baby I am sure he will not get any access at all

However from my personal experience, if he was abusive to only you, that is not of any interest to the courts.

It may end up going to the court if he don't participate. I also want a court order put in place so I know he returns home, as he's dad has threatened to not return him if he did go. D

OP posts:

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 16:25

ironhelp · 08/02/2023 15:23

I am so sorry your in this situation.

If he was abusive to the baby I am sure he will not get any access at all

However from my personal experience, if he was abusive to only you, that is not of any interest to the courts.

May I also add, he pushed me on the stairs while he had my son who had just turnt 12 months in his arms. This caused me to have a massive bruise

OP posts:

Sucessinthenewyear · 08/02/2023 17:15

If he is abusive then you shouldn’t be going to mediation with him.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 18:12

As success has said, you shouldn't be doing mediation with him if he's been violent to you.

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 19:31

I just really want a court order put in place so he returns home to me. That's all.

I don't want to sit in the same room with him. The solicitors are involved as it's sexual, emotional and some physical. But I don't want him to stop seeing my son but somethign has to be put in place. As they might not return him

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:44

That's all. I don't want to sit in the same room with him.

Did you know that you can have some things put in place like Screens so that you don't see him and separate waiting areas?

You'd have to ask the Court for these things but in your case it's worthwhile.

How much contact has he asked for?

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:46

Oh and I don't think you will get an enforceable order through mediation.

If you want the child returning after contact, and you are worried about having to get the Police to enforce it, you should go straight to Court.

I'd be asking that any contact he has is supervised though.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:48

As they might not return him

Sorry I should have put this all in one post. Who are they? Do you mean your ex and his family?

Are you worried about your baby being taken out of the Country?

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 19:54

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:48

As they might not return him

Sorry I should have put this all in one post. Who are they? Do you mean your ex and his family?

Are you worried about your baby being taken out of the Country?

Yeah sorry, my heads just a little all over the place to be adding everything is I should of just stressed...

His family aka my sons dad and grandad.
I'm not worried about them taking him out the country as he don't have a passport but I'm worried about him not being returned to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 19:57

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:44

That's all. I don't want to sit in the same room with him.

Did you know that you can have some things put in place like Screens so that you don't see him and separate waiting areas?

You'd have to ask the Court for these things but in your case it's worthwhile.

How much contact has he asked for?

Him and his dad (sons grandad) want 50/50 parental rights. Even tho it's got nothing to do with the grandad he just keeps sticking his nose in.

They are adminent there gonna get 50/50 custody. They also claim there was no abuse.
But I have a lot of evidence to say otherwise. My sons only one and we won't be living in the same area as his dad and he works a lot so I don't think 50/50 would work. However my sons grandad is trying to get rights also. But the grandad could be getting in trouble for harresment as he's adding my family menebers and giving my number out to find where I am.

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 20:00

Is the violence and harassment logged with the Police?

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 20:03

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 20:00

Is the violence and harassment logged with the Police?

They want me to do a police interview in the station on Friday. I'm just really really scared and my mental health isn't in the best place emotionally for this yet. I'm not out to get him arrested, I want my son to have his dad in his life but with things put in place. But solicitor will be having all the evidence when she asks. Also the woman at the refuge I'm staying has been telling to rigjt everthing down and screen shot

OP posts:

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 20:04

Him and his dad are very clever people. There also amazing at manipulating people, but my social worker can see straight through them already and said everything there doing is classic perpetrator behaviour. But it's if the people higher then her can see that.

OP posts:

amiold · 08/02/2023 21:09

Let him apply for cao and withhold contact until it's sorted. Court will instruct things such as cafcass (s7/37) and find of facts etc. he won't get any contact til the risks are assessed. Don't make contact with him. Let him contact you via solicitor.

Original poster

xx200xx · 08/02/2023 21:17

amiold · 08/02/2023 21:09

He contacted me earlier of no caller ID.
he said a solicitor wants my email address so he was trying to get that from me. I told him to leave me alone but he kept ringing. So I turnt no caller Id of so I can't receive calls from him.

OP posts:

Mulefathethird · 08/02/2023 21:17

In these situations they could start by meeting in a contact centre so it's supervised. If there is any chance of him being taken abroad it might be worth you applying for the passport and hiding it and also you can alert passport office to be aware noone else should be applying for a passport. Refuge hopefully can advise you more on this. If child is in the UK or in a country UK has agreement I think the authorities get involved if court order not followed.

sunshinenroses · 08/02/2023 21:20

I think you're letting his coercive control continue here. Him being who he is, keeping a relationship with his child is not as important as you think it is and I think you might start to realise that as time goes on. If he was emotionally and physically abusive to you, it is more than likely he will be to your child at some point. You need to protect your baby, I'd hope a court would only advise supervised contact

FeelingLost2 · 08/02/2023 21:32

I was in your situation 3 years ago OP. My daughters father was abusive to both myself and our daughter. Unfortunately. Instead of admitting to this, her father decided to drag me down with him and changed the narrative to make out i was as culpable and it was a toxic relationship rather than abusive.. Our daughters father has been having supervised contact for 3 years in a contact centre now. It is only due to a psychological evaluation whereby the psychologist has set the record straight that she has now made a recommendation of indirect contact. I am awaiting a Cafcass guardian report which will hopefully agree.
What I'm trying to say to you is, although it will be incredibly hard, go through the court process and get a lives with order in your favour and put your reasons forward for supervised contact which can eventually progress to minimal unsupervised if the court agree its safe.
You need to do this properly, but word of warning.. It will take years to get a final result.

MNHQ

KimMumsnet · 11/02/2023 15:45

Hi, OP. We're going to move your thread to the Relationships section as you may get a few more helpful responses there.
It sounds like you are getting help from the relevant places, but just in case any of these links may be useful, there are some organisations listed on our Domestic Violence page here.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Lizziet64 · 11/02/2023 15:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

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