Growing up, I was always the ‘maternal’ one. The friend who gets you water and in the taxi when you’re drunk; the partner who dotes on you when you’re really sick; the stranger who can make literally any baby smile even if they are crying. That person. I was always brilliant with kids and I loved being around them and from a young age, I couldn’t wait to have my own.
And yet… here I am.
Don’t get me wrong - I absolutely LOVED the baby stage. Everyone always said how awful it would be but I felt like I thrived in it until he was around 2.5/3. I’ve never had any real issues with him, other than his eating. He has recently just turned 4 and.. I just don’t want to do it anymore. He never had terrible twos and he kind of had threenager stage. But fearsome fours… I feel like he has been saving all those horrific years for this moment.
The CONSTANT asking over and over to do something but not him even listening or acting on it; the level of disrespect he has for others; the attitude he gives when he doesn’t get his way; the button pushing and limit testing; all the physical abuse that comes with it. The screaming right up in your face; the shouting; throwing anything in his path; him spitting at you… it is constant.
He screams so much I am genuinely surprised the neighbours haven’t called the police thinking we are doing the worst to him.
He offers a hug of apology for all of 0.2 seconds; before he is wildly climbing the sofas after you said not to do it. It’s in one ear and out the other. I go and lock myself in the bathroom almost every hour just to calm myself down and give him space but he’ll always come find me as he is clingy as hell.
I am so drained of everything. I actually look forward to Mondays where I can drop him to preschool, go to work and finally feel like I can BREATHE….. only for 12 hours later to bring him home to battle with him until he falls to sleep. Work is like my sanctuary and I never want to come home.
I feel so helpless that I don’t want to be a mother anymore. I wish I never had become one. I feel like this was never meant to be my life. When I’ve spoken to my partner, they just say “you know you don’t mean it” and “if something ever happened to him, you’d move heaven and earth to help him” - and yet, I just don’t feel like I would anymore. I feel like I’ve got post partum depression but four years later.
I know I should feel blessed or lucky or whatever but I don’t. I am just done.
I’m not sure what I wanted for this but Thank you for listening, reading.