Neurodivergent DD SO argumentative!

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

We haven’t had an official autism diagnosis but it’s 99% likely that DD14 is on the spectrum. Is it common for kids with AS to pick fights? DD does it so often & unfortunately I just “ bit” & lost my patience. Long story but she has a lot of issues & I think is bored because she’s school refusing.

Pick fights?

I think you need to give some context here.

What is she doing and why?

Is it a reaction or unprovoked?

I mean I don’t have a 14yo (yet!) but isn’t picking fights/being moody or moaning a lot par for the course? I think they’re all argumentative now and again. It might be because she is ND but it might be because she’s a stroppy teen. Obviously as you’ve given no context it’s hard to say though.

I think it's normal for all teenagers to be angry and argumentative

Umm, apparently my 14 year old DS is totally neuro-typical and he is a right dickhead. I thought it was just being 14.

Without any detail how can you make such a judgement?

Being argumentative is a defining property of many 14yo's whether ND or NT.

We are on the diagnostic pathway with DD(12) and she has always been like this, it is incredibly draining. She seems to have a PDA profile. We have an older child so I am well used to teenagers thinking their parents are clinical morons, but DD is on another level and cannot let any comment or statement go uncritiqued.

It certainly can be something associated with ASD. We did some training at school recently and one of the things the woman said was "try not to get into an argument with someone who is autistic" which certainly rang true with regards to many of the autistic people I have worked with/know.
It is also part of being a teenager though!

DD is ND although not ASD. She picks fights when she is tired. I can see it coming now and can usually head it off or refuse to talk about it until the morning (by which time the issue has magically disappeared). However she is 10, don’t know how this will go when she’s 14!

Teenagers are argumentative, teenagers with autism can be more argumentative and seem to never back down (my dd would argue to the death that black is white). I have learnt a to say “let’s just agree to disagree”, this seems to calm the situation some what, even if I do have to say it more than once before she stops.

From a very early age, dd would argue everything and find every loophole.

it is challenging, but it just means we have to be able to back up our arguments. I don’t think there is anything wrong with needing to treat a child or teenager with enough respect that you can explain why.

we convinced her to turn her evil skill into a superpower and join the debate team at school

Yep - it’s like sensory feedback for my son to provoke a reaction from people.

Mega quick reply, OP, but wanted ti say we are in a similar situation with DS2 (almost 14) and have been since he was about 4. Waiting for autism assessment, with PDA cropping up a lot in appointments. Some good books available to help understand it. Will post their names in a bit.

My ND 15yo can be extremely argumentative and I agree that it is very wearing. He was diagnosed at 7 and it was explained to me as "a need to feel resistance". He is at his best when he's physically active, very calm and easy, especially resistance exercise like weights, running, skating, swimming. Somehow it "resets" his brain. Being cooped up for a stretch of rainy days or a road trip or, tragically, a day of classes, unleashes his "need for resistance" horribly and he literally seeks an argument, desperate to feel the push sensation. He does know this about himself so we have agreed on a signal that I give when he's going too far. He still struggles but at this point he will walk away and try to reset. I hope this helps!

Parent of a an autistic teen dd here. I have other teens but the level of understanding needed with my autistic dd is another level. She's impacted by social communication needs already, struggles with inferencing, can misread tones of voice. Then the raging hormones don't help, plus her window of tolerance for life generally is tiny. So she will lose it much quicker than our other averagely moody teens! Mine is also a school refused burnt out from years of having her needs ignored by schools.