Does EVERYONE struggle during early years??

[Libertypancake]

Hi All

We are due to start IVF next week and am (obviously nervous) but SO looking forward to hopefully having our own little baby.

I read loads of stuff about how difficult it is to have a baby, to be a parent. How much everyone struggles with the sleeplessness, the anxiety, the loss of your own identity.

I absolutely do not want to downplay any of this and it is not my intention to underestimate the effort that goes into raising a child.

But does anyone consider it the best time of their lives? My mum always said that when I was born she loved it. She thrived on motherhood and said she enjoyed every second.

Of course there are going to be two sides. But I was just hoping to hear the happy baby, parenting stories. Where people are loving life

To those of you that really didn't enjoy the early years, did you expect not to enjoy them? Or did it hit you unexpectedly?

Expected not to enjoy them and didn’t enjoy them. I’m coming into my own now DS is a bit older (4).

For me the thing that made having a small baby hard was the sleeplessness and the anxiety. Everything else was fine. I never felt like I lost my own identity not struggled with the feeling of being needed all the time, as some do. My second baby slept a lot better with my first and didn't have the health issues my first had, so I was less sleep deprived and less anxious. I've therefore been much happier and have loved (almost) every moment x

Totally agree with the majority of posters on here, it’s the proverbial swings & roundabouts. One minute, you’re crying for the fifth time that day because you’ve lost your identity, haven’t slept more than 2 hours, baby isn’t bf as the books say they should and you don’t know why your child won’t sit through baby massage when everyone else’s does. The next moment, they’ve just given you a huge smile, or a decent nights sleep, or you’ve had a lovely day together and suddenly the world is an amazing place again.

Also agree with PP in terms of being realistic & not beating yourself up if you don’t float through every second in blissful enjoyment or consider it the best time of your life. DD is an IVF baby and there were moments when I felt guilty I wasn’t experiencing the “happiest time of my life” vibes 24/7 because we’d gone through so much to have her. I mean she was also a covid baby so maybe the pandemic didn’t help as it’s hard to be living your best life while repeatedly walking round a park, 2m away from one other person in the middle of December 🤔

I didn't but DS was an easy baby. I was lucky that he bf to 18 months, alongside other food.

I had 1 year mat leave during which I discovered ex had no intention of ever getting up in the night or changing a nappy. And then I was made redundant 1st day back at work and spent a year fighting unfair dismissal. DS was a doddle compared to all the other stuff going on around me.

Then ds & I moved into a flat when I returned to work when ds was 2+2 and we co-slept until we finally moved into our house when ds was 3+2.

Honestly, the baby was the lovely, cuddly, easy bit 😁 But I'd stopped trying to keep ex happy by the time ds was 2 so I could focus on the baby., It helped.

I think there are 3 main variables - if you are an introvert that needs good sleep then small children will make you pretty unhappy (this was me); then whether or not your baby/toddler is v easy going, eats well and sleeps well (there not much you can do to influence this tbh); thirdly how helpful your partner/family is. Some mums just love the whole thing and look at you like you are mad complaining about the torture of baby/toddler care...I think the variables I listed are the things that make it so different from one mum to another. For me parenthood got SO much more enjoyable from age 5 upwards...

I had fertility treatments for 7 years and ended up with DD. Sleep deprevation is really hard, but once they only wake you up once a night you'll be fine. Some babies get to this point quicker than others.

Infertility is waaaaaay harder imo! The hard times with a baby last just weeks or months and you know that. With infertility you don't know what to expect from your future at all. Plus inferility is heart breaking. Being overly tired of the cutest baby ever still has its upsides (your own baby is always the cutest ever, biological thingy).

We finally had a baby via IVF (baby is 16 months now). We had a difficult and long road to get here. Whilst it is amazing, it has been very difficult at times. I adore my husband but at one point I thought I bloody hated him. In hindsight it was frustration/extreme tiredness/anxiety. We didn't have an unusual start in that my baby was born at 24 weeks, so I was highly strung from having spent 4 months in the NICU and then dealing with severe reflux once we were home! Looking back, yes an easier journey would have been great, but touch wood I've a healthy happy baby so it was all worth it in the end!

Yes it can be hard (mine didn’t sleep through till 2.5) but totally worth it.
We also went through several rounds of ivf and losses and at one point didn’t know if we’d ever have children. I will never forget this and even though there are challenging times I would never be without them. We have lovely ages at the moment of 4 and 7. Remember everything is a phase and always changing.

I think it’s very personality dependent - we all want slightly different things from life. I personally love it, I have 4 of them and (even though I wish I had a bit more “me time”) I never really want this phase of life to end. And I kind of knew I’d be like that before I had kids.

We had great babies who slept through very early, we weren’t exhausted. Nursery meant we were tight in cash but it was a good time, certainly not a struggle. Miss baby cuddles, but am loving them as inquisitive intelligent little kids too.

From about four onwards it was great. The earlier years there were moments of cuteness but I'm glad it's done. What made it hard was that nobody ever really helped us. No GP days out, no walks out with the pram, no sleepovers.
I went back to work pt at four months for a break from it all and twenty years on have never regretted it.

I would say the years since I had my DD who is 5, and my other DD have genuinely been the best of my life, in general, obv with bad bits in between. However, I think that’s also to do with the fact that I was quite insecure at school and through my 20’s…and since I’ve had my daughters I’m a lot happier in myself, not necessarily euphoric all the time - but just content and not giving as much of a shit about what others think, able to be my true self etc. however this may be more to do with getting older rather than kids? Although I love them so much they are def part of it! I feel I’ve achieved all I want in life so am content. I DEF think you only hear the bad bits about parenting, it’s mostly fine apart from a bit boring at times I’ve found! Obviously it’s important to speak out if you find parenting hard and for some it is hard, but there seems to be a lot of kind of competitive ‘in finding this harder than you, not IM more tired’ especially in social media - people who love it, or (the majority) who just find it fine don’t shout about it for fear of seeming insensitive maybe. There is also a narrative put out by a lot of childfree by choice people about how awful it all is, you loose yourself etc but that’s not necessarily true in reality

The process of ivf - the money, the constant appointments, the failed transfers, the losses, the diminishing hope over the years - was a million times worse. It took us six rounds and over 5yrs.

I mean this kindly, but don’t jump the gun - this could be a very long process. Focus on that first, and looking after yourself and your partner - if and when it works, you have all that excitement to look forward to!

I wish you all the best.

This is it for me. My DC are 4 and 1.

I struggled. I remember finding it hard and wondered how anyone had ever managed to be a parent. On reflection I probably should have spoken to the GP. After the fatigue wore off and I went back to work part time I felt more 'me' and really enjoyed the toddler years. I have two children now and wouldn't change anything, but it has not been easy. They are older now and I get sleep, so feel able to deal with things much more.

I loved having my children. I never felt I’d lost my identity, but that I had a new one in addition to my old one. Gains not losses.

I loved the baby and toddler stages, I loved the older child stages, honestly I love the teen stages too. My kids are fab and I have enjoyed every day, even the days I really, really didn’t.

Before anyone pops up with the idea that anyone saying they loved it had magical mythical children and a legion of support, I became a single parent when my first baby was weeks old. I was nursing a dying parent when my second was brand new. I returned to work after childbirth when my third was a few weeks old due to finances. I’ve never had family support, in fact the opposite in that I have always had additional family members with disabilities or illnesses to care for. I’ve never had a nanny, or used nurseries. One of my DC is ND. One has a serious long term health condition. One of them slept through at 4 months, one slept through at 2 years and one didn’t sleep through the night until they were 7 years old.

Despite all that stuff, life has always been better, not easier but better, with them around.

With both mine I loved the first year, my first was a fab sleeper so that helped but he still had his moments. Second was during covid and that definitely made it harder as was lonely. I would definitely say temperament of baby has a big impact and how you are. I liked getting out as much as I could, made routines for myself as that helped me.

There so many variables, it’s not possible to categorise as ‘struggled’ and ‘didn’t struggle’. Both my children had colic, the first months of their lives were honestly the hardest of mine. I cried everyday, just praying for the screaming to stop. I was woken every 90 minutes until they were around 9 months old (can still remember the exact date my DD slept through for the first time as it was just so monumental). I swung from feeling so incredibly content with my life and being so in love with my babies, to feeling like I’d truly fucked everything up and made my life so much more difficult than it needed to be.

There were many positives, and I made some great friends during the baby years but honestly, thank fuck they are over 😅 I’m not out of the woods yet (one school age and one still at nursery), they are still very dependent on me but I try to soak up all the hugs and ‘I love yous’ while they flood in willingly as I know a part of me will miss it when they’re grown.

I absolutely loved the baby years but you do get tired of baby is a poor sleeper. I found toddler years more difficult. Everything pretty much plane sailing until they hit teen years. I found DD easy as a teen but both sons hard going. They are young adults now and all 3 lovely individuals, all work hard full time, none smoke, only 1 drinks occasionally and all can cook, clean and look after themselves, so I must have got most of it right. I think a lot depends on if they make friends with similar values to the ones you bring them up with. All mine made lovely friends. I am certain that helped a lot. Kept them grounded.

Forgive me for sounding obnoxiously trite but becoming a mother really was the making of me, personally speaking. I loved it from day one. I also cried and felt overwhelmed and exhausted and soul destroyed by the lack of sleep and the stress that comes with bringing a wholly dependent-to-the-point-of-not-knowing-it’s-separate-from-me baby into the mix.

I will say this, your partner is either all in or else you’ll experience enormous difficulty. Being a single parent (which I am) is easier than living with the illusion of having a partner. You yourself doing and being ALL and EVERYTHING will break you. I married twice; both times were to men who just could not be parents but instead morphed into my very own overgrown, high-needs baby-men.
It’s a together thing. You and your partner must be fully on board with supporting each other. I’m preaching. I apologise. But parenting alongside lousy, uncooperative, uninvolved partners really left me feeling despondent as a mother.
Babies will break your spirit from time to time. And you need to be on each other’s side when you and your partner are in the trenches.

It really depends on the child, how well they sleep and how much support you are getting from your DH and rest of the family.
I found the baby stage very difficult, both mentally and physically.

My DC did not sleep through till he was 3, he had an undiagnosed health condition (that he's now grown out of) and GPs were undermining me as I was a first time mum. I ended up diagnosing him at 8 months myself- till then he slept 5-20 min stretches. Many mum "friends" whose kids had slept through since they were 6 weeks old were "experts" at suggesting what I was doing wrong with my child and why he didn't sleep through, it was very depressing, as most of them were first time mums also. And it did not help that we did not have a single person to help out.

I lost myself during that period, I was tired for years and constant comparing to other children who slept through did not help.

Everyone's journey is different, it is good to be aware of the possible struggles, but don't worry about things that could happen before the time has come- you might have a much easier journey than many others did. Enjoy the process and at the end of the day, no matter how difficult it is, love that you'll experience towards your DC outweighs everything else.

I struggled with the newborn stage. Didn't enjoy it and worried about everything. My daughter didn't feed particularly well and struggled to put on weight. My son born 2 and a half years later was a dream in comparison and I really got into my stride with motherhood and really enjoyed life.
It is like joining a club you had no idea existed. Children bring so much joy and heartache but I wouldn't have swapped it. My life is so much richer for having them.
Now we have a 2 and a half year old granddaughter and it's so interesting providing childcare looking after her but one step removed from motherhood.
Good luck on your IVF journey!

Someone I know seemed to breeze thru the first year with baby. So naturally Nature awarded her with twins the next time. That's my reckoning, anyway.

Exactly this. For us the early years were very happy but definitely not easy. This is the whole mindfuck of parenting, especially when they’re little. It’s exhausting, frustrating, repetitive, thankless…. but it’s also the most wonderful thing in the world. I once read someone describe it as hours and days of drudgery punctuated by “moments of transcendence.” And you can’t choose when those moments happen — sometimes a carefully planned day out can be absolute hell, but other times your kid wakes you up at 5 am and does something that makes your heart explode with pride and love. This is why people look back on the early years with a fondness they may not have felt at the time. Both can be true.

I didn't struggle ... it was a very easy few years but I had a baby that slept lots, a hands on DH who adored being a Dad, I was a SAHM (by choice) with no financial worries ... we had moved to a lovely part of the country - although we had no family nearby I found it easy to make friends and enjoyed exploring the new area ... happy times . (And I stuck to one DC!).