Feeling like a resent my son - does it get better?

[Anonymous49]

When my daughter was born I had this overwhelming love for her and still do, I didn’t have this at all with my son. I thought it would get better over time but I still don’t really feel anything for him.

I must love him as I would protect him with my life (I think), but I just feel this almost resentment towards him, some days I honestly feel like if it was acceptable to put him up for adoption without receiving judgement from our family and friends we would. I don’t know if the fact I had a traumatic birth with him has anything to do with it…

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone felt like this and when they got older (he is 14 months old now) the resentment stopped and you fell in love with them… Or do you still feel this way and wish you only had the 1 child?

Please seek some therapy to help you. My Mum felt this way with me (quite clearly) and the resentment would seep through. We have no relationship now and I have massive self esteem issues as a result. She didn't have the same feelings when my brother was born so naturally growing up I just blamed myself for her clearly being quite irritated by me for no reason at all.

It's great that you've noticed this and admitting to it, please get the help and support you need so you can hopefully have lasting and fulfilling relationships with both your children. I wish my Mum had.

I only have one child but can identify with birth trauma and feeling disconnected from my child - don't underestimate the impact this can have. Do seek help, but to try and reassure you, my situation has drastically improved with time.

Thank you for sharing. That is one of my fears, I don’t want him to know I feel that way… The thought of a child wondering what they did wrong breaks my heart. I don’t know why I even feel this way, he’s actually an easier child than my first. I so desperately want to love him immensely, I feel jealous when I see other Mums so clearly in love with their children, it’s so frustrating that I feel this way.

How long did it take? Is there anything you did to help? I try to connect with him but he just irritates me for some reason and I hate that I feel that way so much 😭

Is it him, as a person, or is it that you are using him as a place to dump your unresolved feelings, about the birth trauma, fears of expanding family etc. it’s the second of course, as you’ve identified, so do seek help from your gp. Well done for recognising this now. Babies are hard work, and irritating, and resentment can flow from that, but spending time on your mental health will help mitigate any long term negative feelings or damage. You probably need some help, some time off, too!! Are you getting any?

also, do check out your own physical health. People always focus on mental health, but you may be physically under par too. I was very aenemic after my second, felt crap, and couldn’t cope. Was anxious and negative.

note, my mother had a golden child, while I was her punching bag (mentally). It’s awful for both children, in different ways. If only she’d recognised what she was doing early on! (Resented me for being a girl!) good luck op!

Oh and don’t worry about overwhelming feelings of love. At this point, just decide “I,m going to pour MY love into him” (not HE makes me feel blissed out and in love, if that makes sense). He’s annoying to you, atm. I get it. With my history of an unloving mother, I just decided, I’m going to tell this baby that I love it every single day. I’m going to be patient. I’m going to leave the room if I’m annoyed. I’m not going to see this as fun fun fun. I now have THE most loving relationship with that child, now a teen! He’s brilliant!, but I really wasn’t expecting it! But I thought through my behaviour very rationally since it wasn’t my natural inclination. It may be a therapist would help better than my random advice/experience tho!

@Itci Thank you for being kind in your response. I had a high risk pregnancy and was terrified of losing him the whole time, then towards the end of the pregnancy I was on bed rest which took time away from my daughter, then he was born premature and in NICU for a while (which again took me away from my daughter & husband as they were over 2 hours away), I also didn’t get to hold him until he was 4 days old. Sometimes I wonder if it was because I never got to ‘bond’ with him, or because I was so terrified of losing him my subconscious tried to detach so it would ‘hurt less’ if anything were to happen to him.

I really like the idea of pouring love into him even if I don’t feel that way, thank you! I am very fatigued and don’t get much help so maybe I need to see a doc re my levels. Did you feel better once your iron was sorted?

It seems possile that your anger about being away from your daughter, and your stress, are now subconsciously put onto him so that he seems 'annoying'.

Like, "how can i love someone who caused me so much pain?" Obviously you know rationally that he didn't intentionally cause you pain, but your subconscious might not know that.

I'd second finding a good therapist to work through the pregnancy and birth trauma.