Please help me with my sons behaviour

[xxxJess123xxx]

Hi all thanks in advance for reading

My son is just turned 4 (Jan) Has a 7 year old sister. Me and his Dad are married, stable home life etc

His behaviour is just getting worse and worse and I just don't know where to turn to or what to do next.

He hits, scratches, kicks his sister, me and his Dad. Usually if I tell him he can't do something or has to stop a bad behaviour.

If I take him to a shop, he will hit stuff on the shelves, run off or do the opposite and sit on the floor and wont move and I can't pick him up, he's a big boy and becomes a deadweight star fish. People have actually stopped me in the shop (usually older ladies) to tell him stop being naughty. How embarrassing.

He doesn't listen to a word I say, is constantly 100mph and I just don't know what to do.

Playschool says he is fine apart from play fighting.

Screen time is limited due to it making him so much worse. His diet is limited, very fussy. No guns/shooting videos or programmes. No you tube.

I have tried time out, putting him in his bedroom, ignoring him, distraction, shouting at him, nothing. He will come out of his bedroom and go back to doing the exact same thing I have told him off for.
I have never smacked him ( as much as I have wanted to in anger!!!) as I presume that telling off a child for hitting by hitting them isn't going to work.

Thank you for getting this far. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

I have tried time out, putting him in his bedroom, ignoring him, distraction, shouting at him, nothing.

You don't talk about trying anything gentle parenting related. Have you given it a try?

Agreed with pp, there are so many great ways to help kids get regulated -- look up gentle parenting, it's a game changer. Some good Instagram accounts are DrBeckyatGoodInside and OurMamaVillage but there are many many more. A lot of it comes down to kids needing a strong connection with their caregivers to help them learn to regulate their impulses and emotions. It takes a lot of work to learn how to gentle parent as it's very different from traditional parenting but it's truly worthwhile.

Oh AttachmentNerd is also absolutely amazing! Also on Instagram

Gentle parenting? Iv asked him why is he hitting/kicking etc he can't give me an answer.
How would gentle parenting help? Is it just a case of googling or does anyone have any examples

I was taught that challenging behaviour is expressing an unmet need and your job is to be a stress detective and work out what that need is.

Shopping trips can be very over stimulating for example or tricky if you're hungry/ thirsty: tired/ low self esteem - expecting to be in trouble.

I like the practise of non violent communication, it's a four stage approach
Observation
feelings
Needs
A request

Definitely worth looking into

I also like the book how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

Also if he likes hitting and kicking give him an opportunity to do that safely - try heavy work play or just let him attack a bunch of sofa cushions. Try and see what's going on before it happens. Are there triggers? Certain moods?

Physical stimulation, followed by an organising activity lego/ raking/ sorting followed by a soothing activity can help regulate too.

he will not sit down and concentrate on anything like lego or a puzzle, he has no attention span at all

Agree with pp talking about bad behaviour being an unmet need.

If he's angry, validate his feelings and say that you can see he's feeling really angry, and you understand it's very frustrating when x, y, z happens. Use facial expressions to mirror his emotion. If he's hitting, kicking, redirect and tell him it's not okay to do that to other people but give him something like a pillow to hit.

Once he's calmed down, speak to him about his behaviour and other ways he can act when feeling frustrated or angry rather than kicking out.

I'm not saying this way of parenting is easy and i certainly slip up with it. It must be very difficult to remain calm when he hurts his sister.

But when my little girl is misbehaving and i sit on the floor next to her, tell her i think she's feeling disappointed/frustrated/jealous etc and ask her if she'd like a cuddle for a minute to help her feel better, it's 1000 times better than if i tell her off. She'll have her cuddle then do as she is asked.

It feels counterintuitive sometimes especially if we're in a rush but ultimately it is quicker for us. Once she's regulated her emotions we talk about how she can handle these feelings differently. Nowadays she'll tell me she's feeling disappointed and ask for a cuddle to help her feel better.

I'm in a number of gentle parenting facebook groups that i find useful. Books i also love are:

How to talk so little kids will listen
The book you wish your parents had read
The whole brain child

How is his speech and language skills? Was he delayed?

Keep expectations clear. Prepare him for changes/transitions eg. When the timer goes in ten minutes we will need to get our shoes on so we are ready for the park.

Model emotions as described above for anger etc Praise praise praise for anything positive.

Work on as much positive connection 1 on 1 time that you can - is there anything he likes to do with you? Perhaps active - kicking a ball etc if not much attention span for Lego etc. Best of luck

Perhaps also speak to your health visitor for some advice

Have a read about adhd, a lot of what you say could suggest he’s neuro diverse.
there are online paper tests you can try to see if it’s likely.
Additude website is a good place to start

walk on by anyone who starts the “why is it always neuro diversity” shit.

Brenda yes adhd has crossed my mind

i definitely will take comments on board. I have asked him if he wants a cuddle when he is upset but with him swinging his fist around, he says no and continues to hit

i will do some reading on those techniques though

In your post you reference a lot of physical issues - hitting, scratching, fighting. I wonder if there is some unmet sensory need. My pre schooler with additional needs is very sensory seeking and throws himself around a lot. He's actually not fighting or wrestling - he needs that physical feeling to keep him calm and regulated. As a pp has suggested I'd make a safe place for him where he can throw, hit, kick, bite things as much as he needs/wants. Trampolines can be good for throwing himself around, big cushions, soft play-style toys to climb/throw/ punch, chewable non-toxic toys if he likes biting, sensory mats or wall panels that he can scratch. Of course you need to teach him not to do it to other people, but that may reduce if he is able to have an outlet for this behaviour. Also look into a referral if you think he could be ND. Waiting lists are long.

Agree with PP about gentle parenting. Does he get 1 on 1 time with you? Just a bit of time, each day if possible where you get on the floor and play with him, no phones or distractions, follow his lead about what to play.

I would guess he is behaving this way because it gets a reaction, attention. Try praising all the good stuff he does no matter how small. Tell his sister, within his ear shot, how he has done something really well. He may find that doing positive things gets the attention from his mum that he wants. That's what I would try, and indeed what I do with my 4yo DS when his behaviour gets a bit unruly. Key thing is to be consistent, it can take a few days or weeks to start to see a change. Good luck, it's tough!

He is looking for attention. All the ways you say you deal with it basically restrict attention from you, making him feel more sad and lonely. How do you connect?

Just an FYI The sorting/ methodical stage doesn't have to be anything major or intricate. It can be as simple as moving sticks around, raking, fiddling with loose parts. It's also just about the process of doing not any end result. (But it has to come after the big physical exertion phase.)

Bless you OP you sound like you are trying really hard.

One thing that jumped out for me was that you ask him quite a lot what he needs or what is wrong.

I wonder if he just doesn't have the emotional literacy to tell you in words yet. He needs to you put it in words for him and contain his experience for him - so that he starts to learn that language and slowly to manage his feelings.

So when he is angry and kicking off you could start by getting down on his level and saying "Hm Freddie I think you are feeling very cross and fed up right now. I think you are really fed up being in this shop.

But we have to be here as I have to get the things for dinner. In a minute we will be leaving.

It's not ok to pull everything off the shelves. If you keep doing that I will have to pick you up and take you straight home. It's not ok to do that in a shop

If you can be calm we will get our shopping done sooner then we can leave and do something more fun.

Yes he gets one on one time with me. He goes playschool 3 days so 2 are at home with me

iv always just asks what’s wrong but maybe like you say he can’t put in into words

no concerns with his speech

he loves watching a film under a blanket with me while his sister is at school so we connect in ways like that

he does enjoy playing with his cars

he seems to behave worse as soon as his sister gets home from school. He gets so excited and starts throwing stuff and hitting her literally the second she is through the door

xx

Hiya, I'm an early years lead teacher and have used the zones of regulation alot to help children. There are posters and videos on you tube if you google it.

I would first watch this video about children's window of tolerance.

The zones relate to this as you can spot and help children spot and label when they are in the blue or yellow zone, which means they are edging towards the red zone (where they are outside their window of tolerance and lose control and you see hitting etc and it is hard to calm them down).

It takes a bit of pre-work as you need to use the posters to say 'you look happy, you're in the green zone, I'm feeling over excited, I'm in the yellow zone' etc or ask them to tell or point to which zone they are in. With children with additional needs I have a little mirror next to the posters to show them their facial expression too but this is more with ASD.

Thjs all helps them recognise how they are feeling but also you then also teach them techniques to calm down (things like carrying something heavy, wall push ups, counting to 10, breathing deeply etc)

You have to show the techniques while they are calm, as when they are disregulated it is too difficult for them to recall them.
For breathing deeply it is obviously a bit tricky for them to understand this when they are younger but if you hold him close to you and say 'copy my breathing' he should be able to.

If he has got adhd, things like the wall push ups, carrying something heavy etc give the right sensory feedback to get the excess energy out. Things like weighted blankets and vests help too. Also maybe a quiet space where he can go to calm down if you/he decides he is in the yellow zone.

@xxxJess123xxx how did you get on? Experiencing similar with my 3 yo except his behaviours are at nursery too and he has no siblings. I’m stressed about him going to school in September