Opinion on if I am doing ok?

[Confised]

Hi, this is such a random thing to post but I want an honest opinion. Like most father's I work a busy full time job. I am starting to feel my partner thinks I don't do enough however I care for 2 older relatives on the weekend which leaves us a day together as a family. Most week days my day is get up and get ready, get the older child (4) up for nursery , get him dressed make his lunch and do his breakfast all whilst my partner sleeps a little longer ( breastfeeding a 5 month old) and gets up and herself and other child ready. Then I start work and work a 9 hour ish day. Come home and cook dinner for us and bath the elder one usually and get him to bed. Then play with younger one for a bit before chilling from about half 8 in the evening. I cook most days on the weekends, and take children to playgroups etc and help with shopping and tidying where I can but I don't do a huge amount of housework. My partner doesn't have a paid job as she is on maternity but she is a full time mum so that's a job in it's self !!!

My question is am I doing enough and would you be happy if you had this level of support?

Answers would be great. Thanks

Yeah, sounds fine. HTH.

Yeah I'd be pretty pleased with that!

Thank you for your help. Just may be me worrying but I feel I am doing my best and just hope that is enough

It sounds like you’re doing your fair share however your wife might still need more help if you see what I mean?

I really believe that we aren’t meant to raise children in small nuclear families with no “village” help plus you’re caring for elderly relatives on top. Any chance there’s a bit of resentment of that?

That sounds like you're doing lots, and a great effort at balancing work, hands-on parenting and support for other loved ones.

You both seem to have a lot on your plate though, so if you and/or your wife feel overwhelmed or like you need more help, there's no shame in seeking more help.

If you have the funds, maybe an hour or two per week of a cleaner coming in could help? Do you and your relatives have any carers' support - their or your GP should be able to advise about accessing this, and if your relatives have social workers, they should be able to refer you for a carers assessment, which could then lead to more support to help you balance all these pressures.

It sounds like you're doing enough, but as other posters have said, it's possible you're doing lots AND that your partner still needs more support. Perhaps it's that she's struggling without enough adult company, or emotional support? Not saying this is all your responsibility to fix, it certainly do we doesn't sound like you have much spare time anyway, but am open conversion and a talk about the possible options for support sounds needed.

Another small point - when you do things like make dinner etc do you do all the thinking too? Or do you have to ask your partner what to cook, what to buy etc? Just because I find that doing the thinking around a task is sometimes as exhausting as doing the task itself.

Well you are certainly doing a good amount, but it's impossible to tell if it's fair or not because you don't say what your wife is doing day to day. So you get chill time from 8.30? Does she get the same amount of chill time? Because that's what it boils down to - equal 'free' time.

Also the elderly relatives. A whole day every week would mightily piss me off if there was any possible way to reduce this. So, are they using all the care available to them from the state? If yes, are they using all the paid carers/cleaners they can afford, even if that means eating up all their savings? If all that's happening, and they still can't cope, I suggest residential care. It's not reasonable to expect a person with two young children to spend a whole day a week caring for them. There may be some very unusual circumstances which make stepping back from being a carer impossible, but IME in most cases it's just that the elderly person doesn't want strangers caring for them, thank you very much, and they'd much prefer their younger relative puts a strain on their marriage bending over backwards helping them.

Thank you all for the comments. In regards to my partner she picks up the general cleaning of house (when able) and food shopping and school runs etc. As said she is a full time mum so she does alot around the children and the household. As for chill time after 8.30 I didn't really phrase that as well as I could of. The youngest isn't really sleeping so between us we take it in turns with him from half 8.

There is definitely resentment there about the caring but the issue is that one of the ones I care for has alienated the only other person that could help and getting her to accept care is a nightmare, even though I work in the industry.

As for the thinking we plan together but I will ask what do you fancy and give options so maybe I will just do that from now on.

I am just worried I am doing my best and it's not enough if that makes sense.

It doesn’t really matter what others think. You need to talk to your partner about this.

This post certainly shows you care, please talk to your partner because even though on paper you are doing plenty, she still may need more support. On paper my OH does plenty but I have to deal with all the mental load so I struggle.