Son, year 7 being excluded

[Arniesleftleg]

My son is one of the youngest in his year (year 7). He's got a group of close friends that he's taken from primary and has made some other friends since being at high school. The kids from primary often go out in a group but leave him out. Today they are all going out to a birthday party of one of the other kids and again he's been left out. (one of the kids actually bullied the other kids whose party it is) He spends most weekends doing nothing except playing on his x box as he's got no one to do anything else with. He doesn't want to do stuff with me anymore although I do sometimes drag him out for a kick about at the park.

He's a lovely kid and all his friends love him and so do the parents, they often say how supportive and lovely he is to the other kids and he's also popular with the girls as he's funny and makes them laugh. He genuinely is a lovely kind hearted kid so I don't understand why he keeps getting left out. I'm feeling really really sad for him today as the kids whose birthday it is told him 'you're not coming to my party' and my son just replied 'that's ok' and took it in his stride. He didn't even mention it to me until just now when one of the other kids said he couldn't come out as he was going to the party.

How can I make this better for him? He doesn't seem overly affected by it but I'm just sick of seeing him entertaining himself all the time. It makes me want to cry for him.

Honestly it sounds like his old friends don’t love him anymore. It’s normal for kids to find a new ‘tribe’ when they start secondary school.

I would start by talking to his form tutor and expressing your concerns. I would be looking for them to report back to you on how other teachers view his social skills, how he gets on with others - do they think he has friends in school and to suggest some after school clubs for him to try with a view of extending his friendship groups.

You need to get him into a sports or hobbies club so he can make friends outside of school.

He needs to join clubs at school, and try some out of school hobbies. He will meet new friends if he is pro active. His previous friends have sadly moved on.

Y7 is such a tricky year friendships wise, I really sympathise. Both of my boys have had issues at that age - mostly with being left out.

It’s 100% worth trying to get him involved in other clubs or activities even if he doesn’t make specific friends through them it’s good to have other stuff going on and other plans.

He seems fine within himself. Help him join a group - sport or slub outside of school for a few hours per eek. Your son will learn more social skills than he does on his Xbox.

He is younger so perhaps his social skills are different to those of his older friends. Regardless, having a bunch of like minded folk to mix with every week will make the relationships with his school friends less pressured.

He will make new friends every year.

This exact situation happened to my DS in y7. He too seemed fine at the time but the little knocks built up & ended really eroding his confidence. Agree clubs are good but frankly they spend so much time in school it's here they need the confidence to recognise what's happening & try to build new friendships. I hope your son has the confidence to do this, mine didn't & we ended up having to move schools where he now is better but clearly still bears the scars of this insidious bullying.. Keep a close eye but ultimately there's not much you can do at this age except lots of support & building up at home. I'm so sorry he's going through this.

He does do after school activities but just gravitates towards his usual group. We do encourage other friendships but generally other people have formed their own groups so it makes it harder.

@user1492757084 he doesn't just play on his xbox. His xbox is on the only TV in the house just so he doesn't shut himself away. He does out of school activities and has great social skills, he's a really outgoing kid, he just cant seem to find his tribe at the moment and I don't know whether thats because the others in his group are almost a year older than him.. The friends are all close and look out for each other at school and always play footie or rugby together at break, it's just some days they don't call for him or consider him at all.

@purplerain100 Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry your son had to go through the same x

Primary friendships often break in y7, it isn't at all unusual.

Talk to him about ways he can make newer friendship in school. For example lunchtime clubs, or new people in his tutor group or whatever.

This sounds just like my DS at the moment but he is in Y5. One of his closest friends moved away and he is a small 1form entry school with only 11 boys in his class. I tol now they've all played and gelled together nicely but recently he seems to be getting left out and says himslef he feels the others are pushing him out. He says they're the 'cool' group and he and 3¶others are the uncool group. It breaks. my heart, too, and I see it every day because I work in the school.

I think the best thing is not to build it up into something bigger (as us mums tend to do!) and give it time. On days like today spoil him doing extra fun stuff together and just reassure him that groups ebb and flow and he will find his tribe. Just be patient.

It really upset me when it happened.. how at this age some kids self define themselves as the 'cool ones' & your kids as 'not cool'.. it's a jungle out there!!! I'm glad my kids are not like me though. They are not prepared to change their very essence which is great. I remember it happening to me & doing whatever it took to be in that 'cool group'.. it led to me doing less well than I should have at school, misspent (but fun!) youth & I'm not in touch with a single one of them now..

@TeenDivided I understand that. I have a a daughter in year 10, although she still has her primary friends. He does too to a certain extent, it seems to be more the fact that when the newer ones are in the box he gets discarded by the older ones.

I do speak to him all the time about other friendships and he's really open to hooking up with new people but as I mentioned they all seem to have their own friendship groups which makes it harder.

@purplerain100 I remember it well from high school. I wasn't a cool kid in any way shape of form. I wore hand me downs and was the kid in cookery class whose parent couldn't afford the ingredients, but I was lucky to have a few likeminded friends. I did all the things I thought necessary to be cool but like you I let my education slip as back then it was seen as nerdy being a good kids with good grades I got bullied. Same here, I've not seen one single person since leaving school although Im sure their all lovely with their own insecurities now 🤪

Unfortunately it sounds like he's drifted apart from his primary friends, but he doesn't quite want to accept this.

He does need to try to make other friends - agree the idea of making friends through clubs (and even friends not at his school) is a good one.
Year 7 friendship groups are absolutely not rigidly formed - many will have gravitated towards those who are "there" or who they already know and will be looking to change up those friendship groups and make more lasting friends who they actually have more in common with, and who might endure.

Some children keep primary friends - my daughter has, although she found them again in Year 10 after very much growing apart in Year 7, rather than keeping them all the way through.
My son's lasting friendship group was formed in Year 9/10. he spent Year 7 and 8 flitting between different friends.

Does your son invite others to do things? Especially those who are not in the group excluding him. Or is he waiting for others to include him?