Toddler rejecting me

[Daffydaff]

Hello all, advice needed please!

I recently gave birth to my second child (two weeks ago). I have a 22 month old also. My issue is that I feel my toddler has started to reject me in favour of her dad, and what with the hormones and general post-birth vulnerability I'm not sure what's normal or how to get through this. My heart is breaking!

Some context - my DP spends time overseas so I've been solo parenting for much of the past 20 months. When he returned a few months back I stepped back a little so that they a chance to reconnect (and I admit that it was nice to rely on him but maybe I took my foot off the pedal, relied on him too much to do all the nursery runs and bedtimes and fun stuff). I also started a job in August that took up a lot of my time, and while it didn't noticeably impact while I was solo, when my DP returned I fell back into my old 'workaholic' mindset which I'm now feeling guilty about. And of course, I now have a newborn and have been distracted and tired in the run up and of course aftermath of giving birth!

In the first week after returning with the newborn she was fine, everything was good, we made sure to involve her and I tried to maintain normality as much as possible, and I certainly didn't feel this disconnect. However, in the past week something has just changed. She doesn't smile when she sees me, rarely comes to me for cuddles, and when she does it's almost as an obligation. She has transferred all of her affection on to her dad, which I was fine with before the baby blues took hold and I got overly sensitive! Her eyes light up when she sees him, she launches herself into cuddles, and follows him around. Even just now as I sit in our bedroom writing this, he brings her in 'to see mummy' and she just cried and turned away and wanted to leave the room. I feel so miserable.

I'm trying not to make myself sound like an idiot. I know she's not yet two, and I'm a grown woman, and that she's adapting to new situations, but... this is so hard! My DP and I are making every effort to maintain normality and show a united front, and we share time with our newborn so the toddler doesn't get used to just one parent holding her.

I guess I'm after advice or reassurance that this will pass. I'm becoming over sensitive, resentful of the time I need to spend with my newborn, and second guessing my interactions with my toddler - no longer being funny or goofy but struggling to remember how we were before this started happening.

Please be kind, I'm struggling a little with this right now and can't see the wood for the trees.

Aww congratulations on your new baby.

I think you've said it yourself - she's not even 2 yet and her world has been turned upside down a few times already with her dad being away and then coming back, you starting working and now a new baby. This really isn't a dig at you by the way - little kids are very resilient and it's really clear that she's got a huge amount of love in her life - but those changes will have an impact. I think it's normal for her to turn to her dad at the moment. But the other thing about little kids is they are very fickle. She loves you, you are her whole world really and I bet it won't be long before you're her favourite again ❤️

Be kind to yourself too. It's a big change for everyone to adapt to. I found going from 1 to 2 kids as hard as none to 1!

Ah thank you for your wise and kind words. You're right, I just need to be patient, which is not one of my strengths to be fair. I'm so tired at the moment that I have to stop myself from reverting to some childish strop myself. Calm environment and lots of love and acceptance is what she needs. Thanks again.

And yes! One to two has (so far) been way harder, which I had not envisaged 🥴

That must be heart breaking especially since for a few months you raised her on your own. Try to look at it positively, having a loving relationship with their father is very good long term for little girls. It's amazing that she could have that with her father.
You could slowly build back that relationship with her again. Perhaps you and your husband could swap some tasks he take the baby and you your toddler. You could take her out just you and her and do something that she loves together that might help.
If she's playing you can join in sensitively and follow her lead. If she's drawing you draw with her eventually she may ask you to sit down make you a cup of tea or order something in her restaurant.

In my experience, toddlers go through many, inexplicable, seemingly fickle phases where they “prefer” one parent to the other. Wait it out. She’ll be back! In the meantime, continue to show her affection but don’t insist on it in return, and enjoy your new baby - congrats!

Thanks @Kamia and yes, her relationship with her dad was something I was so focused on for this very reason! Maybe I forgot my own relationship though in the process

Good tips with the swapping of tasks. We've started that, but I'm a bit limited as I'm breastfeeding so always need to be relatively close to my little boob monster! But we'll make some plans around this. Getting back to fun things will be important.

Thanks @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers - I've been expecting various toddler phases (including this one) but I think my post-natal paranoia makes me worried that this won't be a phase :(

But all sound advice so far, and your point about not insisting on her affection is important for me to remember. Yesterday I felt like a toddler myself with how I reacted to the rejection, I stomped off to have a good cry. Need to work on this but I'm so bloody tired 😪

Thanks again

I’m going through this right now with my toddler too. It’s so hard and I completely get what you mean about wanting to cry, and finding it very hard to be natural and upbeat.
It’s comforting to know someone else’s feeling the same way…

I’m raising my daughter on my own and she’s OK with me when it’s just the two of us (although she’s not coming to me for cuddles much). Her preferred person right now is her childminder - she’s excited to go with her in the morning and cries when I pick her up. It’s breaking my heart and at the same time, I feel ridiculous because I’m the grown up and she is two. Praying it is a phase!!

@Wineismysaviour1

Sorry for such a delayed reply! I'm sorry you're going through this too, although yes, oddly comforting to know someone else is dealing with these feelings too :(

I've been trying to maintain normality and a happy disposition but bloody hell it's hard. I feel like I've become just the person who lifts her up, gives her food, and enforces tooth brushing. She cuddles me like I used to cuddle my distant relatives as a child - obliged but with as little affection as possible. It's almost like I've forgotten how to be her mum, I don't feel like I'm being natural with her, like I'm trying too hard! "Please like me "

I know what you mean about feeling ridiculous too - I'm ashamed at my toddler-esque tantrums in moments of fatigue! But it's so so hard, even though I know the rationale behind it. I know it's a phase but in my sleep addled brain I do fear that it's the start of a slippery slope - I'm not hugely close with my mum, what if I've inadvertently recreated the same relationship with my daughter!

(Can you tell that I'm sleep deprived and over thinking?!)

Anyway, hope things work out with your little one, and she returns to you for those cuddles!

Hey OP, how did you get on with this? Could have written every word of this myself because I’m in the exact same situation with my 23 month old and 6 week old. Would love to hear how things are going for you and your family a few months on?

@Mugascauld

Ah, congratulations on your recent arrival!

If it helps with your concerns, everything calmed down in our house after a few weeks; a few blips here and there but eventually my hormones had subsided enough for me to be more rational. I carried on trying to give lots of love and laughter and I made sure to include her as much as possible. She soon started to copy what I was doing with her doll, putting nappies on it and so on, so I encouraged that as she could do it at the same time as me.

A large part was me and my interpretation of it. It's so hard when your hormones are raging and your sleep becomes broken again... When I got upset I just learnt to breathe and smile and repeat "I am the adult" through gritted teeth like a mantra. That helped put things into perspective

Our bond is completely back to normal :)

(Now, the bond between her and her baby sister on the other hand... that's for another thread! She shows more affection to the doll! But I'm sure that will come in time too)

Good luck. And keep us posted if you want too!

I’m also struggling with this (as mother of a 21m and a 9m). Feeling so envious of my husband for being the toddler’s preferred parent that it is starting to affect our marriage!

I’ve made a real effort to spend 1-on-1 playtime with the toddler and that’s helping quite a bit. Of course now my husband complains that he’s being denied access! Who’d have imagined that I’d be nearly 40 and competing with my partner for the affection of a toddler wearing a nappy!