Post natal depression second child

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I'm writing this after seeing my friend for a drink. She's the first person in over a year who's really asked how I've been. I had my second baby 16 months ago, with exactly a 2 year age gap from my eldest. I think I'm only just realising maybe I had some kind of post natal depression after the birth of my second baby. I've been putting the photo album together of his first year and realising that I don't remember much of that year, and certainly the memories aren't happy. I see my friends with young babies and think I don't remember feeling that joy with him at that age. All I remember is stress, tiredness and worry (about both kids). I can't seem to look back on photos of me with him and feel any joy at all. Maybe the age gap was too small, when I look at photos I also feel guilty about the fact that my eldest was still a baby really, he'd just turned two when his brother was born.

I feel awful because now when I'm with my youngest (he's now 16 months) I'm just so happy to be with him and enjoy our time so much. Why didn't I feel this way when he was a little baby?

Has anyone else had this feeling? Noone would have known I felt bad and my friend this evening is the first person I've admitted it to, even though my partner and I have a great relationship, and I'm very close with my mum and sister.

Thanks if you've read this far!

It is quite a small age gap. When you’re in the throws of sleep deprivation and exhaustion and massive life adjusting it’s hard to assess whether things feel crap because they are just hard, or because you’re depressed, or both. How do you feel now? Don’t compare yourself to friends, you may only be seeing the highlights. They may be covering up how they’re really feeling just like you did. Try not to feel guilty for how you felt in the first year, your kids won’t remember and the happy memories can start now! I’ve got 10 month old twins and I’ve pretty much blocked out the last 10 months…. Self preservation!!

OP big unMumsnetty hugs for you. I had PND with youngest too and mine are exactly 2 years apart. Like you I don't remember much and used to feel dead inside. It was an existential crisis really, brought on my various things and overwhelmingly guilt and sleep deprivation. It was awful and I wish I could have enjoyed those years more. I'm such a happy bunny normally (and am again now) but it took me a couple of years to feel like my old self. Today my DDs and I are as close as we could be; in our own happy bubble. It's entirely possible that you had PND and managed to soldier on silently. I'm really close with my mum and sister but only really told my ex-DH. I was paranoid I'd have my DC taken off me because of my PND. It's just a madness that women are expected to sail through the childbearing/childrearing years with a smile on our faces. It's really bloody hard on your mind and body, felt like I aged 10 years overnight. But sounds like you're raising two wonderful DC and my best advice would be to turn all the love and care you give to others onto yourself. Lastly, WELL DONE. Congratulations on getting through all that. You're amazing xx

Thank you for your reply @ReeseWitherfork . I feel good now, I think that's why I'm now looking back and realising I wasn't really ok. It's only since the youngest turned a year that I've felt really joy and happiness about him being here, which is an awful thing to say I know. I always loved and cared for him but it felt like a chore and a stressful thing to manage. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time to anyone, not even my family with whom I'm very close. I just really hope it doesn't somehow affect him as he gets older!

I don't know how you've done it with twins! Well done to you, it must be so so hard.

Thank you @anonzzzzzzzzzzzzz , your message had made me feel like you really understand exactly how I feel. I feel for the first year of my youngest's life I was just a bit dead inside. Going through the motions and keeping everyone alive but that was it. I guess I must be on the other side of it now but I'm just feeling a big sadness like I missed out on my youngest being a baby. I didn't enjoy it at all.

It's the contrast with now, where I'm so happy to be with him and watch him grow, which puts it into stark relief for me. I didn't feel this at all when he was younger. I'm sure this is a normal thing, but no-one ever spoke to me about this at all!

I'm glad you're doing better now! Thanks for your message xx