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Parenting

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Original poster

DH not helping with baby

10 replies

cluelessFTMhere · 03/02/2023 18:50

AIBU DH works 5-6 days a week from 7:30am to roughly 5pm and 9:09am-4:00pm weekends. When home from work DH very rarely helps with 6mo DS don't feed, bath or get him ready for bed. When I ask for help majority of the time I get the response of 'I've been working all day'. I'm still on mat leave but due to go back to work very soon, worried I will end up working and looking after baby on my own (I'm going back part time)I love doing bath/feeds etc but sometimes you just need that break. DH gets to lay in until 10/11am every Sunday where as I'm up with DS 7am everyday. Feel like if I ever bring it up money because the topic as he is the bread winner. Do I just need to get on with it or am I being unreasonable. I feel bad for my son who doesn't get to have that quality time with his dad

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crazymuseummum · 03/02/2023 18:55

You're not being unreasonable at all. The answer to 'I've been at work all day' is 'So have I, caring for our child'. Parenting is 24/7, you don't get time off just because you also go out to work. Outside his working hours, he should be taking at least 50% of the load.

Do you feel he's bonded with your son at all? It might be - and this is only a suggestion I've heard - that he sees you doing such a great job, and doesn't feel he's got anything to contribute. You need to make clear to him that you need support to raise your child together.

Best of luck xx

DragonbornMum · 03/02/2023 19:02

No you're not being unreasonable. My husband works 5 days a week plus every other weekend (so often 12 days straight) of manual labour, and would often offer help with our son when he was a baby. He wants to spend time with him and look after him.

bussteward · 03/02/2023 19:05

You’ve been working all day too! In his world, he works all day then gets a break and his own time, while you work all day then all evening too with no break. And why the fuck is he getting a lie-in?!

Force the issue. Put DS in with him on a Sunday so he gets up. Hand him DS at 5pm on a weekday and go out.

Sick of all these lazy men!

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Businessflake · 03/02/2023 19:25

I’d be more worried that he doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with his child.

He’s not going to change so please don’t have any more kids with him.

Sleepless1096 · 03/02/2023 19:26

YANBU but changing someone's mindset when they think looking after children is some kind of female hobby (which they therefore don't have to help with) is an uphill task. Eventually you give up trying and settle down to being a little team of you and the DC because you're sick to death of trying to get your partner to realise that they're wonderful little people worthy of his time and input, not just tedious annoyances to be offloaded onto the other parent if possible. And that you as main carer will be a better parent if you have sufficient R&R. And then your relationship fizzles out slowly as the resentment becomes too much.

I speak from bitter experience unfortunately.

bakewellbride · 03/02/2023 19:26

What job does he do exactly?

Dh is a paramedic, his job is hell sometimes. He's under enormous pressure and one wrong move and someone could die. He also does hideous shifts that exhaust him e.g 2am finishes.

The minute he gets home from work he does whatever needs doing with the baby and our eldest. I try to get him to relax but he won't hear of it and insists on doing as much as he can.

A job is no excuse, your dh is just being lazy and a crap dad. Either that or he's just not feeling confident at doing baby stuff but too embarrassed to admit it (not that that's an excuse). Whatever the reason he needs to step up.

YOU work 24/7. Babies are hard. He needs to realise this.

dormouses · 03/02/2023 19:29

Agree I would be worried he's not properly bonded with his DC if he doesn't want to spend time caring for them.

Does he lack confidence? Has he spent time alone with DC?

You need to tell him to step up.

Original poster

cluelessFTMhere · 03/02/2023 19:36

I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. He works as an electrician. When he gets home he always comes to pick DS up but then soon puts him down to get a shower. He’s not had to look after DS for more than a couple of hours on his own and when he does I feel I have to tell him exactly what to do otherwise he would be clueless. if I were to leave him on his own for a day he would go to his mums.

OP posts:

HazardaGuest · 03/02/2023 19:39

This is so depressing to hear, why don’t dads want to spend time with their children? You really need to nip it in the bud or as you say you will end up working and doing all the caring too. Sit him down and explain you are busy full time with a child and he needs to take his turn so you can also get a break.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2023 19:41

Take the advice of not having another child with this man very, very seriously. You will probably end up as a single mum because this situation isn't tenable. His lack of respect for you and your resentment is going to kill this marriage.

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