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Managing conflict between 6 year old and 3 year old

7 replies

givemushypeasachance · 03/02/2023 15:25

I help out with my friends' kids pretty regularly - two boys, 6.5 and 3 years old. Most of the time one or both of their parents are around as well, but I'll take the 6.5 year old out for an afternoon or have him for a day in the holidays, and I get on fine with that. Sometimes I'll take the 3 year old to the park, or it's just him at home and playing or crafting or whatever with just him is also all good. But I do struggle to manage both of them by myself when that arises - for example if I'm helping their mum out and she's cooking dinner downstairs, and I'm supervising them both playing together upstairs. It always seems to end in tears every 10-15 minutes.

Obviously conflict is to be expected - they're both learning about how to manage socially, and give-and-take. But does anyone have any tips? Sometimes they play together nicely for a bit, but the 6 year old comes up with complicated rules for games which the 3 year old doesn't follow, or just spends the whole time bossing his brother around, and then there's shouting and screaming and "you can't play with XYZ anymore you're doing it wrong". I try to explain that the younger one doesn't understand complicated instructions, he won't want to play if you just boss him around, how would you feel if someone said you were playing wrong, and so on, but the older one is very literal and wants his own way - not doing what he says is not doing it right. I guess it's a case of repeat repeat repeat?

Also the 3 year old who has zero self of self-preservation will just careen around and hurt himself when they're playing physical games, despite trying to make the environment safe he just runs into doorframes or trips over or whatever and boom there's tears again. They hype each other up and many games seem to involve running around crashing into each other and wrestling on the floor. I don't want to spout cliches but it seems a very 'boyish' sibling relationship!

Does it get any easier? Watching them I'm always on edge waiting for the next bout of shouting and tears!

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PeekAtYou · 03/02/2023 15:32

Physical games when there's a massive size difference will never end well. They need to save the rough and tumble for their similar sized friends.
Would the 6 year old wrestle a random boy from nursery ? That's what him wrestling his brother is like. Even if he doesn't mean to hurt his brother, as the physically bigger child it's much more likely that he will hurt his brother and get into trouble even if his brother initiated the wrestling. My older son stopped wrestling his siblings when he realised that he was the one who'd probably end up in trouble or feeling guilty for hurting a younger sibling.
Since you're the baby sitter I think it's fine to have a no wrestling rule. School friends mums and the school playground wouldn't allow it and I'd say your role was similar. If one of the kids got seriously hurt (say broken bone) then you'll feel so guilty.

Aixellency · 03/02/2023 15:37

This doesn’t sound like paid babysitting! Is your friend reciprocating in some way for all the time and effort you’re expending on her children?

(Might be different if it were a family member, of course.)

givemushypeasachance · 03/02/2023 15:41

@PeekAtYou on the physical games front I probably should have mentioned that the 6 year old is small for his age - short and light - while the 3 year old is a sturdy toddler build. So there isn't actually a massive disparity in size, the younger one can haul his big brother around. Not that I want to encourage that! I would very much like a no wrestling rule, I pretty much try to break it up whenever it starts. But they find endlessly inventive ways to accidentally risk life and limb - like running around with cardboard boxes on their heads, or both crawling into the same sleeping bag and pretending to be a caterpillar, one dragging the other like a weird pantomine horse, or bashing and crashing about inside a pop-up tent pulling in different directions (apparently this is 'the most fun ever' hmm).

The 6 year old will claim they're allowed to do all these things, which I'm dubious about. I should probably get more of a strict persona going and say well I'm not your dad and until he confirms to me you're allowed, I say no it's not safe!

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givemushypeasachance · 03/02/2023 15:44

@Aixellency it's not paid babysitting no, I'm a longterm family friend who lived with them at university many moons ago, and they need extra pairs of hands around as don't have any family locally, they're always run ragged with non sleeping toddlers and a backlog of jobs to do. If I want to see them, and not just go over there and sit on the sofa watching as they try to catch up on chores and child wrangling, I figured it was kinder to help out!

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TeenDivided · 03/02/2023 15:46

I think if you are the responsible adult it is fine for you to ban things you don't want to take responsibility for like play fighting.

UniversalTruth · 03/02/2023 16:20

Agree, if you're in place of parent for the times you're upstairs then you get in impose your own rules - my tip for this is to explain the rules using "I" - for example, "new rule today, no running games as I'm too worried that one of you will get hurt".

You need to have a suggestion of what to do instead though.

Things that might work for both these ages

  • Separate games - you play eg. board game with older child whilst younger child does stickers/colouring
  • Both do some preschooler level art from You Tube eg. This
  • dress up games
  • read a book
  • listen to audio story podcast
  • short Orchard Games game appropriate for 3yos
UniversalTruth · 03/02/2023 16:23

Actually my main tip is to take them outside on a walk 😂

I-spy sheets are good for motivating small ones, or go somewhere they can kick a ball to each other

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