Relationship not going to work

[KellyJean1996]

I need some advice. My relationship is completely broken.

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and my bf is only interested in his mum, brothers and sisters opinion on the pregnancy. He keeps talking about how much he wants them involved and that his happiness lies with their happiness. The family doenst know yet and he is ruining my happiness everyday talking about his mum and sisters future wants for the baby, ignoring any of my wants and desires for this baby. He wont even touch the bump, Only comments on how much my boobs have grown.
the thing is his family only call him for money or to get in the way of our plans. they never come to visit us, we always have to visit them which is a 250mile round trip, with ny child from a previous marriage who is disabled. I know she isn't their child but why do we have to go to them all the time spending hours in a car and paying for the fuel? why cant he accept that they have to come to us?
The childhood he had wasnt the best with his mum who was abusive and now they fail to have healthy boundaries. the mum always has excuses she cant come yet drives everywhere else for pleasure and is just all round selfish but he wont accept it. once baby is here i know she will want to come and stay and be here at her convenience disregarding my plans/ wants like she has done with her 2 daughters and grandchildren- not that she has a relationship with either grandchild just sees them as babies post pics and dumps them for her own boyfriends all the time. Bf acts like a child still wanting to tell his mummy yet his mums strange needs to be told everything and will give her advice or buy stuff to say shes done it. Its weird its quite passively manipulative really.
My rules as a parent will not be respected and his answer to that is that they are granparents/ family so have the right to say what they like about my baby, parenting, body etc.
I think he needs to grow up and stop the selfish, controlling mothers relationship continue in this manner, yet he wont do it even when faced with me leaving him.

what do i do?
Am i wrong for asking to be respected by his family as I am expected to respect them?
i know its his family, but it wont be his problem he will side with them on everything and try and gang up on me with them, i can already see it as he will never disagree with mum.

do i just cut my loses and leave now? ive spoken to him repeatedly about this for months and he plays it like im the horrible controlling person. not seeing how he is forcing me to do things i dont want to. i am expected to do what he says when he says and if i dont he constantly accuses me of cheating and the baby not being his and threatens to leave

i wish he would just leave and take them with. i dont have the energy for this fight and genuinely worry about stress causing problems or post natal depression

thanks!

I am so sorry you’re going through this, especially at a time which is supposed to be happy! He is extremely manipulative and the controlling behaviours and enmeshment won’t improve. Believe me I’m speaking from experience, and you won’t end up in family court vs one person, it will be an entire family. I know this isn’t nice to hear but 13 weeks isn’t too late to change your mind.

please speak to your midwife or woman’s aid if you feel comfortable they could be a massive source of support. Have a strong feeling this is just the beginning for you and it’s better to get out asap, he won’t change, not for the better anyway x

Just to add you are not wrong at all, you have every right to be respected included your decisions and your parenting.

Why are you having a child with this man? It doesn't really sound like you're in a respectful relationship.

This man won't change and 13 weeks isn't too early to consider termination. I wouldn't want this as a future for my unborn being tied with this man. The unborn doesn't deserve this as well as you and your current dc. Please don't trap yourself in this relationship, you deserve so much better.

because for the past 4 years hes not been like this much. He tells his family things i ask him not to such as houses were looking to buy( theyre judgey and will turn up just to see what hes got not to see him), my new salary or other bits ive been able to get over. his mothers always been manipulative and selfish but now he's mirroring her more than ever and im scard ill have to coparent around them and things like not returning the baby will happen

Thank you. I knew i wasnt going crazy. Hes trying to convince me im crazy and nasty due to being hormonal and that everyone would say im the problem if i spoke to anyone.

ill speak to my gp to see if theres anything i can do. Im scared of having a termination.

to add im scared of the abortion itself not his reaction to it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your bf's behaviour is a strange as it is unacceptable. His family seems to have some kind of complete control over him, which he is seeking to extend to you. It's bizarre and off the scale toxic. You have to split from this controlling man asap, termination or not.

Please do speak to your GP regarding your options. You have some big decisions to make. You need to make a proper informed decision.
I would seriously reconsider making any life with this family.

I understand you but think of how your life would be once you have your baby in your arms. You will forever tied to them even if you split one way or another. This family sounds like a nightmare, they will trigger pnd. If your dp was a decent person that respected you and your families boundary and protected you then his family wouldn't be a problem but you have a dp problem here. This shouldn't be the start of your unborn's life, your unborn's life should start in a home where the parents love and respect each other. I grew up in a family like your dp's and the potential life your planning for your unborn. It's very damaging to see your mum being disrespected, not protected. We were never loved by dads family and he used to force us to go to my aunts and grandmas who were very hostile to us and my mum. They consumed my mother so much with their toxicity that she never had the opportunity to focus on us and parent us, she was always depressed. The arguments, the screaming, the financial abuse where my dad never financially looked after us because he was sending money to his parents, his siblings. We were never his priority. 40 years later my mum is experiencing illness after illness, broken beyond repair living with a bag full of medicine with adult kids that have self confidence issues and other mh issues only because my mum stayed in this marriage with my father. Please don't do this op to yourself and your unborn 🙏