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Original poster

Relationship after baby

13 replies

MamaMiaOhDear · 01/02/2023 21:42

I guess this is just a really open ended question/conversation starter, but what were your relationships like with your partner once you had children?

My baby is almost 8 months old and I'm looking for a little perspective or advice around shared experiences of this time in your lives.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaMiaOhDear · 01/02/2023 23:53

I guess the point of my post is that I'm feeling a little lost within my relationship at the moment... disconnected from my partner.

It's not that we are arguing or being unkind to one another in anyway. More that feeling of being disconnected and just existing along side one another with a baby in between us as a shared interest.

Our baby is generally very easy to care for and we both take an equal role in parenting

OP posts:
catsnore · 02/02/2023 05:22

It takes a while to find each other again! The early years are intense but once they are a bit older you start to feel like you have your old life back. I'd say things start to get better after they turn 1?

Original poster
MamaMiaOhDear · 02/02/2023 08:57

@catsnore thanks for your reply. That's my hope I think, that eventually we will connect a little better again. I feel like we're just housemates at the moment.

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fairgame84 · 02/02/2023 09:00

Our relationship is at rock bottom at the moment. DD is 4 months. I don't know if I've maybe got a bit of pnd but things between me and DH are shit. We're more like housemates than spouses.

catsnore · 02/02/2023 09:42

I found there was a tricky patch in the toddler years too. When you are both back at work but spend all evening getting a small mobile terrorist into bed. They are always ill/up in the night. Constant competition between you about who is more tired.

I never understood before why couples break up after having a baby - I had always assumed it would make them closer. What an idiot 😂

Original poster
MamaMiaOhDear · 02/02/2023 10:37

@fairgame84 the housemate thing really resonates with me, it's so crap.

Like after he's home from work we play/feed/bath baby sharing the tasks out or doing them together. One cooks one cleans up after. Then once baby is in bed we barely speak to one another.

I can't get my head around why I feel so disconnected and distant. I mean intimacy is none existent right now and we're not generally affectionate people otherwise. Perhaps that's why

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaMiaOhDear · 02/02/2023 10:40

catsnore · 02/02/2023 09:42

I found there was a tricky patch in the toddler years too. When you are both back at work but spend all evening getting a small mobile terrorist into bed. They are always ill/up in the night. Constant competition between you about who is more tired.

I never understood before why couples break up after having a baby - I had always assumed it would make them closer. What an idiot 😂

@catsnore so if we survive this there's more? 😅☠

Your comments are helpful though thank you. It's good to see someone who's come out the other side and can see the humour in it all. It's hard to know whether the relationship has run its course or whether it's just a bumpy patch

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/02/2023 10:42

Its a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of things that your child is the total point of attention for both of you- its actually how it should be.

Soapnotshowergel · 02/02/2023 11:02

I know a few couples that have split up in the first year or so of their babies life. It is bloody hard going.

We found the adjustment to be difficult after DC1 - not aided by a non sleeping dictator baby, a traumatic birth and very little help from family to give us any time to us as a couple. We ended up having a massive row and agreed to stop having "who is the most tired" competitions, DH took over bedtime one night so I could get out to an exercise class and get some time to be "me", we both made more of an effort to be affectionate with each other, we'd open a bottle of wine and have music on over dinner of a Saturday night rather than watching TV. The key thing is that we both wanted to change and we were both miserable and didn't want to be miserable any more.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 02/02/2023 11:38

I was SO resentful of DH when I had DD. I would boil with rage at how he could just walk off the the loo without thinking about DD. Learning the hard way about default parenting, at that age anyway. And DH was incredibly hands on and picked up all the slack I dropped so I could breastfeed and recover. But overall their brains are just wired differently. I would feel very trapped, and really upset that when he went to work, he got to 'escape'.
We absolutely were snappy....me more than him tbh. I would be angry he couldnt read my mind or interpret my vague instructions at 2am during baby teething meltdowns.
We would remind ourselves that our marriage is for life, and the baby years are temporary.
Once DD started nursery we started taking days off work to spend together. This was lifesaving tbh. Just being able to go out as two adults - not mum and dad. We would go to adult restaurants for lunch and walk around talking uninterrupted.

Bumble84 · 02/02/2023 11:42

I can relate. We have 2 now and we’re definitely more roommates than husband and wife. I’m not overly worried about it but at the same time would love to get back to ‘us’ problem is by the time the kids are in bed I’m so tired I can’t even really be bothered talking

CoalCraft · 02/02/2023 12:48

DH and I have remained fairly close through our two kids (currently six months and two years). The first six weeks or so after the births we didn't see much of each other but still made sure to have a bit of a cuddle at night, and thereafter we've made sure to hang out and do things together at least two or things evenings a week. We laugh and have fun together, and we manage to squeeze in some sex like once a fortnight or something. It's not exciting at all and I wouldn't say there's much romance, but we're comfortable and happy in each other's company.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 02/02/2023 13:09

Oh I was also totally touched out and couldnt bear to be cuddled or kissed, which was hard for him!

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