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Original poster

This feels like financial abuse, how is it legal?

91 replies

Hirtui · 01/02/2023 12:12

i am in a good career but working my way up so still on a low ish salary. The career has lots to go at though and I invested a lot of money in uni courses to get here.

my ex partner is ten years older and established in the same industry and earning 100k. He is refusing maintenance and now has taken a sabbatical for 12 months, due to start in a month which is two months before I am due to go back to work. I literally cannot afford to go back to work with the childcare costs. I am not eligible for help and my rent is as cheap as can be for the area. I am stuck. I am devastated as I will be able to re join the career at a later date but my career will also be extremely damaged by taking time out, not to mention I have no idea what other work I will now do, probably nothing? Am I supposed to get a loan out while our child’s father keeps his money? It feels like financial abuse and yet this is legal?

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 01/02/2023 12:13

Have you made a claim through the CMS?

Catisasleep · 01/02/2023 12:14

I don’t think it’s financial abuse as you’re no longer in a relationship but yes, you need to make a CMS claim

Original poster
Hirtui · 01/02/2023 12:14

@MelchiorsMistress yes. It won’t be set up in time before his sabbatical so this month gets logged as arrears for when he may decide to return to work.

OP posts:

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Original poster
Hirtui · 01/02/2023 12:15

@Catisasleep i have done, that’s my point. He will now disappear with no obligation.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 12:18

12 months? My ex hasn’t paid maintenance in 6 years! no it’s not considered abuse as annoying as it is.

GoodChat · 01/02/2023 12:18

Apply for universal credit

TigerTea1 · 01/02/2023 12:19

I understand when you worried it can be difficult to take a wider view of the situation but if his sabbatical is for a year it’s likely you will only need to take a year out. Could you look at working pt and using a childminder to keep costs low?

Original poster
Hirtui · 01/02/2023 12:23

im just amazed that as her father he is not obliged to pay half her childcare?! Even if that’s ‘how it is,’ it shouldn’t be.

I do consider it abuse as he has an obligation to his daughter and my life and future is now impacted greatly because he is not meeting those obligations.

the public should not be funding my life via benefits or universal credit because my daughter’s father thinks he can have a baby and not pay for their care.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 01/02/2023 12:25

You're right, it shouldn't be this way. But if you chose to be an absolute waster of a parent you could do the same as him. The difference is you're a decent person so please take the support than you're entitled to.

monitor1 · 01/02/2023 12:26

Were you married and if so what did you get in the divorce? Sorry to sound harsh but this is why women shouldn't get pregnant without being married/in a civil partnership, if they are the lower earner. It is so frustrating how many women will bear a wastrel's child with no protection. doesn't help now but maybe someone else will see your thread and protect themself.

Clymene · 01/02/2023 12:31

I agree with you. It should be treated in exactly the same way as someone who gives all their assets to their kids to avoid inheritance tax.

Unfortunately the government are much more enthusiastic about getting their money than they are about ensuring deadbeat dads support their children.

CordeliaNaismithVorkosigan · 01/02/2023 12:31

If he's on sabbatical he could look after her. Childcare is not your responsibility alone.

Wailywailywaily · 01/02/2023 12:32

You may not like this idea but what about 50/50 parenting? That way he will have to either look after her or pay childcare for at least 50% of the time. If he has taken a year out it shouldn’t be a problem for him.

daretodenim · 01/02/2023 12:34

GoodChat · 01/02/2023 12:25

You're right, it shouldn't be this way. But if you chose to be an absolute waster of a parent you could do the same as him. The difference is you're a decent person so please take the support than you're entitled to.

Actually no. In many cases like this if the mother behaved exactly the same as the father (and I use that term loosely), she'd be done for neglect.

Our country and many others run on the basis that the mother takes responsibility always. It does not run on each parent being jointly liable.

OP I agree it's abuse. Not legally, but the law is a poor representation of fairness or what is/isn't abuse when it comes to mothers and dickhead "dads".

I don't know what to suggest, it's despicable. I'm sorry.

GoodChat · 01/02/2023 12:38

@daretodenim no, if she wanted to do the same as him she'd surrender her child to the authorities or another family member and quit her job and not have to pay a penny.

BrassMarbles · 01/02/2023 12:39

You can seek a mandatory reconsideration based on his lifestyle. Cms isn't always based on current income (it's actually based on previous year's declared income). However paying parent can request a mandatory reconsideration if their income reduces by more than 25%. But, resident parents can also request one. I am going through this for the second time at the moment but the first time I took cms to tribunal and won. Its worth fighting for, it's your child's right to financial support from both parents.

sjxoxo · 01/02/2023 12:39

The suggestion of 50:50 custody is a good idea.. if you could do that then I would take it. You could say well you can’t pay so naturally if you’re off work you will be doing some childcare?? And sort of throw the assumption on him. Or can you say seeing as he’s off next year he can have full custody if he can’t contribute to childcare, so you can work, and then you can switch back the following year when you take a year off?! Just to scare him not necessarily to actually do it. Might shock him into seeing it’s not just your burden!!

i agree with you that it’s abusive - the system is shit for women and allows men to abandon their kids with no real consequences. The hard truth is that it’s a political choice and one that government won’t change to help women. Sorry you’re facing this. Do you have any family who can help? Or your ex’s family? I’d make it clear to them he’s not contributing to your child and you require support, in any form they can offer. Xxx

SweetSakura · 01/02/2023 12:42

I totally agree with you that it's abusive. And I think it is revolting how many men do this. And how little the system does to stop them.

Do check about entitlement to help though, you may at least get help with childcare costs.

tornadoinsideoutfig · 01/02/2023 12:43

I thought UC paid 85% of childcare costs?

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/02/2023 12:55

He should be paying for childcare on the days he has her.

Original poster
Hirtui · 01/02/2023 13:09

monitor1 · 01/02/2023 12:26

Were you married and if so what did you get in the divorce? Sorry to sound harsh but this is why women shouldn't get pregnant without being married/in a civil partnership, if they are the lower earner. It is so frustrating how many women will bear a wastrel's child with no protection. doesn't help now but maybe someone else will see your thread and protect themself.

@monitor1 or men could just be held accountable

OP posts:
Original poster
Hirtui · 01/02/2023 13:12

@monitor1 the fact I’m obliged to marry a man to have basic rights is absolutely disgusting.

please think about what you’ve said. It’s people like you that stop change happening.

OP posts:
Overgrowngrasslady · 01/02/2023 13:18

But you can’t get blood from a stone, if he doesn’t work he has no income, and cms doesn’t go after savings, if he has any, I think, not as the norm.

why is he taking a year off?

caramelsauce · 01/02/2023 13:20

I agree with you that it is so unfair how men can get away with their responsibilities. You shouldn’t have to be married for protection. As parents you should both have to be accountable for the costs of raising a child.

Baconand · 01/02/2023 13:23

It is morally wrong I quite agree. I’d make sure absolutely everyone he knows- friends/family etc. Shame him. Does he have parents? What do they say on the subject?

If you can find a way to make childcare work to keep you career going I would. The long term benefits will be huge. Have you got family you could live with for a few years so you can save money on living costs?

But you really should have seen this coming when you had a baby without the protection of marriage.

I'm the main earner and so on paper shouldn’t have got married (but I did) so I know we don’t always do the sensible thing. But where the female is the lower earner it is madness to have a child unmarried. It’s a risk that has backfired hugely for you. Marriage and civil partnership exists to protect in these circumstances, you can’t expect legal protection without entering into it first.

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