Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

MIL/DH Family Communication

7 replies

Minnie10q · 31/01/2023 14:08

Hi, I'm sitting her really upset and not ready to talk to husband about it properly incase I say something I regret.

I have recently had a baby and I wasn't quite ready to let him out of my sight with someone other than husband until now. I asked MIL if she wanted to take him for a walk as she had been hinting at it previously but wanted to wait till Baby and I were ready. There was a delay in her getting back to our house (the reason I understood but not the way of communicating) but she phoned my husband to tell him as first point if contact. I am the babies primary care giver at present husband is wfh and it was me who arranged for her to take him a walk not my husband.

I often get annoyed when his family make arrangements to see my other child and don't included me in phone calls/messages etc. I understand they are obviously closer to my husband but I have been part of the family for 15 years and we all get on really well normally. Mil is very kind to me in other ways and never feel excluded usually just when it comes to this area.

My husband works from home normally so he used to pick up our daughter from school and did spend more time at home with her than me. This issue did grate on me previously but I just let it go. But I'm at home now to look after my newborn and my older girl, so should that not make me main point if contact.

I don't want to say anything and spoil what is normally a very good relationship, I have been struggling emotionally and wondering if my reaction is perhaps hormonal and I should just ride it out and let it go? I was actually having a really good week thought I'd started to get over being so tearful, but this has just really upset me and made me angry at mil and dh for facilitating it or not acknowledging my feelings (I told him today I was upset about it and have mentioned it to him previously but he just sweeps it under carpet)

I carried baby for 9 months he's been with me ever since and today was first time I let him out and just feel like I've just been side swept.

I just want to get some options of others before I try to discuss it calming and in detail with Dh, and just make sure I've not totally lost the plot and my feelings are valid?

OP posts:
MaoamAddict · 31/01/2023 14:52

She's messaged her son to see her grandchild, I think you're being very precious and a bit unreasonable. When you're the grandparent, you'll probably want to communicate with your child, not child in-law

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 31/01/2023 14:57

Of course she could communicate with you. I really don't get the whole Mumsnet thing about only communicating through blood relations. I love my DS and DIL dearly but my DIL and I have the closest relationship and it's usually the two of us who liaise about anything to do with the DGC.

sunshineandshowers40 · 31/01/2023 14:57

It depends who made the arrangements. I get frustrated if I have arranged everything with the in-laws and then they cancel or are late and message DH. It's polite to let the person who organised everything know.

If they want to see the DC of course they can and should message DH. TBH I would rather stay out of it. Although mine are older now, with a young baby I would feel different.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
ApolloandDaphne · 31/01/2023 14:57

Your MIL has done nothing wrong. She has communicated with her DS about your child. He was at home so able to let you know what was was happening. It probably just felt more natural for her to contact her son rather than you.

Original poster
Minnie10q · 31/01/2023 15:54

Thanks for your input good to get other opinions, me and my mil have a close relationship so much so we've been on holiday together without dh before my kids came along so perhaps that's why I feel miffed when I'm not I included in arrangements for the children. My dh was at home but he was working, One of the reasons for her taking him a walk at that time was to let me get showered/hair washed etc. husband was complaining he needed to be left alone to get on with work There is another dil with an older grandson and they don't have a great relationship and doesn't get to see grandchild as much as she would like so I have always tried to ensure she Got to spend lots of time with my older child and will be same with this one I just think there should be a bit of appreciation for fact I've not long gave birth and hadn't been away from baby before. Going by what she has told me over the years, when her mil was alive these arrangements would have went through or at the very least included her. I try to make arrangements for the children to see members of husbands family and often then end up messaging/calling husband back, makes me feel like they see husband as main parent and I'm just a b lister in their eyes. As I do have a good relationship with them usually.

OP posts:
Suki2023 · 01/02/2023 17:12

Minnie10q · 31/01/2023 15:54

Thanks for your input good to get other opinions, me and my mil have a close relationship so much so we've been on holiday together without dh before my kids came along so perhaps that's why I feel miffed when I'm not I included in arrangements for the children. My dh was at home but he was working, One of the reasons for her taking him a walk at that time was to let me get showered/hair washed etc. husband was complaining he needed to be left alone to get on with work There is another dil with an older grandson and they don't have a great relationship and doesn't get to see grandchild as much as she would like so I have always tried to ensure she Got to spend lots of time with my older child and will be same with this one I just think there should be a bit of appreciation for fact I've not long gave birth and hadn't been away from baby before. Going by what she has told me over the years, when her mil was alive these arrangements would have went through or at the very least included her. I try to make arrangements for the children to see members of husbands family and often then end up messaging/calling husband back, makes me feel like they see husband as main parent and I'm just a b lister in their eyes. As I do have a good relationship with them usually.

There's so much closeness here is this what hurts? So you've done something hard to do, and takes closeness and trust to leave your son with her and it's that you feel isn't acknowledged? It seems this bond means a lot to you, and you need it to feel reciprocal to feel your child is safe, and you made the right choice.

It all sounds like you need acknowledgement for more than just that communication? Do you want more closeness in general and are feeling the impact of staying home/sacrifices made? You need a mother to recognise you as a mother right now and it sounds like she didn't intend to make you feel dismissed. Maybe this feels bigger than just this example as you're feeling stuff that's bigger? I would say look at the whole way you're feeling at the moment and if this about more than this one event?

chocoholi · 01/02/2023 18:11

Sorry but I would want the communication through me not my husband

My MiL always messages me - always has done though x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page