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Original poster

Child resentment over split

17 replies

AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 06:07

Hi, I'm really struggling with my son's attitude towards myself about me & his dad breaking up. He has some massive anxieties & suspected autism going on.

Every day is a battle. Most days end with him screaming at me that I forced his dad to move out. I forced his dad to only see them once every 2 weeks. I forced his dad not to live with us. I forced his dad not to see them on any of the week days. Etc.

How do I deal with this?
He's 9.
It's really waring me downSad
Last night after 6 & a half hours of violence & anger I snapped & told him that if his dad was so upset at me forcing him to move out then why is he getting married to somebody else? I'M not marrying somebody else, I'M spending every single day & night with my children.

I'm not proud of saying that & of course he didn't really understand anyway, what him marrying somebody else has to do with me forcing him to move out.

I just don't know what to say. I want to help him through this I just don't know how. We have various people involved due to his (my son's) behaviour towards myself & his 6 year old sister but they suggest things like making photos books so he knows we all still love him etc. I've done all that.

How can I fix this? My poor sonSad

My sis used to tell me that once they get older, they will understand that the dad left all the parenting to us & appreciate us more, only her now 18 year old moved out at 15, in with his dad, who barely saw him for his whole childhood, & has only seen her once a week since.

I don't want to lose my son but I don't know how to fix this. Please help.

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 31/01/2023 06:21

When did your ex move out?
DD is 9, she said similar things for a long time (also suspect Autism, I am Autistic). Over and over “Let Daddy move back in”. She wanted things to go back to normal.
I just had to use “broken record” technique with her “Both your Dad and I were very unhappy. I know it’s tough for you but it was bad for you to be around grown ups that were so unhappy”. She has had 1:1 support at school which has helped. I struggle with change because of Autism,she is the same.
It’s been a year now. Last week she said although she hated it at first, she understands why we broke up and she’s happier now. It’s taken a lot to get to that point.

Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 07:00

Thank you for sharing that ThisWormHasTurned. The ending to your post made me smile, what a lovely daughter you have!

Unfortunately we are a lot further down the line than you were. He moved out when my son had just turned 5.

My standard response is 'It wasn't anybody's fault, we love each other very much but living together was making all of us unhappy'.

But it just falls on deaf ears. School says that he's suffering from trauma due to the break up & hardly seeing his dad, but, apart from seeing his dad more, they don't have any solutions for how to help heal the trauma.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 31/01/2023 08:08

Can your son stay with his father every second week?
Maybe he will appreciate his home with you if he stays with his father for more of the school, run-of-the-mill, days.
Perhaps discussion needs to be had between yourself and your husband.

Interested in this thread?

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18 years old 6 year olds 9 year olds Families
Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 08:58

Thanks user1492757084 but his dad really isn't on board. He says 'They always blame the split but it's nothing to do with that'.

And I admit we've had concerns about my son's behaviour since he was 2 hence we are waiting for the ND assessment.

But obviously him getting upset about not seeing his dad & blaming me is sending a very clear message that some of the behaviour, now, is because of this.

Contact is every other Friday I pick them up from school then take them to dad's for tea, then they come home at 10am Sunday, so they get 2 nights, one day.

His dad won't budge on that. He won't do a school morning/tea.

He tells everybody that he 'can't' because of his work, but his work is a very, very flexible 8-4.30 office job. In the 3 years before we had kids he would regularly start early/finish early/work 2 lunches in a row to finish 2 hours early the next day/WFH/he came to all of my MW appointments & made up the time the next day etc.

But apparently he now 'can't'.

Anyway, I don't want to go off on a rant about his dad so, it's just me, I need to navigate this with my son with the contact that we have.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 12:14

Bump.

OP posts:
GenuinelyDone · 31/01/2023 14:08

I haven't been in your position but maybe your narrative of My standard response is 'It wasn't anybody's fault, we love each other very much but living together was making all of us unhappy'. isn't helping because it sends mixed messages.

Try changing it to you both love him dearly but not each other. Back that up with it being why you can't live together and why his dad is marrying someone he does love. I'm just wondering if the "we love each other but weren't happy" is confusing for your son and his confusion comes out as aggressive blame.

In my experience ND can mean seeing things in a very binary way. On/off, hot/cold, in love/not in love. Changing that consistent message may help it click for your son.

Best of luck, I don't envy you going through this.

cestlavielife · 31/01/2023 14:11

Get some family therapy
Have a trained professional to work with your ds and you and his dad

You cannot fix the situation
You can get help to deal with it better

Ask gp for referral and ask school.if they have referral system or linked counsellors
Your ds needs a safe space to vent and rage and be listened to

Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 14:14

Thank you GenuinelyDone I see what you mean with the wording. I will change it around next time.

Last night was something else, he told me 'I know all the arguements were caused by you' which makes me wonder if he's been talking to his dad about it. I never mention arguements to him as he doesn't need to hear about that.

He does see things in a very Black & White way & it's difficult to answer him sometimes as I'm trying to think of the answer which won't set him off again, but then my pause gets him screaming at me 'Aah, see, it's true, you aren't answering for ages because it's true'

Its exhausting.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 31/01/2023 14:14

Sessions with trained therapist were very helpful when dd was about 10 . Differdnt circs but it helped a lot. He needs professionsl support to process this . You need support to handle it.

cestlavielife · 31/01/2023 14:17

Sessions were enlightening in doing things like draw your hpuse snd the prople in draw ypur fsmily tree what s your best saturday look like ?

They were aimed to draw put feelings without being direct but enables child to say "my saturdsys are awful becsuse.... they would be good if xxcc
Where fo i put dad s new wife on s family trree? Where do i fit in?

Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 14:17

cestlavielife There is very little around. School said they don't have anything. I asked 'Mind' & they said they don't have anything.

Myself & the 2 kids have done play therapy & things like that. GP won't talk to me about it at all, they just refer him to emotional well-being who tell us to wait for the assessment.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 14:21

Sorry crossed post cestlavielife It sounds like we've done lots of those things before (but not as a family as his dad won't be involved) my son has done the family tree thing & he's doing emotional literacy at school at the moment. He's also done play therapy by himself at school & the 'feelings' group.

I suppose there would be more available if I could afford to pay for things but I can't, unfortunately, right now.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 31/01/2023 14:28

I guess you need to insist to gp and school he needs more support now via camhs
6.5 hours tell them that
He must be exhausted

Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 14:37

Well yes, cestlavielife. Thank you for answering me.
He's fallen asleep at school a few times as he doesn't stop until 12.30/1am sometimes, & then he goes pretty much unconscious as he's exhausted. He won't eat when he's in a mood so he goes to school hungry.

Everything's just slow at the moment, hence me asking on here. Everybody has these ideas that might help & then I have to try those for a few weeks before they say 'Ok, let's try something else'.

But then they all go home & it's just me & him (& the younger one) and all they seem to come up with for him being upset about his dad is 'Ask him if he can see them more'.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 31/01/2023 14:54

Gp
His anxiety is impacting school
He needs urgent referral
His behaviour impacts his sister
He will get bigger snd stronger snd more dangerous if not addressed

His dad seeing him more will not alter the situation so while nice in theory it wont help him adjust or deal with his feelings

Original poster
AllSheWants · 31/01/2023 15:53

Thank you cestlavielife, I spoke to his support worker earlier & she also said it's time to involve the GP again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllSheWants · 21/02/2023 13:19

The GP couldn't have been less interested. Asked me what I expected him to do & told me all there is to do is wait for the assessment. I stressed that he's missing lessons because he's sleeping at school & he's not sleeping at home because his meltdowns last for hours into the night. Nothing.

Support worker said that's exactly what she thought they'd say.

Anyway, back to the title of the thread. The kids had an extra night with their dad over the half term (thanks to the support worker) completely on his terms, I dropped the kids round after his work day so they were with me until 5.30, back at 8.30 the next morning. (Not great, but still extra time with dad)

However, my son has now made comments about how 'You can't be bothered with us, you have other things to do now & that's why you didn't want us the other night. Dad said, but he told me not to tell you'. And 'You don't love us like you used to that's why you made dad have us an extra night'.

Goodness. I can't do right here, can I?!

OP posts:
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