I want to run away

[stargirl1701]

I've had enough. Truly enough.

DD1 (age 10) is autistic. Every day is a series of battles to try to parent her in THE most basic sense. I gave up on most things years ago.

I had a truly bad day at work today (teacher). I then hit and killed a deer on the way home. My car is wrecked.

DD1 was her usual PITA self. DH was out so it was just me. I properly lost my temper. Probably the first time ever but I'm done. Just done. I screamed at her. DD2 was sobbing. They've never seen me react like this. I'm just done. I have no patience left. I have no anything left.

I don't want to do this anymore. I want to run away with DH and DD2.

I can't keep fighting her over such basic things (brush your teeth, eat some food, drink something, take your medicine, wear some fucking pants). 5 battles. Every fucking day since she was tiny.

I take my ADs (now trying a sixth type), I go to counselling, I exercise, I am trying so hard but this is too hard.

I don’t know how to help but I’m really sorry and it sounds like you’ve had a terrible day. The deer sounds really shocking - so sorry for you (and it, and the DCs).

Thanks @Aldibag

I don't know where to turn for help. We've tried the local and National autistic charities, Occupational Therapy, Speech & Language Therapy, CAMHS, Riding for the Disabled, Local Authority, School, Educational Psychologist, Paediatric Urology Service, GP, Specialist Autistic Dental Hygienist Service...

We follow all of their advice. We've tried every toothbrush, every pair of pants made in the UK, etc. It's still an ongoing daily battle over the same things.

And, this is the 'easy' parenting stage. I will not survive her teenage years. I am broken now.

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. x

I'm not alone

go on like this ASD dd10 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4732120-cant-go-on-like-this-asd-dd10

Does DD have an EHCP?

You say DD has had OT input, but has she been seen by a specialist (an actual specialist rather than an OT who has an interest or claims to be a specialist but doesn’t have to qualifications and experience to back that up) sensory integration OT?

Have you asked for social care assessments?

Have you considered ARFID? And if this is a possibility has DD been referred to a specialist service?

Was the Specialist Autistic Dental Hygienist Service part of the special care community dental service?

Sorry your finding things so hard, do you have a social worker? Would it be possible for you to get respite? I have a foster child who is also 10 and autistic, and regular respite is available for him but not sure if you can get it for your own child. Failing that is there any family/friends who could take your daughter for a night? it sounds like you could really do with a break

This sounds really stressful and I can honestly relate. What I didn't know then but I do now is that I was also peri menopausal which made me more short tempered. I was mid forties. Look after yourself OP and make sure you're getting all the help you can.

We're in Scotland so no EHCP.

We were seen by the local NHS Paediatric OT who specialises in ASD. We also completed the NHS Parent Sensory Course with her. We are still 'on' this service so can use the drop in which runs once a week.

Not considered AFRID. She likes a reasonable range of food for an autistic child. We serve her food in different ramekins so nothing touches. She always has the option of Babybel cheese if she can't eat. She takes a multi vitamin daily. She resents eating as it takes her away from what she wants to do. She gets very angry with her body at needing to pee, poo and eat.

Yes, we see the specialist team at the local NHS Dental Hospital. She is seen once a week.

No, we don't have a social worker. Grandparents are able but live too far away to take her for one night.

I have no menopause symptoms yet! Cycle still 28 days religiously. No hot flashes. 46 next month though...

As you are in Scotland have you spoken to Enquire about getting more support for DD?
 CSPs are the nearest equivalent to an EHCP.

Unless you are very, very lucky the local NHS OT won’t be experts in SIOT. DD needs ongoing direct input from a specialist SIOT.

I would consider asking for a referral to an ARFID service. As the eating and drinking difficulties may well be related to that or another atypical eating disorder.

You should ask for social care assessments too.

I've found the contact info for the Community Care Access Team in my local authority. I will phone to ask about a social care assessment.

Thanks @JustKeepBuilding 😘

Sadly, like lots of things where SEN is concerned, you will probably have to fight for support, but you and DD are entitled to assessments and support, so don’t let them fob you off.

I have an autistic son, not as severely affected as your DD but things were very tough when he was little. DH and I took it in turns to give each other half a day off at weekends - 4 hours to do whatever we liked, while the other one cared for DC. It saved our sanity and our marriage as I was getting increasingly seriously hacked off at DH not pulling his weight.

Then we'd also have a family outing for about four hours. If that wouldn't work for you, maybe you could take turns to do something with DD2 at weekends while the other one has DD1. But do take turns. Don't let your DH be the 'good parent' who always takes DD2 to football or swimming while you yet again are stuck home with DD1.

Honestly don't worry about your meltdown. It is very important that children see that adults are not saints or machines but have emotional needs too. If you screamed every day that might be different but an occasional absolute blinder is human. Give DD2 a cuddle and explain that you were very uspset by the car accident and just couldn;t cope with DD1 being challenging, but it's better now.

I think you need better support. If you told social services that you are on the brink of handing DD over to them as you can no longer parent her without respite, would they listen? Are there any autistic charities in your area or funding bodies that might assist a week of respite with DD in residential care so you can have a breather?

I have found a local Ayres qualified OT and sent off a contact form to her.

I will discuss a CSP with her headteacher and the local authority inclusion team.

Does an AFRID referral go through the GP?

I think the underlying issue is PDA.

no words of wisdom for your home situation, but I do want to say that I don’t under estimate the shock of hitting the deer. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it can understand just how terrifying and catastrophic it is . It’s an appalling impact, and the sense of that being caused by another living being is traumatic. So I’m not surprised that you lost your hard won composure. You could have done with some love and support, even from children.

Im very sorry.

Looking at this via the NHS website and she ticks a lot of criteria.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/arfid/

Thanks @Allthegoodnamesarechosen

I did burst into tears taking to my Dad and then again with DH when he got home.

Before speaking to the school and LA it would be a good idea to read Enquire’s information and speak to them if possible so you know what should happen.

An ARFID referral could go through the GP, yes. Or potentially other professionals involved.

For DD2 it’s worth contacting your local young carers service and Sibs.

Oh you poor love, what an utterly shit day.
I have no words of wisdom re your DD but just the shit day at work and then the shock of hitting the deer is enough.
Have a or a and try to take care

I'm so sorry. You've clearly had a much worse day than usual. No wonder you're so stressed.
At age 46 you are very likely to be perimenopausal.
I have a child with ARFID. It's very hard.

Oh gosh op, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. Allow yourself some time to feel sorry for yourself, you don't deserve to be struggling like this and it's not your fault. It's understandable that you lost your temper, nobody's perfect.

This too shall pass though. Life always fluctuates and you will have easier moments again. Try to get some sleep if you can.