Gentle sleep training not working

[Desperate88]

I’ve coslept and BF with my 6.5 month old since birth. He now wakes hourly and will only stay asleep if touching me. He’s recently stopped feeding to sleep on his own accord at the start of the night and screams if we try to rock him. We initially had some success with patting and shushing whilst lying next to me and we were planning on using the same method in the cot soon to try and transition away from cosleeping as I’d like my evenings and bed back as I’m exhausted and my mental health is suffering. However he’s started screaming hysterically as soon as we try patting and shushing now too. It normally ends in him crying on and off as we try to soothe him until he passes out exhausted. Bedtimes are hell. Both me and my DH end up in tears too. I would’ve loved to try getting him in his cot using gentle methods but what do I do if he’s resisting the first step? He’s still in my bed, same room, we never leave his side, so I don’t know how much more gentle we can be?? I’d be prepared to cosleep longer if he isn’t ready but we still can’t get him to sleep at bedtime with hysterics. Please help.

I don't know why people are surprised when you cosleep and this is the outcome?! There is nothing wrong with doing it, but you have taught him that you are his comfort and that he needs you to settle. You will either have to ride through the sleep training (and yes there will be tears), or continue to cosleep until he grows out of it (could be years). There aren't really any magic solutions unfortunately. You could try a dummy as a soothing strategy but he's unlikely to take it at this age. Pick a settling method that isn't you or your boobs and then stick with it. I would try and transition him to the cot at the same time, get it all done with in one swoop.

Gentle sleep training sounds like a total con, and actually just prolonging the process, leading to more upset. I’d either be honest with yourselves, acknowledge that it’s a big change that is going to cause temporary upset and do controlled crying but expect it all to be done in 3 nights, or accept you and baby aren’t ready yet and co-sleep for a bit longer.

Gentle sleep training sounds like a total con, and actually just prolonging the process, leading to more upset. I’d either be honest with yourselves, acknowledge that it’s a big change that is going to cause temporary upset and do controlled crying but expect it all to be done in 3 nights, or accept you and baby aren’t ready yet and co-sleep for a bit longer.

this is correct. At 6.5m baby is the perfect age. Just get them eating solids so they’re not waking hungry in the night and you’re good to go. All 4 of ours were sleep trained this way in 2-4 nights at 6m. (We introduced solids from 5 months in anticipation so that come 6 months they were eating 3 solid meals each day, with the emphasis being on eating a good dinner).

@MGee123 you’re completely right that I’ve taught my baby that I’m his comfort but it was the only way he’d sleep as a newborn as he was poorly so I rolled with it. I never planned to do it. But here we are.

@FlounderingFruitcake Cosleeping isn’t helping him to initially go to sleep at night though. This is what I’m currently stuck on most. I’m feeling like CC might be the only other thing to try but he gets very worked up very quickly, not just whinging.

@Hiddenmnetter unfortunately weaning isn’t going well either - offering 2 meals but not interested in purées or finger food. Barely swallowing anything.

I agree with this. I'd do controlled crying. Read up on the ferber method. To my mind what you're doing now isn't working for anyone and you're getting loads of crying anyway.

I disagree that co sleeping is a bad habit. Nothing is a bad habit for a baby.
He's still small and will still want you close for some time, that isn't a bad thing.
My DD went through a phase around this age of screaming and crying when we tried to get her to sleep, it was a phase. A very tough phase!
More solids at 6.5 months will not fill your baby up so they sleep.
Do what you need to get through, if that's co-sleeping for a few more months then go for it.
Separation anxiety hits between 8-10 months so he'll probably want to be close to you then aswell.
Check out the following Instagram pages for some advice on getting you through these tough months by being gentle:
Little nest sleep
Second star to the right
Fox and the moon infant sleep
Lyndsey Hookway
Hey sleepy baby

My DD's first year was a real struggle but she now puts herself to sleep or sometimes just needs a quick cuddle. We did zero sleep training, just supported her for everything she needed. She's 18 months now and sleeps through most nights, occasionally she'll want a cuddle in the night but it'll be for a few minutes and then she goes back in her own bed.

I co slept with my first for similar reasons - the only way I could sleep and he would settle! I tried to transition to cot when he was around 6 months and it was just too early, tried again when he was 7.5 months ish and it took a few weeks of gradually increasing distance between us. I.e the first week I slept on a pull out bed next to him with the side of his cot off, the next week we added the side on but i remained next to him and then the following week i started to leave once he was settled. I continued to feed and cuddle him to sleep though. I felt I couldn't do controlled crying or any form of cry it out but understand if you choose to - it's really bloody hard and exhausting. You have to do what works for you but I just wanted to share that my experience with my first was that I just tried a bit too early. ❤️

What's he doing for naps?

If you want to change sleep associations I'd start there. No least because you're not as exhausted or desperate.

With mine I did a gentle retreat with naps. Their first nap was in the pram usually walking to do something.

Second nap in their cots. Curtains closed, special nap blanket and their snuggly. Then sit next to them holding their hand, hand on tummy until they fell asleep.

Gradually over a few weeks I'd move my hand further away and then move myself further away. Then I could just put them down and leave and they'd go to sleep.

If naps are going well you can try to do the same at night time.

You’re completely right that I’ve taught my baby that I’m his comfort.

And what a terrible mother you are for doing that!

Kidding. I just do a big internal sigh when I see statements that suggest a that a child (especially a baby) using its mother for comfort is a bad thing.

Anyway, I don't have any experience of sleep training but I have/occasionally do co-sleep. 6.5mo was probably the worst phase of sleep. Teething, early weaning, learning to crawl, dropping a nap - it was brutal. I co-slept and went to bed early for a while. Now at 10mo he falls alseep with me and is transfered into his cot for the first stretch of the night. Sometimes he might wake before we go to bed and he needs rocking back to sleep (back in the cot), or sometimes he might sleep through until 4/5am before coming in with me for the last couple of hours of the night.

It was hard going for a while, but we changed nothing (except to make our bed co-sleeping safe) and things have improved massively by themselves.

Its up to you if you want to sleep train, but don't do it because you've been scaremongered with tales of bad habits and rods.

Baby weaning takes time. It’s annoying, it’s messy, it’s boring, but persist. Once they’re eating a good meal especially in the evening they’ll wake less frequently.

at the start 99% of it ends up on the floor. My wife made everything absurdly rich- jacket potato mixed with butter and cream. It made the upside of feeding the baby the fact that I got to have a mouthful myself.

just keep trying anything. Who knows what the baby will like. Keep trying, I’m sure you’re doing just fine, but it is an exhausting process. Have patience with yourself and DH- it really is a challenging time.

So he now doesn't go to sleep if you're next to him? TBH he might be crying because he's really tired and pissed off that someone keeps patting his back when he's trying to go to sleep!

I'd absolutely try a bit of controlled crying, have a routine with a song or bath or whatever, then into the cot and say the same phrase every time 'time for sleep now' etc. Then leave for one minute, come back and reassure if he's crying, leave for two minutes, then three etc. As you say, he's already getting very upset, I don't see how it could be worse. Aim to see it through for a week, with mine it took three days.

Alternative is gradual retreat where you're by the cot offering verbal reassurance but don't pick him up, slowly move your chair back each night until you can put him in cot and leave.

BTW I'm absolutely pro-co sleeping and did it with mine beyond six months, but it's only a good idea if it works for you. If you're feeling it's taking a toll on your mental health, it's time to try something else.

I wasn't saying cosleeping is a bad thing, just that there is no point being surprised when they then won't settle without you! And that you are going to have to break the habit if you don't want to continue cosleeping, which is probably going to result in some upset. Totally supportive of people making whatever choice is right for them. Equally, no need to be judgemental of those who don't embrace having their baby sleep on them/next to them at all times - this doesn't mean their baby hasn't been comforted when needed.

Gentle sleep training not working
DD 6 mo cannot settle without me, she needs me to be bouncing her to fall asleep and I go back to work in june, my parents and partner will have her but she’s hysterical with them too.
She’s always slept through the night in her cot next to us, but still on about 4 20/30 minute naps a day🫠
For weeks now I’ve tried shushing and patting her in the hopes that I can eventually wean onto her falling asleep by herself but she is hysterical unless I’m rocking her, my partner has tried rocking her but she just wants me and I can’t listen to her cry so it ends up being me I feel like I need a break now and my anxiety will be so bad when I go back to work becuase I know she’ll be upset
I have tried letting her cry for literally a minute but think that just makes it worse she doesn’t settle herself just gets even more worked up and harder to put to sleep
any suggestions?

You haven't "taught your baby that you're his comfort". What load of mum-blaming bollocks. The mother is naturally a baby's foremost comfort and you have done brilliantly meeting his natural need for comfort!

Please remember that sleep isn't a linear process. So, you haven't "failed" or done anything wrong because it has been getting more difficult, and nor does this mean it will never get better again. Babies' sleep goes through different phases depending on what is going on developmentally with baby. There is a well-known sleep regression around 7/8 months so maybe your baby is going through that just a bit early. Or he's teething or learning something new developmentally. You are doing brilliantly meeting his needs so well through being close to him and BF on demand. It is not easy at this stage as it's so intense, but know that you are doing your baby so much good. If you manage to keep going, I promise you his sleep will also naturally get better again and it will not always be this intense on you and your partner. It is always difficult to imagine this when times are difficult, but then suddenly something is much easier than it used to be and you suddenly notice 'oh, we haven't had a hysterical bedtime like that in ages'. The very best thing you can do to have a calmer baby is always to be responsive and meet their needs for touch, comfort and closeness.

Gosh he’s 6 months old, been in this world less time than he was inside you, and people are telling you to do “controlled crying” ie ignore his cries for comfort longer and longer until he realises he’s being ignored and just stops

he won’t sleep any better OP, he just won’t cry because he knows you won’t tend to him. I’m not sure how the stress of bedtime is making you and your partner cry but knowing your baby feels ignored and upset doesn’t make you cry?

I personally would either carry on cosleeping or getting him to fall asleep in your arms and then placing him into the cot. Yes he might wake up 100 times but comfort him each time and once he’s asleep place him down again, eventually he will associate cot with sleep but hasn’t been rejected by you in the process.

You say he no longer wants to feed to sleep and cries at being rocked/patted/shushed. What happens if you just leave him to it? I've known some babies that find all the patting/rocking/shushing wayyy too stimulating when they're trying to settle and drop right off if left alone. The parents are doing it for their own benefit rather than the babies!