Contact after 9 years

[Mumm2023]

Hi all, looking for advice / thoughts on what to do, please.

My son (11) hasn’t seen his father in nine years. Our relationship was very abusive and ended when my son was three weeks old. By the time their contact ended when my son was two, his father was an alcoholic and drug addict and in Family Court the judge ordered indirect contact only until such time as he could present as clean for a period of time, complete a perpetrator programme and then reapply. This never happened, the indirect contact at the time happened twice and life moved on.

My son has asked to see his father on and off over the years and I have explained in age appropriate terms why he can’t which has been enough for him until recently.

He is now just absolutely desperate to meet him, he will say that he misses him, he loves him, he’s worried about him and he clearly feels huge injustice that it has been so long.

I know where his father is, I know enough about his current lifestyle and means to know that the drugs and alcohol stopped due to serious illness but I have no evidence to suggest he is any better or safer a person.

The two of them resumed email contact when his father became unwell because I was afraid he was going to die and wanted to at least give my son something (he didn’t die and my son was never aware he wasn’t well). Even with an email address for my son and family to go between, he received not so much as a merry Christmas message from his father so for me, he’s still the same deadbeat he always was. For my son, he is daddy.

I can physically facilitate safe contact. I can afford a contact centre, or other means to do that. His father can’t but if we did resume it would obviously be worth it for me.

But I am so unbelievably on the fence I suppose I just wondered what other parents would do or have done. I know I am protecting my son right now, he might be very let down if I do this… but he also might not be and at this age I feel like I am playing god and I really don’t like it.

I also don’t know whether legally this would have to go back to court or not, and as I understand it, he would have to apply not me - which he probably wouldn’t.

This is really hurting my son. He is autistic, lonely and just really, really wants to meet his dad :(

I think you are protecting ds too much in terms of what he knows.
I was in similarish situation.

As my Ds i told him more and more. I told my ds in order gor contact tp take place it needs to go to court to make sure he is safe aa he wasn't previously.

Without the reality he ends up growing up filling in the blanks with lovely dad.

Dad certainly doesn't sound bothered so i wouldn't set my ds up for more heartbreak.

Thank you, he does know that this went to court and there was a list of things to do that dad didn’t complete. He knows dad wasn’t nice to me and wasn’t safe etc. He is very sympathetic all the same which makes the conversation a difficult one. I can’t go into any more detail than I have as he wouldn’t cope with it but I do try to help him understand why things are now they are x

What you've seen so far suggests that your ex isn't committed to his son...not completing the court actions, not pursuing contact, not bothering at Xmas etc. Any decent father would be trying to work on and improve the relationship.
You could either say no, we aren't seeing him (because he will continue to let him down and IMO an absent father is better than the kind who will leave your son waiting and worrying about why he hasn't bothered). Or you could set up a one off meeting and let your son ask the questions etc that he wants to..could a family member support with that? But it might open a whole can of worms.
Contact in a centre...do you think your ex would accept that, its very intrusive. 11 is quite old for it too. I've supervised a lot of contact and it is awkward. He would need to want to see your son plus agree he poses a risk?