Overwhelmed and in desperate need of encouragement (or maybe to get a grip, I don't know any more)

[AbsolutelyOverwhelmed]

I don't think there's anything anyone can do, maybe either reassure me we'll get through this, or tell me to pull myself together, I don't know.

DH and I have one DC, who's just 1. Theres nobody who's in a position to help with childcare etc, other than nursery.

Both work 4 days each but long hours (12-14 hour shifts, sometimes on-call for 24 hours). Dropping hours wouldn't be realistic - we need the money for rent, nursery, food, bills, keeping the cars on the road (yes, we need two cars, we work on different sides of an area with terrible public transport and do a lot of driving for work and looking after people). It's taken a lot of negotiations to get our work patterns to mesh enough to avoid one of us having to give up work altogether, so there's no options left to negotiate further.

I feel like I have nothing left to give. I'm exhausted.

This month...
DH had covid. He was really ill and is still recovering.
My aunt is seriously ill in hospital, meaning her family needs help with meals, childcare, transport...
I've just had to pay several hundred pounds in car repairs.
The house is a mess. DH hasn't been able to help and there's no extra time in the day for me to pick up the jobs needing doing. So, the tide of household jobs is slowly carrying us out into chaos.
DC doesn't sleep well at all. Never has. We're lucky if there's a 40 minute nap and we still get woken every couple of hours overnight.We sleep in split shifts. But even then it's exhausting. We have to make pretty major decisions at work on about 4 hours sleep each, and it's draining. We've done it for a year now.
DC has started biting. Not an unusual problem, otherwise well behaved for a 1year old, I tell myself it's something we can sort. No biting at nursery, just biting us. But when I'm tired, surrounded by mess (I know it's not a total bombsite but it's not how I want us to live longer term), stressed about money and work and family, it's hard not to get upset.

I just feel... done. Like if I'm running (I remember I used to enjoy running, now I'd quite enjoy sitting if I could...) and hit that wall and just can't take another step.

But i have to. I have to get off this bus and go collect my car, and collect DC and make dinner and wash clothes and dishes and (probably) DC, and get DC to bed and then read my files for tomorrow and then get DC back to bed and then try to close my eyes and do it all again tomorrow.

Please tell me this gets better soon. Or maybe I just need to pull myself together. I don't know how people do this with more than one child.

I think everyone has had that point where everything is piling up at the same time.
Skip the bath for DC tonight, something easy for dinner. I appreciate your aunt is ill, but it sounds like you can’t physically take on extra duties.

sounds really hard right now - I’m sorry. Remember this time will pass. I always feel better with something to look forward to. Can you get a dinner out/takeway/short trip/nail appt or something booked in? Longer term, is there anything you can try to help evening/night routine? Hello fresh/batch cook frozen meals/gentle sleep training/white noise etc. Can anyone take dc for one night so you can get a proper sleep?

So sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with all this. It sounds exhausting. Firstly what is going right? eg you and DH are doing really well to have sorted work patterns, you have a wonderful baby, you sound like you have a worthwhile job, you have sorted your car repair … think of everything that is good to give yourself some context and balance.

Then make a list of everything you are worried about/finding tough. Then write a list of possible solutions for each item without judging if it will work, just come up with lots of ideas. Do this with DH if that would be helpful. Then choose some to work on. If it helps fine, if not go on to something else.

The lack of sleep will be affecting everything so start trying to sort this a stage at a time. You will come through this and find ways to make it better.

Some suggestions: Even if you don’t have family nearby, do you have someone fam or friend who could stay for a weekend/week just to give you both a break and help with baby and home? Can someone else practically help aunt while you are under pressure? Can you look to changing jobs to same area in future and move to living near workplace to simplify journeys? Can you set up a system for meals, weekly menu and shop so don’t have to think about daily, making some super easy and quick to prep. Can you plan something each you/OH love once a week so your life isn’t just routine? Can you pay someone (from nursery?) to babysit once a week so you and DH have time together. Can be eg a sunset walk/drive, stargaze and hot choc/chips if money tight or whatever you enjoy to relax.

DH will hopefully soon be getting better from covid, baby will grow out of biting and sleep through for longer, spring is coming and days will be brighter. You will get through this OP.

Does your DC get a hot meal at nursery? If they do (or even if they don’t tbh) just do easy meals for a while. Beans on toast, scrambled egg, soup and things. Not a big thing but hopefully will make dinner feel less overwhelming.

you say you need the money from work, do you have money worries? That coupled with lack of sleep must be very stressful.

Don’t get worked up about the state of your house. If everyone has clean clothes and is fed most other stuff can wait.

Hopefully your DH will be better soon and will be able to help you more around the house.

Thank you!

Feeling a bit better now. Got the car, got DC, lots of cuddles and an easy dinner (veggie pasta).

The job situation is what it is - our roles are fairly niche and it's not possible to get them both on one site or even that local to each other (hospital specialities that are in completely different hospitals). We're fortunate that we live somewhere we can commute to both, really.

Money's a worry for almost everyone at the moment, I think. Again we're fortunate that we can have 2 incomes and pay for the essentials ok. But it all adds up. There's no back-up if we get in difficulties, there's just us, so we need to stay on top of the budget.

Thanks for being kind and giving me a few ideas to explore! DC loves nursery, so a babysitter from there could be an option.