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Original poster

I can't tell DS I love him

28 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 06/02/2008 14:06

Me and DP are both very affectionate towards DS (nearly 18 months), play with him lots, both spend a lot of time with him, read with him, talk to him, lots of cuddles, kisses, etc. But we never tell him we love him. My parents have never said it to me either - I know they do love me from their actions, they've just never said the words, I think they're just quite reserved about showing their emotions. I think DP's parents are similar.

I've always been quite shy and not confident in myself and don't want DS to be like this. But I find it very difficult to express emotions in words IYKWIM. I tried to tell him I love him this morning before he went to nursery because I've been thinking about it a lot but I felt really self-conscious saying it and DP looked at me oddly because it was unusual for me. I see people who say 'love you' almost routinely whenever they come off the phone to their mum or whoever and it just seems so natural, so why do I have such a problem with it?

I love DS and DP to bits and want to be able to tell them - does anyone have similar experience or am I just odd?

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Disenchanted · 06/02/2008 14:09

Can't you try saying it when you are alone with him? If you are concious of your DH being there?

Then theres no pressure as your DS is only 18 months and wont think it odd himself?

Maybe you could do the bedtime routine alone with him?

Tuck him into bed and read him a story? Like the story 'Guess how much I love you?'

Then at the end just add after youve tucked him in 'and mummy loves you too?'

juuule · 06/02/2008 14:10

If you want to say it, then say it no matter how awkward you feel. The more you do it the easier it will get. To start with why not just say it to him in private and see how you feel.
If you don't feel comfortable then there's no harm in not vocalising it especially if you are giving hugs and cuddles.

cadelaide · 06/02/2008 14:12

It's because we make such a song and dance about that word "love".
There are other words. Sometimes I say to dcs or dp "I adore you" in an over-the-top theatrical way.
Works for me, but maybe not in public outside the nursery!

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Bink · 06/02/2008 14:12

Just say it in a different way - say "you're lovely" or say "thank you sweetheart" rather than "thank you [his name]"

I think the currency of the phrase is an American import and just a red herring, to be honest. If you are loving he will feel loved.

schneebly · 06/02/2008 14:14

The reason you feel uncomfortable with it is because your parents were - it is just how you were brought up but as long as you feel loved I think that is the important thing. I probably say it too much to mine I think but then my parents were like that. If I were you I would try popping into his bedroom when he is asleep and telling him while he was sleeping - that might be a good starting point? x

mcnoodle · 06/02/2008 14:17

I kind of know what you mean. My parents are wonderful, but not particularly demonstrative. We never say 'I love you'. It would be weird.

But when I got to that insecure teenage part of my life, I remember having a big argument with them and bringing it up.

I wanted to say it overtly to my kids so I just do. Sounded a bit forced to start with, but keep practicing and it gets easier. I say it at bedtime when I leave the room, or randomly throughout the day when I get one of those rushes of love. Do it when you mean it, so it doesn't feel so forced. And practice on your own before wheeliing it out in front of DH.

Original poster

iwouldgoouttonight · 06/02/2008 14:19

I've somehow ended up with two threads on this! Must have pressed the button twice!

Thanks for your advice, think I will try saying it on my own with him. I wasn't sure if I was building it up into a big deal when it doesn't need to be - as its just three words, but I also tend not to say things like sweetheart, love, babe, darling, etc at the end of sentences either, which a lot of people do with their DPs/DCs so I know I must have trouble expressing love in words. The only way DP and I can say anything like that to each other is if we call either other 'my lover' in a really strong fake west country accent (where DP is from!)! . So joking about it seems to make it easier.

I'm just worried about passing my insecurities onto DS.

OP posts:

PeatBog · 06/02/2008 14:20

did I just disappear?

PeatBog · 06/02/2008 14:21

okay, just found the parallel thread. muppet

cadelaide · 06/02/2008 14:25

That's a point.
My parents don't say it, my Mum has a few times and I don't recall my Dad ever saying it, but I HAVE NEVER DOUBTED FOR A MOMENT THAT THEY LOVE ME VERY MUCH.
oops!
Sorry about caps, lets shout that love!

Bink · 06/02/2008 14:25

I wouldn't worry about passing on the insecurities - he won't notice what he's not hearing (until maybe like mcnoodle he's a teenager) - he'll notice what he does hear.

Example: I am quite sure I didn't make any use at all of "I love you" when mine were tiny, but I have the clearest memory of dd when she was just two, sitting on a blow-up raft next to me in the sea, and saying:

"Mummy, I'm your [her name]." "Actually, I'm your poppet."

cadelaide · 06/02/2008 14:25

my dad would die of embarrassment if he saw that!

LIZS · 06/02/2008 14:26

Can you start by saying "mummy loves you" , so it is almost 3rd person.

Listmaker · 06/02/2008 14:31

It's funny because I don't say it to my parents either yet I feel it 100% so it's fine but I do say it to my dds every day lots and lots of times (which probably totally washes over them!) and I hope we do go on saying it even when they are grown up. My teenage sdds say it to their Dad and Mum and the oldest one to me too. I feel a bit awkward saying it to her (she's 17) but I make myself do it.

Do you not even say it to your dp? I tell me dh I love him loads as well. It is something you get used to til it feels natural. But as others have said the main thing is showing it - that's what's really important.

Alambil · 06/02/2008 23:39

I am exactly the same - DS is 5.

I have turned it in to a bit of a game at bedtime as I walk back downstairs...

I give him a hug and watch him lie down (can't tuck him in cos his bed is too high!) and then say "love ya" to which he says "love ya more" and then I say "love ya more than that" and that goes on until I'm downstairs; it sort of takes the pressure off the words a bit.

I never (well, VERY rarely) call him things like sweetheart etc... I just can't physically do it. I don't know why!

DS is definitely not damaged in any way though; he knows I love him... that's most important

BlueberryPancake · 07/02/2008 13:27

My parents never told us they loved us when we were kids (I have two sisters) and although I'm not that bothered about it, my middle sister has a real problem with it. My mom almost dies 5 years ago and she then started to say I love you - and when she said it to my middle sister for the first time (she was in her 30's) she called me and was in tears. She was so happy that mom told her she loved her.

I actually remember hearing the word 'I love you' in a song on the radio when I was about 5 years old I guess, and asking my mom what it meant because I had no idea what it really meant!

I understand that some people don't really need to be told, but others do.

I would say that if you say it once, you will see how easy it is and you will want to say it again. Frankly, it has little to do with your DP - it's about you and if he looks odly at you then tough!

cadelaide · 07/02/2008 13:49

Good point Blueberry, and also perhaps it's not about op's dc needing to hear it, more about op needing to say it.
Like evryone says, it gets easier with practice. Lizs' idea is good.

babyinarms · 07/02/2008 16:09

I know how hard it is to say it cos I had exactly the same problem.
When my DS was 1 year old I had never said I Love you, I suppose because we never said it at home growing up.
Sometimes I feel sad that we are not an expressive family as i still cant tell my mum or sister I love them, even though i do so much!
I decided that i didnt want my DS to be in any doubt as to how i feel about him.
I started off saying it at bedtime and now i say it quite often during the day too and it feels so natural!
I also tell my 5 month old DD quite often and have no problem with it now,
It is sooooo good to hear my DS (now 3) tell me he loves me and tell me how much he loves his sister....If I hadn't started to say it to him, he wouldn't be able to express himself like that now.

PanicPants · 07/02/2008 16:17

Ah bless. I tell ds I love him about 20 times a day, and he says it back now as well (he's 2.5) which is lovely. It always makes him smile, and makes you feel good too.

So just go for it!

PippiCalzelunghe · 07/02/2008 16:19

I had the same problem. It was never said it in my family. Luckily because DH always says it I have started doing it (also being a different language from mine the sentence does not carry the same implications ifkwim). However it was very hard and weird at first and I did not feel confortable.
Now I say it all the time and I love it that dd says it back to both of us!
please do do it because although you know you are loved even without hearing it it is sooo nice when you do. and to hear your little one say 'mamma i 'ov you' it's the best ever thing! [soppy emoticon]
I know my mum really really misses it from us and I probably will regret it not saying it to her or my dad. I also know that I miss when dh does not say for a bit.

PippiCalzelunghe · 07/02/2008 16:22

Actually I must have started it in the third person.. it is easier.

saadia · 07/02/2008 16:22

Maybe you could put it in a different way. I'm always telling dss how much I love them, but I also tell them that they make me very happy and that I'm very lucky to have them.

soapbox · 07/02/2008 16:28

The truth of the matter is that you can all tell your children you love them, assuming you can speak. However, you choose not to.

Mummywheel · 07/02/2008 16:58

Once you get into the swing of saying I love you, and your DS replies with I love you too! It just makes everything worth it.

Original poster

iwouldgoouttonight · 07/02/2008 21:55

Thanks everyone. I told DS how much I love him when I was putting him to bed this evening. Part of the reason it seems odd at the minute is because he doesn't yet understand what I mean so he just ignored me and pointed at his teddies! Me and DP have said it to each other on occasion but very rarely and not for a while as things between us as a bit odd at the minute (another story!)

I will just keep trying to say it and hopefully like you say it will become more natural. I love the feeling that he might say it back - its already so lovely when he comes up to me going "mmmmwa!" meaning he wants a kiss!

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