Schools, private/state parental anxiety.

[FTMFML]

I had a terrible time at school. Particularly teenage years.
Without going into the ins and outs, was bullied, poor attendance due to this, worst years of my life and have had an effect on my future.

I don't want this for my LO, she is only 1 so a long way off but I'm looking at if making sacrifices could make private school possible for her (non boarding) if it would make a difference to how she felt about school..? About her experience? I am really embedding my fear and past history into her attending a state school but I'm sure bullying happens just this same at private.

Am I being ridiculous? I know I am... and words of wisdom?

You are not being ridiculous. You had a terrible time at school and you don't want your child to experience the difficulties you had. I think we all have anxieties about our children based on our own experiences: so say if you struggled with friends and bullying that will be it, if you struggled academically that will be it.

As you say, you recognise bullying can happen at private schools or state schools.

I do think bullying is generally dealt with much better then say 25 years ago when there was a lot more "just get on with it".

The advantage of being able to go private is that it gives you more options if your child is being bullied/you are unhappy with the school (you can just move, and that can be harder if state is your only option).

So my advice try not to worry now (easier said then done). If you are thinking private may be an option it's never to earlier to be doing the sums and thinking what you will need to save/earn to afford this. You may also want to think about your location. Are you in an area with lots of options for schools (both state and private). When it comes to look round schools (and you may need to do this sooner then later with private schools as some have wait lists) go look round, ask about their bullying policy, speak to other Mums and ask for their experiences. You can't ensure you child will never be bullied, but you can ensure you will do the best to ensure something is done if that happens.

There's loads of bullying at private schools. Nothing wrong with being prudent about your finances of course but don't deprive yourself over the next few years just to send her somewhere based on an understandable but irrational fear. It's really tough this parenting business and the idea of our kids being unhappy is awwwwful. But I really think you're barking up the wrong tree here. Have you considered talking to a counsellor about your worries?

My poor niece has had a way worse time at private school than mine have at state. You def can’t pay to avoid it. And what’s been shocking at the private school is how badly it was dealt w

Just as much bullying at private, usually much more cunning and covert mind, so harder to prove and in a way more damaging because of that. It’s certainly not a guarantee. Personally I would focus my efforts on your child’s social skills.

Spend your money on counselling instead.

Why do you think it would make a difference? From what I've heard from friends, bullying in private school is rife and the teachers do less about it as they don't want to piss off fee paying parents.

I was the same as you. Terrible bullying and had to move schools in the end. Bullying can happen anyway. Bring up your little one to be confident and to be able to speak to you and stand up for themselves. Bullying is not tolerated as much now.

I'm sorry you went through that and that it's still impacting you. I would look into finding some help for you: it won't help your daughter to be so anxious about this happening to her. It could have almost the opposite impact, possibly. Good new is that she's only one and you're already thinking about how you can help her overcome the difficulties of growing up! As regards state and private: I went to a state school and was not bullied; my husband was privately educated and was. But this is one (well, two) experience as is yours. Better to help yourself heal for now.

This. You've had a terrible time and need to go through it.

I chose private schools for mine for similar reasons. I wasn't bullied at school but I did find being surrounded by so much aggression really stressful, I had a much nicer time when I was moved to a private school.

It really depends on what your options are locally. There are many wonderful state schools out there where bullying is dealt with and children are happy. I've met a lot of people who went to private school and had a horrible time (especially boarders). A lot depends on friendship groups and that is just down to luck a lot of the time. Don't latch on to private school as a perfect solution - it probably won't be. Find out if your local state schools are having any open days and go for a look around - it might help to put your fears to rest! Good luck x

We know a number of both privately educated, state-school educated and a couple of grammar education friends, family and family friends etc.

Kids can be evil little fuckers. They sometimes will bully anyone over anything, anywhere.

Equally, you can make your best friends anywhere.

Don't waste your money on private education, it's not it's cracked up to be and comes with a whole side of it;s own set of problems.

One thing to remember is that class sizes are smaller in independent schools. If you go co-ed you may end up with only a few girls in a class. You’re restricting the pool of potential friends and also the ability to move away from anyone who is causing your DD distress.

@User12310

You do find that in the smaller classes at private. You need to fit in socially too. I didn’t go to private but my friend left our state for the local private after one term in year 7. She turned into a mean girl overnight. I think she had too to be honest to survive but she was not someone I recognised and we drifted apart.

We reconnected after year 11 and she said she hated the whole experience and never felt at all free or able to be herself. She missed the freedom of the large state where you could essentially camouflage into the background should you wish too. Plus you will have kids in private school who think they are the bees knees and it can get nasty with them all jostling for their extra special place in the hierarchy. I know that’s a generalisation but having worked in pastoral care in state/private honestly you couldn’t pay me enough to go back into a private. The nastiness was next level and also anecdotal, but the levels of disordered eating were also far higher. I think private schools churn out ultra competitive young people, and this isn’t always a good thing, particularly when thin is in.

You see it on here, infact a read a comment a couple of weeks ago regarding someone seeing Kate Middleton at an after school event and apparently she looked “just like all the other mums” that attended this persons kids school. All incredibly thin then, what I am trying to say is, being on the chubbier side wouldn’t go down well either at some privates.

States have their issues of course they do but in my opinion you’re swapping one set of problems for another and potentially more if you don’t mix in certain circles.

You need to change you attitude towards school, of whatever type. Otherwise whatever goes wrong, and it will wherever , will feel hostile and a personal attack on you and your dc. Choose a school based upon its positive aspects, ask for help when you struggle and recognise that schools have changed in the interim. Do you have any basic qualifications, if not now is a good time to start and give you more confidence which in turn passes to dc,

We did state primary in a small village school, some low level bullying but generally dealt with. For secondary however our local ones are not good and I've heard lots of incidents of large scale, really scary scenarios, of bullying that have been ignored by the schools. We have decided to send DD private for secondary, choice of 2 and chose the one we feel to have the best pastoral support. Saying that, no school is going to be without bullying but we know relatives and friends whose children have gone to the private school and they have all reported zero bullying.
We aren't naive enough to think that no bullying goes on but we just hope the school deal with it quickly. At the end of the day you have to take a chance and you can't protect them forever, there is a risk at any school so all you can do is mitigate. Yes ask for their bullying policy but no school is ever going to admit to having a problem.

I agree with pp that bullying in schools is something that I feel has really improved since I was at schools. Schools are more aware of it and kids are more likely to be listened to. Obviously it does still happen, but hopefully the chances are low whether your DD goes to state or private school (echoing others that it's just as likely to happen at private school).

Glad to hear that some feel it is dealt with better now definitely positive. Thanks everyone for the replies, it's been good to read the different opinions/things I hadn't thought of. With regards to counselling, it is something I have done quite extensively though not the past year- but as with everything from the past there are sticking points and always something to work on, always will be. I really do want to bring her up to have confidence in herself, we all want that for our kids surely but in today's society I think its a really tricky task.

you are being ridiculous you are worrying about something that may or may not happen in 10 years time

Thank you for your blunt honesty 😂