Parenting books

[kisaki333]

Ok, so please be kind. I have a 1 year old-my first-and very little clue what I am doing. I am trying my best but I am out of my depth, I can tell. So far, I've managed with advice from here, GP, HV's and some friends but as the little one grows, I feel all my decisions will have a bigger impact so I need to get my shit together
. I am the academic type, so I basically want to read up and educate myself.

Can you please recommend some reading material about parenting to cover different parenting styles? If you could mention why you think that particular book/blog, whatever is good, that would be great. I doubt I'll go with a single one, but I would get ideas from several. Things like... am I supposed to keep the Santa myth or just tell her the truth? When and what do I say about sex? How do I handle tantrums?

'The Wonder Weeks' is popular. It's a bit repetitive though and I think it only goes up to 18months.
Aside from books, there's also apps or monthly newsletters from places like BabyCentre, and I think Mumsnet do them too. You put your DC DOB in and it provides regular updated on development stages and how to navigate them.

I just read How Toddlers Thrive by Tovah Klein and it's full of useful information about how to help your child develop resilience and independence as well as how to develop routines, cope with change and tantrums for parents. I also liked How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk for lots of communication advice.

Queen bees and wannabes is good for teen girl issues.

I'd avoid Steve Biddulph's raising boys as it's sexist claptrap.

Most books focus on birth-2.

I'd go to your local bookshop and flick through the ones on the shelves. I think it's a genre you only know if it's right for you by having a look.

Charity shops can be quite good for parenting books too.

But I think a lot have been superceeded by Mumsnet.

I enjoyed the Mumsnet guide to babies. It basically collated all different and often contradictory advice in one place and gave me the confidence to see that there was no one right answer!!

That didn't stop me reading (and finding useful):
123 magic
Calmer easier happier parenting
The wonder weeks
How to talk so kids will listen

How to talk so little kids will listen. It's just fantastic and practical.

I don't know if you'll find answers to how to talk about sex and Santa in books. There isn't really a right or wrong way. Maybe the book you wish your parents had read?

I'm reading the power of showing up now and I really like that one too. I don't think any of these three have a particular style, they are all quite general but they make sense to me.

I wouldn't bother with wonder weeks for a 1yo, you've missed most of the info.

Your X Year Old by Louise Bates Ames are nice, if a little dated, and often recommended as the -follow on from wonder weeks.

The most important thing I think you can do is not read books , although I really enjoy parenting books, but make friends with other parents. See if you can find a coffee morning or playgroup. Spending time with other families and making bonds you trust is really helpful because you get to see how things work in real life.

I got hold of an old Rosemary Leach book which I really liked (Your baby and child). It talked through different ages and stages, helped you to understand a child's point of view and didn't guilt trip.

Bought a Gina Ford and hated it. Too regimented for me.

If you're the academic type I'd really recommend getting ahead of all of these pop psychology parenting books and get an academic text or two on developmental psychology and early childhood education.

Once you understand how children develop and why certain behaviours emerge you'll be in a much better place to deal with it effectively. You'll also be able to see which parenting books offer advice that makes sense and which ones are nonsense. It also makes being with small children significantly more interesting ime.

@NNuffSaidSam any recommendations on where to start?

I completely agree with your approach. There's like 6000 diet books out there, but all you really need is to understand how keto and IF and calories work, and then you're golden.

Not sure where to get the equivalent information for toddler development etc

"Dr. Becky" apparently works along those lines. I have the sample of her book, but haven't read it yet. It is a parenting book, not a psychology textbook, though.

I really liked both How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and The Whole Brain Child. I read these when DS was about 1 and it’s helped shaped my parenting approach over the last few years.

Probably depends on your overall approach to parenting though. If you think children should obey without question and that all unwanted behaviour is bad behaviour, then these books won’t resonate. Likewise, if you believe strongly in full attachment parenting then these might not be to your taste. I liked them as they encouraged respectful parenting and understanding your child’s emotions, but with a strong emphasis on maintaining boundaries and how to combat unwanted behaviour. They are both based in psychology, especially the latter. Basically I think they are quite middle of the road, which is probably where my parenting is.

I liked how to talk and while brain child too. No bad kids by Janet Lansbury too. Dr Spock is old fashioned but sensible on lots of things.

Ia bit more academic but I liked dream babies by christina hardyment, which traces baby advice through time (medieval onwards) shows how trends come full circle etc. It also helps contextualise what older relatives say about babies and young children!

Also the gardener and the carpenter - what is the role of a parent? Are you creating the right conditions, or actively shaping your child into something?

With time you just get more confident, although there's always a new challenge! I agree hanging out and observing other parents, esp those from outside your social bubble, is helpful. There's no right way of doing it (but there are wrong ways! Beating, spoiling etc)

I think asking how to raise a child is a bit like asking how to have a boyfriend - there's no right way, it's awkward at first, it's never the same for long!

I read a few parenting books but I ditched them all when I discovered the ahaparenting site.

That's interesting Viva because I have read these too and I was really attachmenty when my babies were tiny and felt they fitted in perfectly. I agree they might come across as a bit wishy washy if you are more "Do as you're told now because I said so" but - equally - they have so much explanation of why they differ from that advice that I think even somebody who started out with that mindset could find something of value in them.

In general though the Dan Siegel/Tina Payne Bryson books are excellent and evidence based, while being practical. Not like the wave of "gentle parenting" books that were everywhere in the 00s/early 10s that were much more opinion based.

I think the problem with wanting to know all of child psychology so that you can just do developmentally appropriate parenting at all times is that there is far too much of it, it's an extremely complex thing to understand.

The Whole Brain / The Power of Showing Up have some really useful explainers though.

Dr Becky's podcast is also quite helpful - I have just got into this - she takes a question from a parent (e.g. how can I stop my child spitting? This is their age and the context in which it happens) and she explains the probable developmental reason why the behaviour is happening, which isn't easy because it's not as simple as X behaviour has Y cause, any behaviour, even if common, could have multiple causes, and then she always gives two pieces of advice: An in the moment strategy, and an Out of the moment strategy. The in the moment strategy helps you manage the behaviour when it happens, and the out of the moment one helps you work on the probable root cause, to hopefully reduce the behaviour or reduce its intensity.

I think the problem with wanting to know all of child psychology so that you can just do developmentally appropriate parenting at all times is that there is far too much of it, it's an extremely complex thing to understand.

It's not really you know. It's a massively interesting and fairly simple subject to understand actually (if you're academically minded). Though I agree wanting to know ALL of child psychology may be a bit much, I wasn't suggesting the OP do a PHD! Obviously, reading a textbook isn't going to mean you parent flawlessly and developmentally appropriately at all times, just like understanding nutrition doesn't mean you will eat healthily all the time. But it's a great place to start and a great background to have before reading all the other parenting books available.

Could you recommend any texts then? As a layperson it's difficult to know where to start and when I've tried to look before, I've never had very much luck.

@kisaki333 @BertieBotts

I'm not across the current academic texts enough to recommend a specific book I'm afraid. What I'd do is go to a biggish bookshop and head to the academic psychology section and have a look. They'll likely only have one or two that are 'Developmental Psychology' and they'll be the ones that are currently on reading lists at Universities/Colleges. I'd look for one that says 2nd/3rd/4th edition because that will mean it's a text that's been used for a while at least. You can tell the proper textbooks from the size/paper quality/full citations etc.

Or alternatively do the same in a library because proper textbooks are really expensive!

Then you can flick through and pick which suits, obviously A-level ones tend to be a bit more basic than degree level ones.

Unfortunately I don't live in an English speaking country. That would be a good approach otherwise, though! I will have a look next time I'm at home :)

Don't bother.

Just ask on here, we know eveything