How to deal with 'mummy don't be cross'

[Mummydontbecross]

3 year old DC is saying this everytime I try to assert a boundary. Often followed by 'mummy, please smile'. I don't think I'm ever being unreasonable and I'm never shouting. Example would be messing around before bedtime, then I say 'no, stop now, it's really time to sleep now'.

She's making me feel like I'm always cross and being a nag when I think I'm just upholding the rules and being a parent. It makes me sad and she never says it to her dad (who probably does less boundary setting...).

Is it possible to parent a 3 year old without nagging a little...? I feel like I'm doing something wrong but not sure if I am...

Are you asserting boundaries too often in the day? Can you make sure you build in lots of fun time during the day? Lots of child orientated play.

Reassure her you're not cross, just sleepy yawn and ready for bed?

Mayve "pick your battles" and only focus on a couple of things and soften up on others?

There's a book "playful parenting" I never read but looked good -with ideas of how to turn those kind of interactions into less of a battle and assserting authority .

@Mummydontbecross

shes worked out that it stops you in your tracks.

'then don't do things that make me cross' 🤨 'bedtime DD'.

stop letting her control the narrative.

Thank you. We have loads of nice times together and play lots which I feel happy about. Maybe I just being a bit too strict when she's messing around a lot (I do let it happen but then have to call time towards the end). I'm very conscious that my parents were pretty strict with some behaviours and I don't really want to be like that. But I find the constant 'cajoling' the most wearing part of parenting!

E.g the go to sleep example is after playing in the bath, 3 books, cuddling and talking....

I also wonder if my face looks more 'cross' than I am!

Maybe! I'm just not sure which it is!

What helped me when my children were small was to remember I am the adult and they are the child.
I know what is best for them eg a certain number of biscuits, or a warm coat, or bed and asleep by a certain time. They really knew nothing about that.
Girls (and yes it’s a generalization) are so emotionally switched on. They know what to say and do to get their own way. Boys are more obvious ! All she is trying to do is get her own way. Personally I would just say it’s bed time Dd and ignore the very funny and toddler attempt at manipulation. She’s clearly clever! Always remember you are the parent and have a natural authority over your child.

I found timers amazing when my kids were 3. So say 15 minutes of mess around ,the timer goes off so that means it's time to climb into bed (or leave the park or get out of the bath etc) - they never questioned it but would question me all the time.

I'd just swipe it away 'I'm not cross, now get into bed please'.

If you feel you're in a trap of being a bit too negative/naggy, work on phrasing things in the positive. You still set the same boundaries, but you tell them what they SHOULD do, instead of what they shouldn't.

So instead of 'no, stop now, it's really time to sleep now' it could be 'right! Head on the pillow please DD' or 'under the duvet please DD' or 'pj's on now please'.

It helps to be specific and it just changes the vibe from one of constant negativity to one that's a bit more positive.

'mummy, please smile'

That's rude and a bad mannered thing yo say. I wouldn't tolerate it.

'don't be cross'

Would get a "do as you're told then" from me.

Children, even the smallest ones, are brilliant at finding out how their parents work! They're so smart and intuitive. It's very much part of their survival strategy to be extremely attuned to your mood and attitude but you can't allow that to prevent you from being the parent. I find that saying that I'm not cross but I expect you to do what you're told in a serious voice works.

Absolutely this!

It's like the older kids and teens who start talking about any subject in the universe with extreme engagement (who usually ungraciously grunt to any attempt at conversing with them) the minute they know they are about to be pulled up for their behaviour!

"I'm not cross and you are going to sleep"

"Do as you're told and I won't need to get cross"

Proactive responses in your head so it doesn't catch you off guard!

My DS (2y8m) does this, but shouts "want mummy happy". It is most definitely a ploy so that I stop telling him off for things he knows he shouldn't be doing. Can't seem to get him to stop though... Watching with interest!

My grandson aged four (nearly) struggles with transitions so what I do is, in front of him, we set a reminder on Alexa for the appropriate time. And Alexa will tell him it's time to tidy up or put his jacket on etc. It works most of the time because it isn't me that's doing it, if you see what I mean. I also deflect any complaints by being funny or cuddling him or making him laugh at something.

Ooh some wonderful advice here, thank you. Will definitely look to try a timer.

Realised maybe I am being a bit weak in letting her get to me. I do pick my battles- bedtime and good manners are mine- maybe I need to stay strong but also see if I can be more playful. Just hate the idea of her thinking of me as a cross person!

Something that really worked for me (not for bedtime, but it could be adapted) was planning out the things to do before finishing something in toddler terms and making it look as if this was quite generous! E.g. 'You can have one more swing and then 2 goes on something else.' 'We need to go in 5 minutes, but that means there's time for 3 more goes down the slide'. If they were really cooperative, it worked even better to say 'You were so good at being ready, we've even got time for one more go on X, go for it.'

And if she says 'smile, Mummy', be gently silly, like 'Smile back... no, really smile, say cheesy peas...' or mime taking a photo, or something.