Help I gave birth to a selfish sod now 8 years

[happycat]

Help I am my wits end and I do not know what to do.Now I don't expect great things from my son really and I don't expect him to be a caring sharing complete child but I do expect him to show some consideration for others and I don't think 8 years old is too young to expect it.He wakes his brother up constantly,he couldn't give a monkey if he breaks on of his toys.If I am upset because he has not done as he is told or he has broken one of my things he shows no emotion and just stands there.I have a six year old who cares for others already and is really tuned in to others feelings and can talk about his own.I have treated them both the same but just can't conect with him? What can I do I am my witz end now

Sounds very upsetting.
Don't want to freak you out but have you considered that this clear lack of empathy might be indicative of deeper psychological problems, or even a very mild disorder on the Autistic Spectrum?
As I said, just a thought.

Sounds very upsetting.
Don't want to freak you out but have you considered that this clear lack of empathy might be indicative of deeper psychological problems, or even a very mild disorder on the Autistic Spectrum?
As I said, just a thought.

I thought that he may have had dyspraxia about a year ago and the school dismissed it.wonder if I should go down that road again.He dosen't seem to have many friends at school either.He seems different to other boys too.He is not as mature as my 6 year old son

I think you should look at reassessing the situation completely.
Why don't you put this on the Special Needs thingy?
There are lots of people on that who could help you.

hi moondog thank you for talking to me.He is on the special needs at school because he is behind at school.They told me he could be borderline dyslexic and were going to treat him as such until they tested him.Now they say that they are not going to test him and they think he has a memory disorder and they are going to stop trying to put a label on him.This dosen't leave me with anything to go on really just a lot of worry.

Are there any other aspects of his behaviour that concern or worry you?

Don't worry! (Silly thing to say I know!)
Really, try the Special Needs thing when there are more people about. I guarantee that you will feel a lot better.

Cross-posted there. What do they mean by "memory disorder"? Does he seem to have a problem with short-term memory but seems okay with long-term memory?

Ah!!!
Someone very capable to help you out now!

Hi coppertop yes there are.It is just that he is very imature,he is lazy,can be agressive towards his brother,he gets picked on at school because he is shorter than the others,he has a very low self estem.The reason I don't know how to handle this is because his self estem is low I don't want to keep nagging,punishing him 24 hour a day

I think it must be short term although he can never recall the past I don't know whether that is normal my 6 year old is always talking about what we did last year e.c.t he just dosen't. At school they ask him to open the book,write the date and underline it and he won't do all three.This is the example they told me.If i ask him to go upstairs and get his shoes on,come down and put his coat on I would have to ask at least 4-5 times and then shout at him.He has to keep going to the toliet just as we are going out the door and often makes us late.He will forget his school books unless I remind him.If it was up to him he would get in the car no school books,glasses and packed lunch daily.It really is hard work.

As moondog says, a lack of emapthy can sometimes be part of an autistic spectrum disorder. Children with autism just don't pick up information about autism in the same way as other children. They don't instinctively know that if a person frowns it means that they are not happy about something, for example. If this were true in your ds's case then you may find that he reacts innappropriately to other people's emotions, eg laughing at someone who is crying. My eldest ds is 4yrs old and autistic. One of the things he is working on at the moment is what different facial expressions mean. It just doesn't come naturally to him.

What usually happens just before he becomes aggressive? Is it that his brother touches him or gets too close? Does his brother try to join in with his games and then get shouted at/hit? Finding the trigger for the aggression can be a real breakthrough.

HC your 8 yr old sounds just like my neighbour's 8yr old who was diagnosed last yr as having a v.mild form od Aspergers and low level ADHD. He too is v. short for his age (same height as his 5 yr old brother). Trouble is he doesn't qualify for any form of assistance at school and his mum doesn't know where to turn. In some respects he is exceptional, ie I think his writing and drawing is superb (but then I'm not toally au fait with 8 yr olds). What help would his mum be entitled to re schooling?

I'm not an expert but it sounds as though he may have a problem with sequencing. One thing that can really help is something called a visual timetable. You can make one yourself. You have a picture or even a word that represents a particular activity. If you want him to eat his breakfast, get dressed, put his glasses on and pick up his packed lunch box in the mornings you can set this out as a line of pictures to help him remember/see what comes next. You put the pictures in the order that you'd like the tasks to be done. It sounds too simple but it has really made a big difference to our lives. It might be worth giving it a try. If you google "visual timetables" you should find lots of ideas.

Wordsmith - if he has a diagnosis then he should be on the school's Special Needs register (School Action or School Action Plus). Your friend needs to speak to the school SENCO to find out where her ds is. He should have an IEP (Individual Education Plan) which sets him targets to work towards. If the school can't manage this then either she or the school could apply for a statement for him which would give the school extra funding.

gosh I am going to look closer now.I am off to bed now but will bear this in mind it dose seem to be that I have a six year old that always wants to play,he is always on the go,he is very loud and wants to play with him, all the time but my older sons interest are drawing and watching the t.v.This is when the aggression on his part starts I think it is because he finds him annoying.

where do I go from here to get him diagnosed with anything like that? t.b.h the school just don't seem to care and I just keep getting fobbed off

If the school are hopeless I would go to the GP and ask for a referral to a Developmental Paediatrician and/or the Child Development Centre/Unit if you have one in your area. If you have the money you could always go private to get into the system more quickly.

We went via the NHS both times (our youngest is also almost certainly autistic too). The waiting list seems to vary from place to place.

hi haven't been online for a couple of days.Coopertop that was just the advice I needed I didn't really no what to go and ask the g.p for .When I went about the dyspraxia the g.p told me I would have to be refered by the school.They are not interested so I was stuck in the middle.THANK YOU

I reaad this thread with interest and then a little bit of concern. Coppertop, if you're there- please reassure me that this proabvbly doens't apply to my dd1 ( also aged8).

She is quite aggressive too - for no apparant reason will lash out at her siblings. Yesterday she put a note through my ds bedroom door saying "you are a poo"(about the biggest insult that can be delivered in our house) for no reason and then laughed when he cried.

She is very affectionate towards her siblings when babies but this changes as they get older ( about one and a half ish).

She also always has to be told to do everything - brush her teeth and hair otherwise she'd forget. She's also excessibvely shy and nervous - school always comments. Doesn't always know appropraite behaviour - when soemone says hello in playground she'll often turn away. I've explained to her that that is considered rude and that even if she is feeling shy or tired etc she must still at least smile, but she doesn't.

Aside from this she's bright. Used to be top in her class in receoption but as years gone by work has decreased in standard. Her writing has always been but noticeably more so now she's older very messy and she doesn't take care wit her work - will often hand in something dog eared. Taking ages to complete work for Brownie badge as she seems incapable of understanding or planning her artwork in that it must be of a certain standard and not just any old thing.

She used to be very popular in reception - a happy little girl with many friends. Became more quiet and shy and introverted as years went on and now only has a few friends.

On up side ( and against diagnosis of anything "wrong" so to speak) is fact that she is still fairly bright ( half way up class), plays nicely with friends she has, is responsive and emotional and enjoys touch and cuddles and is not distant or unreachable or anthyibng like that.

Probably just prickly and difficult personality right?

BTW sorry for hijack.

I'm not a professional or anything but the things that spring to mind are:

Liking siblings as a baby and the 'going off them' at about 18 months seems about right to me. It's the age when they go from being interesting, cuddly little doll-like creatures to little pests who get into everything and wreck everything.

The bit about not smiling at people when told that she really ought to is probably a case of shyness and perhaps a little bit of stubborness. :)

Are the teachers at all concerned about her writing/work etc? I don't know an awful lot about that side of things but I would say that if the teachers she's had so far have been okay about it then it's probably fine. If you're really concerned about that area then it could be worth asking the teacher's opinion. How are her fine motor skills in general, eg using a knife and fork, managing with buttons and zips etc?

If she plays well and plays appropriately with her friends then I doubt you would need to worry about something like autism tbh.

The thing about not being affectionate etc can actually be very misleading wrt autism. Ds1 will often give me spontaneous hugs and kisses and tell me that he loves me. Ds2 climbs up on my knee to give me kisses too.

This is my rambling way of saying that your post didn't set any alarm bells ringing for me. You might find that the visual timetable idea may still be useful to dd though as a reminder of what needs to be done in the mornings. The younger ones may find it useful too as they get a little older.

Thanks Coppertop - I had thought there was probably nothing wrong apart from a bit of a difficult and pricly perosnality but cetain comments you made to happycat did make me look twice.

As for school work, her teachers have noticed that it is messy and disorganised. In her Year 1 report she ws called "capapble and accomplished" which made us very proud but, by end of year 2, that had detoriated to to comments about her nervousness, messiness, inablibty to remember instrucctions. We changed schools and at first parents eveing recently the teacher commented mainly on her anxiety and nerves although also commenting that she had settled well into school with her new friends ( class of only 9 childrne ) whcih was true.

Hate the sibling meaness though as both ds and dd2 are such cuties to eachother and to prickly dd1 and get so upset when she shuns them or is rude.