How to prepare anxious Y6 for secondary school

[AntoinetteCosway]

DD is actually old for her year as a September birthday-she’s in Y6 but is 11. She’s very bright but is anxious about a lot of things, and not as independent as lots of her friends. Eg, her friends will walk home from school, walk to each other’s houses, go to the (very) local park in pairs with no parent-she doesn’t want to do any of these things. I have been happy for her to gain confidence in her own time, and we’ve done lots of talking about it, but I do try and encourage her to take (what she considers) small risks occasionally. I feel like it’s a very fine line between encouraging confidence and telling her not to trust her own instincts, which obviously I don’t want to do.

She has a phone as of her last birthday which has made her feel a bit more confident about not being with me, and just very recently she’s asked if she can try being at home for 15-20 minutes by herself, which I’m happy for her to do, so that’s a bit of progress.

She’s nervous about secondary school, mainly about having to get herself there every day. I don’t mind driving her but equally, peer pressure is already making this option unappealing, and we’re not even there yet. I’ve said that in the summer I’ll do the bus route with her several times, walk with her to the bus stop, etc. I don’t want to turn it into an even bigger deal in her head, but she’s so nervous, and of course I think she’ll actually be at MORE risk of anything going wrong if she’s walking down the street looking terrified!

We and school are already doing lots of things to help with her anxiety (she’s been referred to CAMHS too), but I do worry that she’s going to be eaten alive by life come September. And of course, I don’t want her to know that I’m worried about that, because then it’s a vicious circle, etc.

How did others prepare their DC for increasing independence? Any tips or ideas I haven’t thought of yet, gratefully received. Any chance she’ll have completely grown out of this by week 2 of September? I know one day I’ll probably be begging her to take fewer risks! But at the moment she’s worrying multiple times a week about what will happen if there’s a dog on the route (she’s petrified of them), or if she misses the bus, or what detention will be like if she’s late, or how to know when to press the bell-it’s really an unending list of worries.

[Pootleplum]

Do you think she's focusing on the commute as a proxy for wider anxieties about going to secondary? I reckon if I were you I'd drive her, you can probably drop round the corner so no one sees can you? And then maybe she'll start, relax and feel more able to go independently.

[AntoinetteCosway]

Yes, I really do! That’s a good idea, maybe we can stagger it and she can walk a little bit further each day. I’m hoping that once she’s got some friends there it’ll be easier too

[isittheholidaysyet]

Any chance you can spend time with a bunch of older children?

So she can she can get to know that not all teens are scary.

Maybe at some kind of activity such as sports/guides/scouts/drama etc.

[Pootleplum]

I'm sure that's the right approach. Seems like a CBT way of doing things doesn't it.

[MintJulia]

I rehearsed this with my ds over the summer. We rode the bus route several times, went in the correct school entrance, timed it all so DS knew how much time he needed, rehearsed what to do if he missed the bus etc.

[Mischance]

The move to secondary is often a challenge. Changing from being top dogs in primary, suddenly they find themselves on the bottom rung, surrounded by larger people, some who look like adults.

I would not dismiss her dog fear - I have had many bad experiences with dogs and sympathise with her on this one. Could you supply her with a dog dazer - a little pocket sized item which makes a high-pitched buzz that we cannot hear but dogs hate. They are sometimes used by dog-owners to curb nuisance barking, so will not hurt the dog. Here is a link to one on ebay: www.ebay.co.uk/itm/165718660945?chn=ps&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&amdata=enc%3A18h9tW3FQS7GXva6yp6a1jQ96&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=710-134428-41853-0&mkcid=2&mkscid=101&itemid=165718660945&targetid=1816459697885&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=1007160&poi=&campaignid=19097601017&mkgroupid=152525099668&rlsatarget=pla-1816459697885&abcId=9303862&merchantid=586217054&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_bieBhDSARIsADU4zLfg9T9lcaIE26mSKa8IcdIUzgrryTt_92Jcm1OIegHQmGqLQhXcNwYaAsqBEALw_wcB

Blimey - that's a big link!! Hopefully she would never have need of it, but just having it in her pocket might increase her confidence.

I would, as suggested above, drive her to begin with.

[tpmumtobe]

DS12 in Year 8 suffers from severe anxiety, we were equally worried about him starting secondary. Your gut instinct is correct, and exactly what CAMHS will advise re CBT (he had several months of 121 with them). It's called exposure therapy, you break down the task into manageable chunks. So, first few days drive her in and drop her at the gate, next few days drop her a bit further, build it up slowly, phased retreat, take your time, baby steps. Practice things she might wirry about over the summer (catching bus, what to do if you see a dog etc).
Also do make sure she's on the new school's SEN register well before she starts. They will likely invite her in for additional transition days in the summer to help reassure her. And if she does have a wobble for any reason then they will be expecting it and she will know where to go for help once at school.
Good luck, we never thought DS would get through the door but he's thriving and has made new friends with a lovely group of kids who barely use their phones, have no interest in going out and hanging in parks and still get picked up and dropped off for playdates by a parent (which has been great for me making new parent friends at secondary too!).

[WinterFoxes]

Break down everything and ask if she is anxious about specific aspects: Are you anxious about gettimng to the end of your own street alone? How about turning the corner? Etc.

Also, reassure her that anxoety is normal Very very normal. Everyone feels anxious about new experiences. the difference is - some people act despite their anxiety and so they overcome it, and some people get stuck behind their anxiety and so they don't.

Encourage her to take small steps towards independence, which take her outside of her comfort zone, but only just. Get her to post a letter alone. Go to the shops with you 20 steps behind her. Then with you on the phone chatting to her. Get her to take the bus in the direction of her new school but sit in a seat in front of you, not next to you, etc.

[GimmeBiscuits]

@MintJulia

I rehearsed this with my ds over the summer. We rode the bus route several times, went in the correct school entrance, timed it all so DS knew how much time he needed, rehearsed what to do if he missed the bus etc.

We did very similar. DC opted for a different secondary to the majority of their peers.
School offered a 'summer school' with sample lessons + lots of teambuilding/friendship garnering activities, and also organised a meetup at a local leisure centre, so that between that and the induction days, there were familiar faces in school on day one.
For the first few days I did the journey to and from school with DC, but by the time we were approaching the end of the first week, it was decided I'd just do the walk to the bus stop in the morning, and meet there in the afternoon.
By the end of week 2 I wasn't needed at all!

[CatOnTheChair]

I've got a very shy, but no known anxiety, Y7.
To add to things, we moved house over the summer, so it was a new area with new people (all be it with a handful of kids from his school - we didn't move that far).
The amount they grow up over Y6 - and especially after SATs when school really does focus on transition - is amazing.
We walked the route several times over the summer - and I deliberately turned the wrong way sometimes. We also talked about what to do if... for us, the train barriers are down/look broken, people want to go to tesco etc. Your route will be different, so think about what might happen for you, and talk through options f dealing with it.
He did lock himself out one day early on.... and rang in a panic. Thankfully I could drop stuff at work and go let him in, but he did deal with it.

Are there likely to be people going the same route from your area? The mass of school uniform heading the same way seems to be comforting...

[Beamur]

I won't lie, she's going to find it hard. And so will you!
However, you have quite a long time to address some of these fears before then. Practice the school run, go over some 'what if's' etc.
One thing I would tell her though, she's far from alone - she doesn't need to worry about things like pressing the bell to stop the bus, or worrying about remembering the route - there will be lots of other kids doing exactly the same journey, lots like her - doing it the first time, but many more who are already there and know the ropes.
Same as primary - when you arrive, lots of other kids are going to school too, it's the same.
Follow the rules and you won't get detentions. Even if you do get a detention, it's not the end of the world.
At high school you need to be more organised, so keep a copy of the weeks lessons planner somewhere easy to see. Have an area for storing books and schoolwork, pack your bag the night before and keep on top of homework.
High schools are often super strict in the first term to gets kids on track and in the right mindset.

[AntoinetteCosway]

This is all so helpful, thank you!

[AntoinetteCosway]

The dog dazer is a great idea, I didn’t know these existed.

[JacksPottedPepper]

Is there anyone she can walk up to school with? I know you are happy to drive her but when she gets out the car she is by herself and having to walk into school which she may not have considered. Anyone near by to where you live?

For Ds1 in year 6 myself and Ds2 would walk a bit behind him so I could make sure he was crossing the road safely without any intervention from me and he felt independent but we were right there if needed.

I agree about breaking things down into manageable chunks. You need to equip them with a what if, so what if the bus doesn't turn up and get her to try to come up with her own solution rather than just providing her with it. She will start to realise she can rely on herself.

Also lots of people including adults fake it till they make it, they look confident but inside they are jelly. Schools usually offer a transition day where you spend a day in your primary uniform in July in your new year 7 class plus extra days for those who need it, those who are worried or disorganised. Find out if the new secondary does this.

Both my children went to a secondary none of their friends did, no one from their primary either. On the first day they lined up outside in front of their teacher holding a big sign with their teacher name on in case you forgot what they looked like. Year 7s usually go in before everyone else so they are the only ones in the school and leave a bit earlier too.