Withholding Affection

[Feadog87]

At bed time, we cosleep. Our daughter is coming up for three. At nighttime she likes to cuddle with both of us for a whole before sleeping. The problem is that my wife isn't very keen on cuddling her.

Every night our daughter will try and hold her mothers hand, she'll get it for a few minutes, then my wife is back on the phone.

I tell her mummy's busy or mummy's tired and cuddle her, but she wants her mummy. Tonight she was trying to hold her mummy's hand and she wouldn't give her her hand, nor look at her (although she doesn't usually, she just holds her hand and scrolls her phone while our daughter stares at her waiting for acknowledgement).

Usually our daughter makes a "Ugh!" nose that she makes when she wants something but can't articulate it.

After not getting her mummy's hand she started crying, not a fake temper cry, but sobbing. She stared at her mum and my wife didn't even look at her, she just kept scrolling her phone.

Do you think that she is old enough to start to feel unloved?
Is this going to end up having a negative effect on her development, do you think?

So much more info needed. Is your wife 'touched out' has she had the baby crawling all over her all day? Is the baby especially clingy at the moment and your wife is trying to put some boundaries down?

Has your wife done the brunt of the parenting and home organisation and is exhastex? Why don't you ask her what's going on? At the end of a hectic day with a 3 year old maybe she just wants to chill on her phone for some mental "me time" before sleep and doing it all over again. Instead of waiting for your daughter to start sobbing distract he with your affection and tell her it's your turn for cuddles.

Is it time to stop co-sleeping if it's not serving it's original bonding purpose?

I'd written quite a few paragraphs then I realised that you ignored that I was cuddling my daughter and you ignored the only two questions I asked about the impact it can have on my girl to discuss my wife instead.

I'm a full time father, and I work the weekends. During weekdays I look after our child while she works and once she finishes work I look after our child while she relaxes. On weekends I start looking after her the second I come home.

I can't talk to my wife about it. She regards such things as questioning her parenting.

How is she other than at bedtime with her? I don't think she'd feel unloved just because of bedtime but are yo u saying she's generally disengaged towards her child? Are you both happy Co sleeping? Does it mean you have to bed early / no sex / daughter up late / poor sleep for e eryone et?

It's hard to say. She tells her off a lot for trivial things. But she doesn't see a lot of her mummy during weekdays, once work is done my wife likes to sit in our room watching television.

I love co-sleeping. To an extent. My daughter will often wake up if I'm not in bed before now, but usually I don't get to go to bed before midnight once I do the chores for the night and have our girl settled.

We don't get to bed earlier, and my wife works from bed and spends her leisure time there too.

It's a sexless marriage. We've been together 16 years, had very brief sex twice to have our child, but it wasn't for long or till completion or anything. My wife used to always tell me that I had erectile problems, that even if I could get it up I wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. She told me that I had denied her a love life and a child. We got tested when trying for a child and I don't appear to have issues, but she has vaginismus. She told me after having our daughter that she had never had any interest in sex.

Daughter doesn't get up late. I sleep towards the edge to give them both space. My wife claims her sleep suffers, but it is also the case that if I stayed up all night with our child when she wasn't well, taking her into another room, she'd tell people that she stayed up all night. I have also seen her wake our daughter and myself with her snoring, with our daughter rousing and awakening her, for her to subsequently blame it on the daughter.

But this is all neither here nor there.
My daughter broke down crying because her mother wouldn't hug her and I am worried about any implications it may have for her development.

It is the only time my daughter really wants hugs. She prefers to play than be cuddly

Maybe your DD should sleep in her own bed

So from what I understand, your wife doesn’t spend any quality time with your daughter as she mostly works or isolates herself by watching TV or scrolling on her phone?
Has it always been like this? When did she go back to work after having your daughter? Did she have trouble bonding with her?
My heart breaks for your little girl who just wants her mummy, if this continues long term then it’s bound to have an effect on her. But equally I am concerned about the reasons why your wife seems to not want to spend any time or affection on her daughter. Could it possibly be depression?