Newborn advice needed

[Georgina125]

I am a mother to a beautiful two week old girl. I have 2 older sons who passed away shortly after birth, the second in particularly awful circumstances. We have tried so hard and long to have our family and now I feel like I am screwing it all up.

The issue is largely anxiety and sleep deprivation. I feel sick and have no appetite. Some mornings, I literally hear her start to cry and I turn to my husband in bed and hug him, in the hope he might take her and give me an hour or so.

During the early days, we would wake every 3 hours and share the feeding (bottle feeding) and changing. My husband likes this routine because he feels supported and can get back to sleep quickly but I am struggling with sleeping in batches because I lie awake watching her for half an hour or so. So I have suggested that he does the 8pm to 2am shift whilst I sleep and I do 2am to 8am, whilst he sleeps. Obviously we can both also sleep during our shifts but we wake when she cries for a feed (she does responsive feeding). Is this routine likely to help me?

Are there any shortcuts for looking after the house, feeling less anxious/tired or more confident that other mothers have found?

Sorry to hear about your boys. Congratulations on your newborn! Sleep deprivation is awful. I think the shift idea is a good one. Maybe sleeping in separate rooms would help too for a little while so you can sleep when not "on shift". Or try earplugs. I had to use earplugs as would wake with every little noise and small babies are surprisingly noisy when sleeping! Good luck xx

Firstly congratulations on your baby and I'm so sorry for the losses. I was wrought with anxiety when my baby was little and the sleep deprivation was next level as I was entirely on my own as wasn't with baby's Dad. Just do whatever works, one day at a time, it will get easier eventually. Just rest as best you can and it's OK to let the housework build up. I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid but it does get better- hang on in there xxx

I would say in the kindest possible way that you need help with your anxiety. I think when you have lost babies, it’s very difficult to relax and enjoy the one you have. It might be helpful to reach out to support groups for what you are going through and if things don’t improve, then possibly see the gp for pnd.

Don’t worry too much about the house. As long as you have clean clothes and the kitchen and bathroom have a basic level of hygiene, everything else can wait.

Your baby’s only two weeks old, your body is only two weeks post partum, give yourself a break, please don’t compare yourself to other people, everyone is making it up as they go along.

So sorry for your losses. That must be incredibly hard to deal with. Lack of sleep is used as torture for a reason, it's utterly brutal. My ds was in the scubu for a while so when we got him home we were very twitchy. We got an angel breathing monitor and video camera. This was a while ago though so tech may have moved on but I was able to sleep much more easily knowing if he stopped breathing the alarm would sound.

@Bridgeth29 I worry about using earplugs because baby does have an owlet sock and it's reassuring that an alarm would go off if there was a problem.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach that sounds really tough. I'm hoping I will adjust to this new normal. After losing two babies, I had to adjust to life as a grieving parent, completely against my will. Surely if I can do that, I can adjust to this?

@Flowersintheattic57 absolutely. I take Sertraline daily but I'm considering asking the GP to increase my dose. I'm also returning to counselling this week. Possibly weekly to start with.

@Malariahilaria I've got an owlet sock and a movement monitor leant to me by the health visitor. The combination of both is very reassuring. I'm dreading the health visitor wanting the movement monitor back but I think you can buy them.

Surely if I can do that, I can adjust to this?

Yes, you can. You are so strong. Stronger than you realise. You are doing amazing.

I think doing shifts like you suggested works really well. My DD is 8 weeks now and I'm mixed feeding. My DP stays downstairs with my daughter 9pm-midnight/1am then brings her up to me and I do the rest of the night. I have another DC who I do bedtime with before I go to sleep otherwise I'd be in bed at 8. I'm sleeping in the spare room so I have plenty of space to co-sleep if needed and also I'm not disturbing my DP. Can you do that? Or earplugs as pp suggested?

With my older child I definitely had anxiety (at one point was having panic attacks nightly) which in hindsight I should have sought help for. I would lie awake between feeds just dreading baby waking up. I used to fantasise about getting in the car and just driving away. Please reach out to your HV as it really affected my relationship with my DP and my DC at the time. Our relationship is fab now though.

I really hope you can get a decent bit of sleep and start to enjoy your baby girl

I'm so sorry for your losses, and congratulations on the arrival of your little girl.

You're doing brilliantly. I remember feeling delirious with tiredness when my son was a newborn but it really did get better, it just feels never ending when you're in the trenches!

I think the shift sleep sounds like a good idea, it certainly helped DH & I. Eventually the feeds reduced to about 7pm, 12am, 5am which felt so much more manageable.

Keep going, you'll look back on these days in a few months time and think "wow that was a crazy time!" and you can buy the movement monitors if you're finding them helpful

So sorry for your losses. This must be such a difficult time for you.

We did shifts with both of ours - I'd go to bed straight after dinner and then DH would be up with DC until about midnight/1am then I'd take over with any wakes after he'd gone to bed. If I'd had a particularly rough night he'd get up with DC and then I'd get an extra hour before he'd start work. Worked really well for us.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby and sorry for your losses!

The shift system worked well for us too with DH keeping the baby in the living room for his shift (8pm-1am) while I slept. It’s important that you each try to get a decent block of sleep and it can be easier to sleep when you know you are not on duty. Don’t be afraid to ask your DH to step in occasionally for a night (eg at the weekends) if you are really struggling with sleep.

I feel for you with the anxiety! It can be terrible in the early weeks. I read that heightened anxiety and intrusive thoughts are really common and is evolutionary response to keep our babies safe but it didn’t make it any easier at the time. Plus your hormones can be all over the place for awhile so go easy on yourself. For me it has eased off slowly over time. Confidence also builds over time.

For housework do the bare minimum. Get a cleaner if you can afford one.

First night didn't go very well. DH struggled to cope with DD alone. Apparently she cried for 3 hours straight and then spit up all over herself. He yelled at the cat. Very hard for me to sleep during all that, especially as he kept trying to put DD to sleep in the crib next to me and go to the loo, wash dishes etc. My shift involved 3 wakings and I feel anxious and sick again. But I have found some propranolol I was prescribed for anxiety so I'm trying those.

It was the first night of the new system so I'll try again tonight. Maybe it will go better!

You've been through so much with the losses of your beautiful babies.
Newborn stage is so hard but when you're dealing with grief it must magnify it.
I think you need extra support. Do you have relatives or friends who can come round daily until you feel better again? You will feel better I promise.

@qpmz I'm considering whether our parents could take turns to stay with us. They did when we came out of hospital so I feel bad asking again but I think it is needed just until I can rally.

My parents have offered to come and stay tonight so we can sleep and I'll see my counsellor fresh tomorrow.

DH has added to the worry that he was fallijg asleep whilst Holding DD last night. I'm going back to bed.

Oh I'm sorry it didn't go so well @Georgina125 but glad you have supportive parents who can step in.

Your OH needs to not worry about doing jobs whilst on his "shift" and just concentrate on settling baby and keeping her asleep. It doesn't matter at this point if she's sleeping on someone, she'll get used to sleeping alone when she's a bit older. Can he stay downstairs/in the living room with baby while you sleep? Then you can switch off properly.

Have a look at This info on crying in babies, it's common for colicky crying to increase the first few weeks but tends to peak around 8 weeks. Try and work with your partner to come up with strategies for coping as it is super stressful. Sometimes you do just need to tag team for your own sanity!

I hope your counselling session goes well!

I think it's really causing me anxiety that my DH is falling asleep whilst feeding and losing his temper. I really need his support. But it's like me crumbling with anxiety has opened the door for him to do the same. But I also have to recover from surgery, blood loss and high blood pressure.

The midwife came round today and says my wound is weaping and may be hot to the touch. That and the nausea might indicate infection. So off to GP later.

How old is your little one?

@Joram86 she is 2 and a half weeks old.

I had dd's bed right beside ours for the first couple of months. That made it much easier not to worry while she was sleeping but also while WE were sleeping (especially me!). Frankly, it's normal to be anxious when a baby's this new, and so I say Don't Worry!

I think your proposed routine of shift sleeping is excellent.

Both dh and I fell asleep regularly when holding dd. Nothing bad happened. You're sitting down, it's really unlikely you'll drop her unless you're perching on a stool - I assume you're not! On a sofa, armchair, in bed, she's in your lap in your arms.

I read in the bath. My dh says I'll drop the book and ruin because I always go to sleep there, while reading. The last tine I dropped a book in the bath I was wide awake and 3 years old. I am over 60. When my grip on the book loosens I wake a little, either go back to sleep or continue reading.

Likewise, you will be aware that your arms around your baby are loosening and if she's safely not on your lap then you'll wake enough to adjust your position.

More worrying is your dh's anger. What is that about? Is he usually angry or is it only a result of sleep deprivation?

Excuse errors/typos in the second post

Obvious Imean "if she's not safely on your lap you'll adjust your position"

I don’t think falling asleep with a newborn on you is a good idea at all. Your DH needs to be aware of how dangerous it can be. Even safe co-sleeping is a much better option. If he’s feeling tired could he try rocking her in the pram bassinet? It’s good to have a safe sleeping space in the living room such as a Moses basket or just using the pram (assuming it’s lie flat). Handy when you need to put baby down during the day too. He can try putting her to sleep on him, waiting until she is in a deep sleep and then transferring her to the pram. My DH enjoyed watching TV or gaming with DD either asleep on him or in the Moses basket next to him in the evenings over those first weeks. Swaddling can help with sleep too if you are not doing it already. Swaddle sleeping bags like Love to Dream are easy to use and much safer than blankets since babies can’t wriggle out of them and you can’t get it wrong.

Also don’t be embarrassed about asking for help from family if it’s available. I really wish we had this option.

I've seen my counsellor today and she thinks we should try both getting up again. DH gets up to change her and prepare the feed, then I get up and do the feed whilst he goes back to bed. Try going to bed very early and get up earlier too so we see more daylight.