How to move on and accept no more children

[fdfg]

Tried for years for a second dc. Have one dd who is nearly 11. I am now of the age where I am too old and I need to move on from the constant hope and disappointment every month. We won't try IVF and I've had a few miscarriages. I am extremely grateful for my dd but look at those with bigger families with some envy and also am finding it quite hard to be around friends who are having more babies. I suppose it's closing that chapter in my life and accepting it's a bit different to how I thought it might be

I have a fulfilling career and lovely husband so have lots to be grateful for. Any tips on navigating this stage of life?

[fdfg]

Bump

[mumnosbest]

Would adoption or fostering be an option?

[kikisparks]

Sorry to hear this, infertility and miscarriages are horrible. I’m not in this position but faced infertility and miscarriages trying for my DD and I’m pretty sure I’m one and done. Whilst there are advantages of bigger families there are also lots of lovely things about being a small family, more time for your DD, more money, more space. You will be able to do things with DD and give her opportunities she wouldn’t have with a baby in tow. Not having a child that you want is a grief though and you do need to be kind to yourself.

[Mumsanetta]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think the only way to move on is acceptance and gratitude. Try to focus on the positives in your life - an 11yr old child, a lovely husband, a fulfilling career - these are all things that are not guaranteed for all of us and yet you have them. Counselling, religion and gratitude journaling might also be helpful depending on your beliefs and I am sure time will also help. A big hug to you.

[Movingonup2023]

Op I’m in the same boat, well my cut off is in just under a year. I set myself an age to end it all, the constant waiting, checking and hoping. We have one child who was ivf, took years to get pregnant even with intervention. We’ve tried sometimes harder than others since she came along thinking fertility is high after giving birth but no luck.
I still feel sad each day that I can’t be a mum to more children it’s all I ever wanted. At other times I feel truly grateful to have had the experience at all. I find it hard to watch relatives and friends continue on. Hardest part is when people tell us oh no, no more for us. I want to scream oh lucky you wouldn’t it be nice to have that choice.
I don’t have an answer but you are not alone it’s a sad reality for more people than we know.

[PuppaDontPreach]

It’s hard to answer this without sounding trite at best and offensive at worst but I think you have to focus on the positives. Your dd is a lovely age and an age at which you can start doing all sorts of fun things together like weekends away just the two of you, which would be hard or impossible with a baby. You can be there for her completely during her teenage years. Would recommend a few books about parenting teen girls which will help you appreciate that they still need lots of care and attention and you’ll be perfectly placed to give that.

I know from experience that it can incredibly frustrating to be told to count your blessings and downright enraging to be told that you could see having one child as a blessing. But I honestly think that is all you can do.

Haven’t mentioned fostering or adoption as I don’t think these are really best seen as just things to do when you can’t have a baby- they’re huge challenges but of course can be brilliant things to do.

[cormorant5]

Yes I know about the "decision moment" first hand. DH accepted it and was kind and sympathetic at the time.
Totally committed to our separate businesses and both made them successes.
Also we were competitive in our hobby. So got stuck in.
Ignore the stupids who pop-up with adoption suggestions. nearly as bad as 'get a Labrador'. These are NOT interchangeable.
Good luck to you all.

[eatdrinkandbemerry]

I tried 9 years for my second (suffered unexplained secondary infertility) and was ready to give up when he was conceived naturally x
Then to everyone's surprise I had an unplanned shock 9 years later 😳.
Third princess is now almost 9 herself and I'm too old for anymore shocks so was sterilised x

[madeyemoody]

@eatdrinkandbemerry I'm sorry but what is the point of your post? It's not helpful in anyway to tell someone who is struggling that you ended up having two more pregnancies?

[Highfivemum]

i have never had the issues you have had so I am not able to comment on this however I suppose it is the same as we all have to deal with everything in life. We have to look at what we do have. You have a lovely DH and you have one DC. Some people have neither. I suppose it is like dealing with bereavement, you are mourning the loss of what you thought you wanted. Be kind to yourself. Enjoying your Life and your little family. Best wishes

[eatdrinkandbemerry]

@madeyemoody

@eatdrinkandbemerry I'm sorry but what is the point of your post? It's not helpful in anyway to tell someone who is struggling that you ended up having two more pregnancies?

Oh shut up I was showing that doctors don't always know what nature has planned for us!!!
I was told I'd never have a second without ivf !!!

[HildasLostSock]

It's so hard. Bizarrely my desire for a child was stronger after I had my child than before - I think that I loved being a mum more than I expected, maybe that's why it was stronger, I knew what I would be missing? Anyway, whilst I haven't found the answer/didn't manage to make it go away I put up a "gratitude board" with photos of DC, happy times, and notes of things to be grateful for e.g. health, job etc to try and help me focus on what I had rather than what I didn't have. I also tried to focus on how things can be easier with one, I could invest more time money and energy with just one, and remind myself that I was imagining that DC2 would be all sunshine and roses but realistically the risks of abnormalities rise as I get older and what if DC2 happened but had significant issues how would that impact DC1, especially after I'm gone. A bit morose, but it is so hard and I was looking for any way to come to terms with it that I could. Consciously trying to build new great memories helped me a little too.

[fdfg]

Thanks for the replies
Think I just need to focus on the positives of which there are many and as you say allow myself to feel a bit of sadness for what might have been ..

[QuertyGirl]

You need to grieve.

I'm in the same situation.

I'm too old in my eyes now.

I slapped a smile on and pretended I was ok. Resulted in binge drinking, depression and suicidal ideation.

Give yourself permission to be sad, desolate whatever you need to be.

[fdfg]

Good advice thanks @QuertyGirl

[MrsMikeHeck]

Sometimes you just need to lean into the sadness a bit before you can move on.

[Verbena87]

It is shit, and unfair. It is grief and needs treating as such - gratitude is good but I’d bet money you’re already deeply grateful for your husband and your existing child (more so knowing how hard/iffy it can be to have a child at all, and so how precious they are, if my experience is anything to go by) - feeling sad is not the result of not doing gratitude right, it’s the result of dealing with something really sad. Minimising the sadness is doable for me sometimes, but only if I want to numb out all the good things in life as well.

stuff that actually helps so far: talking therapy, cold water swimming, time outdoors, honest conversations with people I like and trust, and not indefinitely avoiding triggering situations (my fears about them are nearly always more painful than the reality)