Is this emotional abuse/neglect? Wwyd?

[MooMa83]

Hi, username changed for this as outing. So my stepsister has recently had a baby, and although we are not close we have become more so recently as have children similar ages. Unfortunately she has been struggling with pnd and long term health issues. Probably due to this, I have observed that the babies essential needs are met (fed, clothed, clean etc), but she is not picked up, cuddled or interacted with in anyway. This has been very upsetting and I have decided to distance myself. However i have tried gently talking to her about this and the importance of attachment etc. She is known to perinatal mental health services and receiving support. Something that concerned me a few days ago was that she told me at night when baby is crying her partner sleeps with the baby downstairs and wears ear plugs. The partner is very cold/closed and has suffered mental health issues himself. I am just so distressed about this tiny baby crying and not being comforted, and generally not being cuddled or nurtured emotionally. Should I report this? Wwyd? I'm not sure I would be able to stay anonymous in this, and it will likely cause some family issues as obvious it's me....this concerns me but obviously baby is more important. Help!

Is no one attended the baby during the night when it cries? You mention the partner being downstairs but you don’t say what she is doing.

Yes you must report.

What is happening when the baby cries? Is the baby being fed, nappy changed then put back down? Controlled crying is a option some people take. DS was a nightmare and would cry all night, some nights I drove round for hours to get him to sleep. In hindsight controlled crying would have been safer for both of us.

Please report. This type of interaction is so important for brain development.

tbh, I dont think ignoring a baby cry is particularly damaging, if all physical needs are being met, however, it is probably better to report and find it was unnecessary, rather than ignore, and miss the chance of helping the little one, if s/he is in danger of neglect.

I would suggest ringing the NSPCC and discussing it with them, anonymously, if thats easier

Definitely report x

It depends what you mean. Is the baby being fed and changed etc at night or just left to cry? The first isn’t something I would do but others do choose to leave them to cry once basic needs are met, the second is totally different and I would report.

This is WAY off the mark...shocked by this response! Emotional needs are just as important and emotional neglect just as damaging!

Definitely report OP, and as she is already known to services it will be helpful for them to know all the extra info they can

yes of course, but leaving a baby to cry some of the time does not mean emotional needs are not being met.

How old is the baby? Or newborn surely she needs feeding at night?

You say you have tried to gently speak with her. But my advice would be to have an open & frank conversation - I think you may to be blunt and say to them both how worried you are and that you're worried about the babies emotional needs not being met (this is definitely a thing believe me - in my line of work I see this regularly and I'm not just talking about baby left to cry occasionally, I mean consistently offering no emotional warmth to the child). If after you've spoken to them you still have concerns then I would say that yes you should report as their may be further support that can be given to them than already is. I wouldn't jump to reporting it straight away without having a proper conversation with them

It sounds like they need more support and I would talk to them about this and share what you know so support is put in place.

Thanks all, responses have helped clarify my thinking. Baby is only 4 weeks old...controlled crying at this age would be damaging surely? As far as I know baby is fed and changed overnight, but otherwise left to it. Perhaps the earplugs are to muffle noisy newborn sleep. I think just when she said this, coupled with how cold and uninteractive they are with the baby during the day ( I have observed), it just rang massive alarm bells. It was also the way she almost made a bit of a joke about the partner doing this...turned me cold.

That poor baby. Yes you need to report this.

Yes, please report. This is emotional abuse.

So you mean you have seen the baby being left to cry? Or have just witnessed a content sleeping baby in a moses basket/bouncer when you've been there. As long as both parents don't have ear plugs in at night and the babies needs are being met then I don't really understand?

It sounds like they a both struggling and some help would be good for them. Have you suggested she speaks to her HV etc or do you think she doesn't have the insight due to her pnd?

I would try to find the courage to talk to her a bit more openly about what you've observed - that it's not normal (or safe) to treat a 4 week old like that.

But you will probably have to report, as the parents aren't coping.

Omg yes report! Poor baby

This is an absolutely key age for brain development and for connections to be made in the brain. When you are saying about the interaction is there any eye contact between the parents and the baby, are they talking to the baby and is the baby being picked up and cuddled or just ignored other than feeds? If there is little or no interaction please do report as it could have a long term impact. Im presuming you dont feel able to change the situation through your support? You can either speak to the nspcc or phone your local MASH at social services.

Omg you need to speak to them or report. That poor wee baby growing up in what sounds like a loveless environment. I know it would be horrible reporting a family member but this is just awful to hear. Was the baby planned? The father sounds awful just wanting to ignore the baby!

@Stressfordays i haven't witnessed the baby full on crying and left...I would have challenged that directly. She is sometimes asleep in bassinet, sometimes happily awake, other times grizzly. When she has grizzled mum may pick up, try and feed or wind (not cuddled) and be put straight back down. What I have observed that concerned me is lack of interaction or even eye contact with baby.

@Soggydog that is it exactly, no eye contact, talking or cuddling. Thank you I will report. I don't know if we're close enough for me to change the situation by support...tbh I found the whole thing very upsetting and don't want to be around them. On reflection that sounds massively selfish and they could probably use the support.

Yes, report it OP. This is awful. And so sad.

Please report this ASAP. Such a detachment from a newborn baby is very concerning.

It sounds too serious to be resolved with some support from you. Definitely at professional level from what you have just said. Well done you for having the guts to acknowledge what you are seeing and not ignore it!